Think before you say things while in public.

Post Reply New Topic

It is important to constantly remind other Aspies to think before they say while in public. Something happened today that made me embarrassed. I was shopping for food at the grocery today with my friends. I was talking with them in the pickle aisle and they all got angry at me, asking me to leave and go away. I have never seen my friend so angry before. Why were they angry? Well...While joking around, I said something silly that included a very derogatory word and without thinking about it, there was a mother and a child standing behind me. I had no idea who was around me and I didn't know I said it out loud. I still feel guilty about this and I want to know if anybody else made a similar mistake.

What was the word? I have never said such word around people. Only word I can think of is the n word. I was told it was worse than the f word and I never even had to think before I say it because I knew it was wrong to say I so I never use it.

I remember being told all the time as a kid to think before I say it and it never helped because I didn't even know it was wrong to say or rude to say, I had no awareness of what was coming out of my mouth so how could I not get myself to say things if I didn't even know I was saying them out loud? I also didn't know how it would make other people feel.

The word was "dick". I was in the pickle aisle, so it made sense why I thought about that word.

I wouldn't call "dick" very derogatory. It's just another word for a penis. If the child was male then he has one, and if the mother is a mother then she's certainly seen one.

Oh yes, I have stories of things I have said that I should not have said -- things that an NT would have kept inside his head, but which for me an Aspie just came blabbering out. It got me in big trouble on my job. My boss screamed at me saying, "Are you weird? Are you strange?"

If I had known then what I know now, namely that I am an Aspie, I could have had an answer to his question. And maybe I would have been working on the social skills I needed before then, so that I would have been more sensitive to keep a clear barrier between my mind and my mouth.

I agree that one should watch what they say while in public and it's a lesson that I've had to learn the hard way time and time again. However, I hardly consider "dick" to be derogatory.

I am an NT and I have said worse. "Dick" is hardly anything to get upset about. Your friends sound a little uptight to me. I can almost bet that the mother and child have heard worse. I wouldn't feel guilty about it, just be aware of who is near you. Not a big deal to me but I am not easily offended if I could even be offended. Different upbringing I guess.

I've said worse in public.

Like the time I was casually talking about murder in a convenience store right in front of the clerk.

Of course, I was talking about characters in a LARP and not actual real people or actual real murder. Like if I killed that character the player would still be around.

It's not a very appropriate word to use around a child though. And I know some parents say worse things around their kids on a regular basis. That's still wrong. Don't just assume all children hear the words regularly.

This coming from someone who once got told to get f***ed by their own mother, who also once loudly said 'those f***ing kids' about some children running around a supermarket.

Since then I've tried to warn her about swearing too much. You might have your own opinion of it but you've got to keep a civil tongue while in the company of others. It's just polite. Swearing always feels like threatening language to me.

I once yelled out 'fag.' That was pretty embarrassing. My sister always scolds me for saying rude things.

I still think dick jokes around children is just wrong. I overheard my sister (another one) commenting on a child's toy as phallic in front of our 4 year old nephew. They're just too young to hear that stuff. Call me a prude by I enjoyed my sheltered childhood of never hearing those words. I had a church going mother. Yep, that one who told me to go f**k myself in a shopping centre when I was 8 years old.

Your friends overreacted. You should have said "Oops, I'm sorry, I didn't see you" to the mother and then walked on. Getting that upset over saying dick in the grocery store is way overboard. Kids are going to hear things in public no matter how careful the parents are at home. Most of the time they aren't even paying attention to it unless somebody makes a big deal out of it. To most people I know, "c*nt" is probably the worst cussword to say. I don't know why, it just is. Also, kids don't know whether or not something is considered a "bad word" by other people. Case in point; you know how adults use nickname words for genitals for kids? Like peepee and hoochie, and weiner, and such? Well, my grandmother did too, but she used one that was not considered a "cutsie nickname appropriate for kids". She called it a twat. For real. If I was scratching she would ask if my twat was itching and did I need some powder on it. She warned me that if I didn't wipe good enough when I peed, I would get a rash on my twat. Needless to say, when I started school this did not go over well. My mother who was dx'd borderline personality disorder when I was in my teens was the one at home that day and came up to the school to talk to the principal with me there in the room, all in trouble for saying twat, which I had heard hundreds of times at home by then, not only from my grandmother but from her too. She said she had no idea where I heard it from. I said "Nuh uh! You and Nana say it all the time. That's what you said to call it!" The principal then said something or other to her and she told him I was lying. When I went to tell her no I wasn't laying, WHAP I got a slap across my mouth for "lying". WTF???? In the car she told me that if she says something I better go along with it and not make them think bad about her. She said that my saying that would make them think she was "white trash".

Okey dokey.

