What to do...

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There is a new girl in the place where I live "care home". I take it that she does not wash as she seems to have bad hygiene. I keep wanting to say something but I got told its not appropriate and that someone else will tell her. So far I don't think anyone has told her, since she is still smelling, to the point of it affecting me, I'm sensitive enough to smell's as it is already. Should I say anything to this person or leave it to the staff to say something? What should I say if I was going to say something?

If you've only brought it up to the staff once, maybe you could try mentioning it to them again and this time really stress the fact that it is bothering you because of your sensitivity to smell. Maybe they thought it was just a minor issue that they could deal with later, when the girl is more settled in (especially if she's still very new). Or maybe they just forgot about it?

I probably wouldn't say anything to the girl yourself unless you have managed to get to know her well enough that you could expect her to take it well. However, if the staff won't do anything after you've asked them to a few times, then you might have to talk to her about it. I'm sorry that I don't have any advice for what to actually say in that situation.

I hope it works out for you either way.

Thank you Quill.

I will mention it to the staff again. I don't think they took me seriously, as they seemed to just mention me making an issue about it and by saying I was being inappropriate. I don't know the girl well enough to tell her that she has hygiene issues, and I'm sure it would just make an awkwardness between us if I did. I wan't to make her feel welcome as its hard being the new person in a house.

I would tell her. You can say it in a way that is not offensive. But I would try to definitely tell her.

Could you give me an example of what way is not offensive? I'm sure I would mess it up and say something wrong.

Hmmm... I don't think it is really her problem to smell good to you. I think it is your problem to learn to not smell her... or to not be bothered by her odor.

Maybe it is my problem but what am I to do, hold my breath/nose when I'm near her?

Do you have a little money and the ability to go and buy something? Christmas is coming up, you could use that as an excuse to buy her a small gift. A nice smelling shower gel or a pretty soap would be a nice way of welcoming her and she might then want to use it.

In my long life I have never known anyone, or heard about someone, that smelled so so badly that someone wants to tell them, or have someone else tell them to fix their odor. Your sensitivity is your problem. Perhaps you should carry a perfumed handkerchief in your bosom, like some ladies in the Victorian era did, and sniff it when your senses are offended.

Why should IrishEyes have to suffer due to something she cannot control just because someone else is unwilling to take the socially expected level of care of herself? You obviously don't have to deal with olfactory sensitivity tall-p, if you did you wouldn't be saying what you are. People with sensitivity to smell cannot simply "switch it off." I've had homeless people and smokers sit next to me on the bus smelling so bad they make me nauseated, and mouth breathing does little to fix the problem as I can still "taste" it. It's really horrible to deal with.

IrishEyes, for the time being I would try staying at a distance where you can't smell her if that's possible; you can still be friendly from across the room, and bring it up with the staff again in the interim. I like ChameleonKeys's idea of getting her some soap for Christmas too, or, if you think that would be odd given your virtually nonexistant relationship, get yourself some nice smelling body spray and spray it on yourself before interacting with her, hopefully it will create enough of an olfactory buffer that you can bear being near her. You could also try rubbing vapo rub under your nose; we used to use it during dissections in my biology class and it helped quite a bit. Good luck!

Thinking that other people smell bad is purely subjective. And thinking that other people should smell better because I find your odor bad is not the real world.

My father was The Great Santini. Everything I did and made him suffer. How I ate, and walked, and SMELLED, and sounded, upset him. What I talked about upset him and made him SUFFER. When I was in his presence... I was supposed to be getting less offensive.

Smokers smell good to me. I miss smokey bars and restaurants. Cigars! My Uncle Jewel smoked a pipe... how I miss him and his cozy aroma.

Maybe I will get her something small as a welcoming gift, not Christmas as we are not so much as friends yet.

tall-p its very hard not to smell her, she does have that homeless smell and it's hard for me to deal with because of the sensitivity to smell's that I have.

I will try bring a cloth with me with something nice smelling on it, the vapo rub is a smell I can't tolerate either though, something I do like is febreze air freshener but I'm not sure if it's safe to inhale.

This is just not true.

The waste products of the microorganisms that live in your sweat smell bad. Fecal residue smells bad. Vomit smells bad. Rotting seafood smells bad. Consensus says this is reality. Your personal family drama or desire to excuse poor personal hygiene does not change the intrinsically offensive nature of certain odors.

I can tell you that in New York, there are many businesses (particularly restaurants) that will not serve you and will eject you from the premises if you smell bad enough.

One of the things that people collectively demand of each other in social groups is some effort to mitigate these offensive odors.

Expect to be ostracized if you don't. No one is doing this girl any favors by not telling her. If for some reason she doesn't know, then it would be a very great kindness to tell her. She may or may not be able to deal with that information, but it is something she deserves to know.

Back when we had a draft, you could get people in the Army who did not bathe and people in the squad who complain about the smell. My solution maybe was not the most kind. I had the squad assigned the responsibility for taking the unused mattress liners and washing them in the shower room. While they were in there, they were to make sure the guy learned how to take a shower. I also had his squad leader teach him how to shave and do laundry.

Since we do not know enough about this specific situation, general advice such as remaining upwind and making yourself scarce could be added to the advice to keep pestering the staff. Talking directly to the person might work, but it also carries with it the risk of big failure.

Hmm I find it curious that in a care home the staff wouldn't encourage her to take a shower...but I've never been in a place like that so not sure how it works.

I think the staff have mentioned it too her, today I said to one of the staff that I could not stand the smell any longer, I did get told again that it's not her fault and that maybe she is in a "bad place" at the moment. I think maybe the girl is having some issues at the moment and maybe her hygiene is falling behind cause of the bad time she is having. Tomorrow I meet my psychologist and I'm going to mention it to her, maybe she can get something done about it. I feel bad now and think it's my fault and that I should be the one who has to deal with it, and that I have to respect the girl if she doesn't want to wash.