The autistic element is the destroyer of life

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Yet another shutdown. How many relationships do you know were screwed up and done with specifically due to AS? I mean, I suppose I should admit I never even attributed any of this to it before my diagnosis because I just was barely even aware that there are differences between my mentality and others'... and it's not that mine is specifically the problem... after all, what are social norms but artificial constructs?

But... this is what led me to where I am. I am where my avatar is. Alone. I had just found an LGBT youth group a month ago... I never attended one before, and it seems I was a bit late at my age now, but somehow the organizer accepted me... just like when I encountered my first love, I could barely believe my luck: company and similar-sexuality at the same time! But... haha, LGBT people may be lonely, though a special place in hell is reserved for people who are both gay and aspies.

The floor was as thin as ice... there seemed to be so many obstacles that I tried to avoid, so many boundaries, just like in platformers... I failed, relatively quickly. Well, a month... still much less than the quantity contained within my loving relationship, which was seven months... does that imply that I'm getting worse at it? Or that these were simply NTs that I just couldn't handle?

But... yeah, booted out simply because I purportedly made someone uncomfortable. Do note that this person didn't just leave me immediately or anything, oh no... he was even more talkative than me (how could anyone, even those who mastered social cues, decipher that...?!). But, apparently, because he was younger than me he's the vulnerable one and I'm to blame.

And I cried. I went... four times to this group? It was slightly chaotic each time but I felt alive within the chaos... I thought I had finally found some people that could relate to me. The organizer seemed kind. Too kind to be true... which apparently it was, as without any warning I'm gone bye-bye!

Last edited by Mootoo on 14 Dec 2013, 12:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

Dude, I can't figure out what you are saying. What happened?

As I mentioned, I had a conversation with someone who apparently felt uncomfortable with my questions, despite his continually answering them. How am I supposed to know he was uncomfortable if he wasn't at all direct about it? I mean, at all. And actually answered all my questions and more...

Is that it?

Okay.

What about asking the person directly what you are thinking and feeling?

I was tired and I saw no cues whatsoever, so I thought everything was fine...

What did you ask? What was the age difference?

Rawr! I am autism, destroyer of life!

Seriously, just ask them directly for what you did wrong [and why it was wrong]. That way you can learn. People expect those with autism to just know. Well duh, people with autism don't know social things unless they're taught -- it's autism.

i can relate.

when i "mess up" like that, people always cut off contact with me completely instead of telling me what i did wrong. i always ask them why but they never tell me.

Same here. How much effort does it take for someone to use words to calmly explain how they see something over which they got upset at you. Most people don't do that, for some reason that I don't understand either.

I get the impression that NTs who are concerned about social niceties (ie - those who are not bullies) have an aversion to discussing or telling another person directly when and what they find confusing or uncomfortable. They believe it is a social responsibility to keep their negative opinions to themselves - or to couch them "between the lines" when they do share directly. (This does not apply when they are discussing amongst themselves and the subject is not around).

This is considered "proper etiquette"

Counter productive if you ask me - I can't fix a problem I can't identify. I can't improve if I don't know what to improve on.

I would suggest that it was probably not the guy you were talking to that complained, but rather one of the observers. Might have been the leader, or might have been one of the other fellows who was interested in your guy. Or someone else entirely. Chances are it was backed up by someone else.

I would suggest the best way to TRY and get the answers you want is to be direct and HUMBLE (I know that can be hard) and get in touch with the leader of the group - by phone or message, by email, etc. TELL him you have an ASD as your conversation opener. Tell him that you understand you made people uncomfortable, and that you are not asking to be let back into the group (otherwise, he will be fixated on blocking your questions in some NT belief that you are looking for an excuse to get back in). Tell him that you have delays in understanding body language and oblique language/presentations. Ask if he would please "because having an ASD means I can take in the truth calmly and logically, as long as it is presented to me straightforwardly." or somethign along those lines.

Even if that isn't entirely accurate.

Hopefully he will be able (willing) to clear up exactly what you "did wrong" and at least bring you to be aware of it, so you can prevent it, in any future groups you may end up finding.

Remember: His initial stance will be believing that you want back in, and that his job is to say anything he can to keep you out, to the point where he will not listen to anything you say seriously - you need to first convince him

(a) You are not expecting or trying to find a way to get back into the group.
(b) You want him to tell you (not who but) what specifically it was about your actions that made person(s) uncomfortable
(c) When he's done sharing, TO YOUR SATISFACTION, you will thank him, leave him, and never bother him again.

It's not just the autistic element, dear.

Yes, I've been spit on and thrown out by MULTIPLE people because of autistic traits-- I know what you're talking about.

But IT IS NOT JUST YOU. Looking back, I have found that there is ALWAYS some pathology in the other person that causes them to react that way.

The kids I went through grade school with-- we were living in an upward-striving ex-mining town in West Virginia in the 1980s (middle of the steel collapse). A lot of those kids were under HUGE amounts of pressure to excel, to BE THE BEST OR ELSE-- we all were. I'm sure I wasn't the only kid that heard, "I guess you'll be nothing but a goddamn ditch-digger" every time they brought home a grade that was less than an A-- the difference between me and them was that, being Asperger's, I was more immune to the pressure (and had a better memory). They probably all had some minor form of GAD or OCD or something-- playing Kick the Aspie was a pressure valve.

My cousins-- treated me, openly and avowedly, like a lesser person. Yeah, well-- they were living with untreated PTSD. They probably all HAVE PTSD-- and the state of mental health care back home is so bad that they're better off living with it than asking for help. There but for the grace of God go I.

My in-laws-- perfectionistic, depressed, probably OCD in my father-in-law's case, possibly ADHD and cyclothymia (maybe even bipolar 2) in my mother-in-law's case. Both of them were abused children.

My stepmom's sister-- either paranoid schizophrenia or narcissistic personality disorder.

It's not that YOU have issues and all these other people are JUST f*****g PERFECT. They probably have issues too-- let's face it, few indeed are the LGBT young people who survive adolescence without ending up with some serious self-esteem issues, an incredibly thin skin, and sometimes a tendency to narcissism or histrionics. Poor them?? Maybe-- but poor you, too. Histrionics are hard on an Aspie.

Keep looking-- you'll never find some place where all the people are sane (as far as I'm concerned, there are no sane people). But maybe you'll find somewhere that doesn't have finger-pointing and drama as a de facto part of the bylaws.