"in someone else's shoes"

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I see this time and time again. On 'tests' and lists and everywhere else too.
"Can you imagine being someone else", "can you imagine being in someone else's shoes"

And honestly, I wonder if anyone, ASD or NT, or anyone at all in the whole world, can actually honestly say yes to this.
And if so... how often they bother trying it.

Because I don't think I've met a single person in my entire life who has successfully "put my shoes on" or understood anything about being me, even those purporting to care about me, or care about knowing me - and are these not the people who SHOULD be making this effort?

And I've been thinking this question for a very very long time now.

I am just saying that this question appears on almost every ASD screening questionnaire and I don't believe NTs are capable either.

PLEASE, if I am wrong, someone tell me so - and describe to me exactly what it means - what it feels like - to "put yourself in someone else's place and understand them."

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.

Excellent advice!

Love that!

I try to. I can only go so far though because I simply don't understand NTs. I look at it logically like "I understand they're reacting this way because of ____ circumstances."

I'm not sure if NTs can do it. I know they interpret quietness as sadness because THEY are quiet when they're sad or something. I think most of them just make judgements and assumptions, just a guess.

Thank you. Unfortunately, I cannot take credit for it. It's number 100 in the list of the funniest jokes, which can be found here: http://richardwiseman.files.wordpress.c ... jokes1.pdf

There's some good jokes in there. Like this one: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb's got to want to change!

The final report is here: http://richardwiseman.files.wordpress.c ... report.pdf

This was the funniest joke: A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”

Some shoes are too big
Some shoes are too small
Some shoes smell funny
and some shoes just won't fit at all.

Please stop the shoe theft population by discouraging others from walking in their shoes.
They may forget to return them and leave the shoeless person upset.

I have seen lot of people have trouble with this. Either they were doing it on purpose or they truly didn't get it. I read online in comments and posts it's so easy to judge when you have never been in a situation. Even if someone has been in a situation, they expect everyone to be the same in it and expect everyone's situation to be the same or else they judge. And experts say this is an ASD trait? My husband told me they could be doing it on purpose. I don't understand why they would do it on purpose.

My hypothesis is that NTs believe that they can, because they don't realise they can't.

OR perhaps NT experiences are more likely to be similar to one another, so chances are they would know how someone else (another NT) feels. I couldn't say if this is true because I don't know what it is like in their shoes. But I'm guessing it's not true, and sticking with my first hypothesis.

Bingo! I find most other people can't understand me any more than I understand them.

One of the best/worst things my mom ever said to me is, "How would you feel if somebody did that to you?" She didn't know that I couldn't really imagine things from someone else's perspective, so instead, I imagined everybody feeling like me. Unfortunately, it turned me into a complete mousy doormat.

Most Aspies get bullied, and most of those bullies that bully us are NTs, and it's not always kids either. I bet those bullies would hate it if somebody bullied them.

If ''empathy'' does mean ''treating others how you'd want to be treated'', then ''lacking empathy'' is NOT something what is exclusively an ASD trait. That's probably WHY they bully us, because they just can't imagine how it must feel to be us and can't put themselves in our shoes, but know deep down that we won't bite and are just humans who deserve dignity as much as they do, but they don't realise that. So bullying just makes them feel happy.

How many times does this empathy thing have to be explained on this forum?

If I need someone to understand, not EXACTLY what I am going through[ no one can do that], but to understand the depth of my feelings , and that I need someone to care and support me, it will not be an NT I go to. I feel that they are too lacking in empathy. Maybe they have empathy for other NT's, but not me.

Sure they can. They can imagine it. Whether what they imagine matches reality or not is another question.

Seriously, though, in the context of a questionnaire to assess ASD I think the question makes sense. Not all NTs are good at lying (ie. can successfully convince others that their lies are true), but just about all NTs can make a reasonable attempt at it. Some people on the spectrum, apparently, cannot. I think it's the same with this: the question is about how comfortable you are with trying to imagine yourself as someone else, not how successful you are at it.

But I think your question was about how to do it successfully. I wouldn't claim to be an expert at it, and I certainly do it in a rational and pragmatic (ie. aspie) way rather than an intuitive way, but I consider things like the person's goals and priorities, the information available to them, their values, etc. and try to estimate how they would act or feel in a given situation. The "act" part is generally easier, because I can use my observations of how they acted in the past, but I never have direct access to anyone else's feelings. (And it's probably just as well! )

It means you have the ability to imagine the other person's point of view. For example, if you are a parent and intuitively understand that children know somethings and not others (based on developmental level), you are imagining what other people are experiencing.

I saw my niece lying to me. She is 5. She has more empathy than I do at age 29. She was able to intuitively guess what I knew and didn't know and make a false statement based on that.

Because we have a hard time imagining what another person is experiencing, they say we lack empathy.

I think empathy comes from thinking in similar ways. You don't have to explain certain things because you react the same way to circumstances. It is like an unwritten language.

I have that sort of thing with my mom because we are both autistic. We communicate in a different way than NT's. We understand each other without speaking. Yet and still, I still think I lack empathy, even with my mom. I don't have the mental machinery to imagine things from another person's point of view--at least not in real time. I can only understand it later when I think about it or when somebody explains it to me.

So for me being autistic means that we communicate differently than NT's. We react differently than NT's. Therefore it is impossible for us to communicate with each other. That is the disability and that is the source of frustration between us and NT's.