As for the n word that somebody mentioned, I was born in 1964 and raised in Birmingham, Alabama. You do the math on how many times I heard that one. Everybody said it back then, and it's still a common word but it's lost the "meanness" that it used to have. I'm not racist but I know some people who are and it's mean when they say it and the way they say it, but kids, white and black, all call each other "n***a" (rap culture I guess) and when they use it with the r on the end (both black and white and in the presence of each other) they use it to mean a trashy black person. Luckily, racism around where I live - even though I live in a very rural area in the Deep South - isn't all that common. There are other words that are used in it's place if people are wanting to use a word to insult the entire black race - some of them don't even make sense, but people know what you mean when you say it.

However, for insulting anyone, no matter what race, religion, ethnicity, etc, my favorite word to use is "twatwaffle" and I read that on the internet about a decade ago, it has nothing to do with what my grandmother told me my hoo-hoo is supposed to be called.

Both NT's and Aspies have made mistakes like you made about the pickles. It's nothing to worry about. Also, if someone were to constantly remind me to watch what I say in public, they would not find themselves in public with me, or anywhere else with me very often at all. That would be pretty damn annoying.

I was terrible, when I was younger, but I fully behave myself in a public environment now, and one can't even possibly tell, that, I'm an aspie.

You want to live where I come from then. People swear out loud in public all the time and nobody bats and eyelid, except for prudes and posh people. But I suppose it depends on what context we say it in - as usual. Like if you said ''that looks like a dick!'' it would be considered rude. But say if you joked and called your mate a dick, then it isn't considered rude, even though it's still the same word and could still be in earshot of other people. But yet people yell the F-word freely in shops and out on the street and nobody bats an eyelid.

I don't think dick is a bad word.

There were instances in which I said things in public that I never thought were inappropriate or offensive, but had simply offended people.

I've learned from a Social Skills book by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron that if you have nothing nice to say about someone or something, don't say anything about that thing or person. If you dislike someone's clothes or food or think that someone is unattractive or too fat, don't say those things in public. Because if you do, people will alienate you.

A lot of people that I socialize do swear (usually say s**t and f**k) and I swear around them too. But I never say common derogatory names or slurs that offend people easily and get me fired from a job.

Last edited by tcorrielus on 13 Dec 2013, 1:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I once told someone they reminded me of a donkey when they laughed.

I really did not mean it as an insult..it was an observation on my part. But holy cow did I get screamed at by people.

Here is the thing, if I know something is offensive I am not going to say it. In real life I hate conflict and dislike upsetting people so will avoid saying anything that I know will upset someone.

This is why I like to remain quiet until I get to know a person well...I can better gauge what is likely to upset them the more I get to know them and therefore, know what to avoid saying.

The problem arises when I say something I don't realise will upset or offend anyone at all...such as my observation above. In hindsight I can see how it might have offended them but at the time I was merely stating an observation I had made. I also didn't think there was anything wrong with the way donkeys looked. Donkeys are very cute animals. I was only 12 at the time and got very upset when I realised I had hurt their feelings.

I don't say things if I know them to be rude or hurtful...Ergo I can't really change my tendency to offend people with what I say sometimes as when I said it I never in my life thought people would react the way did. Even in hindsight I can still find their offense confusing.

Now if they would let me sit quietly and observe....

Unfortunately that is wrong too as if I am quiet they insist I am being unfriendly or boring.

They bring this stuff on themselves sometimes as they won't let me do what I need to improve my social skills (ie quiet observation). And no, I can't do it by watching strangers...everyone is different. What offends one does not offend the other. When I am out interacting on a surface level with strangers I stick to formal polite but when interacting on a deeper level (ie trying to forge friendships) I need to know more about the person before I am comfortable speaking more openly otherwise I am never sure what is going to offend someone and what is not.

Some people are so damned tetchy and read all sorts of meanings in my words and actions that I don't even think are there...Yes the meaning could be there I guess but that does not mean it is.

Ie someone not speaking much may just mean they don't have anything to say and may have nothing to do with them being unfriendly. Yet when I am quiet it is read as unfriendliness. Maybe NT's are just paranoid and think everything everyone else does is all about them or something (ie they think I am quiet because I don't like them when I may have no strong feelings about them either way or may actually think they are very nice). It's not unreasonable for someone not to speak if they don't have a comment and I don't think it is rude at all. I figure they will speak when they have something to say if they wish to communicate with me. I am happy to sit quietly with them if they prefer. I do not mind comfortable silences, I can enjoy think time until someone thinks of something to say...

If someone doesn't want to speak to me they do not want to speak to me. If they don't like me or don't feel we have compatibility then that is fine. Sometimes disappointing but fine.

I do hate when bullies spread rumours about me though and people avoid me for that reason and reason alone, especially when the rumours are not true. That annoys me as people are avoiding me for something I have not done. That is just hurtful and very unfair!




I really don't see the problem but society is so egocentric and paranoid.