Removing my mask

Post Reply New Topic

I've ha trouble all my life with talking to people and socializing for several years, but since I got bullied for this in elementary school I tried my best to become social in middle school and now I am more social, but as the time passed by my life got harder and harder. I performed worse in school and got real tired every day. I've started to get trouble with concentrating and sleep too. About 1 year ago I started reading about autism and aspergers and immediately thought I was on the spectrum. So after trying for several months I finally told the school counsellor about a month ago and after a few meetings with both him and my parents we agreed.

He meant that if I had aspergers I had very little of it, but since it annoyed me so much he gave me a letter with a reference which I have to the doctor and after my meeting with him he sent it forward to some health thingy over here which would diagnose me. No answer from them yet and not expecting anything before Christmas, but I feel that my aspergers is hidden right now.

I tried so hard to fit in so I wouldn't get bullied so I ended up not knowing myself. I am more social, but I hate my life and right now I would rather be bullied than go through this even though it's normal for NTs.
I have several symptoms for the diagnosis and have scored autism positive on all tests I've tried, but in real life I feel that I'm hiding behind a mask that is glued to my face. I've tried to remove it several times, but won't work. This has made me end up like a clown which just randomly sprouts out odd words which sometimes offend others, but I don't want this. I just want to remove the crap and be by myself, I don't care if I'll get bullied.
I could post a long list of symptoms, but done that several times before so doing it once again feels like a waste..

15 years old from Norway if it matters..

Wow. You must really be distraught if you'd rather be bullied than go through this. When I leave my house I don the mask. I've been doing it for years so it's natural to me now. As you age you'll find it easier to put on, if you choose to do so. Don't fret. Welcome to WP. You're among friends here.

Maybe you should just remove it partially.

Hi Andicel.

I feel your pain. I've been through the same thing - trying to become more social to better fit in, in order to not get bullied. If done enough you will end up finding no reason to keep living!

Let me tell you why you feel this way.

It's all about motivation and what you truly value in yourself.

NT people (neurotypical people) find the group to which they belong the most important thing there is in this world. Without that they soon enough get depressed and see no reason to keep living. The reason for this is:

The fear of dying through being excluded from the group (basic fear)

This is similar to wolves in the wild (with pack mentality). They are natural pack-hunters. A wolf excluded from the group will not survive for long, because its survival crucially depends on its group, so it is extremely important for that wolf to stick to its group, so it will do all it can to fit into that group! NT people unable to fit in a group get depressed because (they feel) their basic fear becomes reality!


Oppositely, AS people (people with Aspergers Syndrome) find their own independence to be the most important thing there is in this world. Without that they soon enough get depressed and see no reason to keep living. The reason for this is:

The fear of dying through losing their independence/integrity (basic fear)

This is similar to panthers in the wild (without a pack mentality). They are natural solo-hunters. A panther losing its independence/integrity will not survive for long, because its survival crucially depends on its freedom to go hunting solo, so it is extremely important for that panther to remain independent and not bound by what others think it should do (I.e. not lose integrity)! AS people unable to remain independent get depressed because (they feel) their basic fear becomes reality!


See NTs use bullying as a way of insuring that their pack is intact. They naturally want to include you in their pack if you are around them, so if you show off too much independence compared to your social status (i.e. you do not find your place in the social hierarchy), they will start bullying you, in order to make you find your place in the hierarchy, so the group keeps being strong and coherent.

You have experienced this bullying, and as a result, you have started to try to fit into the group better. The problem with that is that you by now have lost too much independence - so you no longer have your basic fear in life, so you see no point to keep living - you do not feel life!! That's why you are feeling so terrible right now.


There is an exception to all this for AS people. It is possible for an AS individual to live in certain "wolf-like" packs (i.e. NT groups), where he has the role of "servant" to those above him - it is bearable for him if he is treated fairly well. Some packs will allow this is he keeps his independence down to a reasonable level. But, an important but, in this position the AS individual is not an adult. In this position the AS individual remains in a child-like mind - that individual is like a baby to the wolf-pack, really. So it is a weird position to have if you are an adult in years! But since there are many more NT than AS people my guess is many adult people with AS end up in this position, because they still need company - or perhaps they like to be taken care of in this child-like position by their NT partner/family.

This is very interesting. I used to be in this position when I was a kid. I don't think I'm an Aspie, but I have problems controlling my impulses. That meant that I often did childish things that I didn't mean to. I was treated fairly well, but I sensed that something was off.

All the kids that I met treated me like this. I started to really hate it. When I left the school I decided it would be a good idea to work on controlling myself. It was extremely hard and I noticed that I had less mental energy.

Right now I barely have any friends because of my social anxiety. I am so scared of people seeing me as immature. I'd rather have no friends than have friends that treat me like a kid. I'm extremely lonely and depressed right now. I just want to belong somewhere.

I keep my mask on all the time except with people I trust, and i trust too easy...

I have learned that it is very important to drop my mask with health professionals of any description, otherwise I don't get "heard".

That "child-like" behavior should not be mistaken for "childish" behavior. This is normal "mature" behavior in that you are "humbling" yourself before the group and putting yourself in a teachable position.

As far as the mask goes. Are AS brains do not process body language and social cues the same way that NT's do. NT's use a "passive" method and we have to use a "active" method because the "passive" process is disable in the AS brain. That said. Because we AS folks have to use the "active" method. It puts a mental load on are conscious self. NT's, because they have the "passive" process don't have to "consciously" to think about it. It happens for them "automatically" or "magically". We have to consciously thing about every step in the reading process and even then, We almost never get it right because we have to use another method to solve the problem. Because we have to use this "active" process. We live are lives everyday as performing arts actors. Are places of solicitude are like the "green room" and are social places are like a "live stage performance". While in the "green room". We put on are costume, make-up or mask and we rehearse are lines. Once we step out on stage. A torrent of fear comes rushing down on us as be start to ask these question. Did I put my costume on right. Is my make-up melting or most importantly. Am I or did I blow my lines. The anxiousness and the stress of having to put on a live show every day and not being able to just be yourself out in public can take a "huge" mental toll on any Aspie.

Everything Doofy says. Keep the mask, you need it. Drop it for healthcare professionals.

Wow, didn't expect so many replies, thanks a lot. So you all mean I should keep the masks even though it makes my parents doubt and makes school and life much worse? The mask has given me worse grades and much more tireful days..

To maintain the mask you need to find things that "recharge" you, things like sports, or a hobby or perhaps it means visiting with someone who does not require a mask. I have a friend like that, he is NT. What I have found is we don't even have to hang out, even if he is proximity it is good. I also play bass, and I go mountain biking.

The "mask" drains you mentally, so you have to offset it.

Here is what you should do imo:

Never truly give in to group pressure (i.e. never truly put on a mask). The reason you have felt/feel terrible is because you have done exactly that.

Do what is best for you. If being part of the group is very important to you (to avoid being bullied), then you could give away some of your free will to fit into that group, but do not do it as an indirect favour to them (the way you probably do it now), but only as a favour to yourself. That is, unless they begin treating you nicely, then you could go in more whole-heartedly.

So the result of not putting on a mask as much as you have done previously could result in more bullying (the reason you became more social to start with). How does one deal with that? There are two options:

1. - Attempt to avoid the bullies if possible.

2. - Attack more heavily back than they attack you. See, NTs have a concept of what is okay to say and what is not. They think it is okay for them to say harsh things to you, but you are not allowed to attack back because you have a lower social status. The thing is, they get uneasy when it gets "for real" - then it is no longer just playful socialization to them. That is very bad for them, because it ruins the group dynamics, which is what means most to them. But you have to strike back harshly if it is to work - otherwise it might just be gas on the fire, making them really excited about it. Obviously this is not a great solution, but it might be the only possible way of having you point come across.

The real truth is: you were not designed to participate in NT group dynamics, but AS group dynamics. So there is no very good solution to this issue. That is why we all struggle.

Ok, last question (maybe). What do I do if I have trouble removing it? Such as when I was at the doctor as well as the school counsellor I felt like the real me didn't truly show and what if I am unable to remove it during my diagnosis?

My experience is that you have to learn to remove it with health professionals in order to feel heard.

It is a difficult learning curve - you have to learn to walk naked into a profoundly unsafe environment and accept that the next few days might be f*cked up. I have trained myself to cry at will and, if necessary, sob like a baby where it feels appropriate. You'll learn these skills when it feels essential that you learn them.

If you have a decent diagnostician who is capable of seeing beyond the superficial, then maybe you'll be cool with the mask in place. But it's not been my experience...

@Andicel:

This is going to sound really odd, and I'm probably not going to explain it correctly, but: I have found that the best thing to learn how to do (eventually--this takes some time to figure out) is "shapeshift", which allows you to remove the mask.

That actually becomes less tiring because it enables you to adapt more easily to different situations. The nature of a mask is to be static and unchanging; a shapeshifter can adjust to its environment. This is far less draining than the "mask." With practice, it can become second nature.

And yes (before any of you can say it): this sounds like "behaving like an NT." Actually, it's not. Most NTs have fixed personalities (that is, "masks") themselves--they just accept each other because these "masks" fit into prescribed social roles. However, it also becomes limiting in the long run--how many times have you heard that teens go through a period of "finding themselves" and then eventually form an "identity" that is, for the most part, enduring throughout life? Many Aspies (myself included) don't do that so, in theory, "shapeshifting" should actually be easier for us. Plus, our inner integrity--the "real us" is maintained.

Hope this didn't sound too odd. I decided to start doing this last year, and it actually has made things a little easier (though it's far from perfect).

If this makes no sense at all, please dismiss the whole thing as just more of my random ramblings.

^^^^^
This!! !

just my experience with unmasking myself is that at work ( I am 38 and working in IT) in the office I wear this mask and have to act "normal", doing IT Service. That drains my energy badly. At home at nite I have about no energy left to do anything like household work and alike - AND what is more importante, I switch off, I unmask myself sometimes so strong that my wife doesnt like that. I am too autistic at those times. It's like binary, either I wear that mask or I don't. But still, when I am stressed too much at work, having too many tasks to do at the same time in a short smal timeframe, I cannot longer act NT like and it shows through that I am different. And that makes the other team member uneasy and the end users a little nervouse and uneasy too. I seem to be unfriendly, which is not my intension.

Back at school so many years ago, some guys had the need to bully me. Even when I shot back more forcefull, it did not stop them. Ignoring them did not do any good either. The group was more importante to them than to stop keeping me out. But being in the job-school, in the job training school for learning how to do my job becoming an electric/electronic skilled worker, we all had to work together. And the bad funny thing is when I met them outside the group, they were friendly and not bullying anymore. Just within the group dynamics they had that urge to act that bad way. This drained my energy so much, together with a very bad health, had a bad knee, that I almost did not pass the job training school years and almost quit the school and so my future. Good thing I forced myself to stay and get through it. But it brought me into a deep depression after that part of my life.