ASD, BPD, Social Anxiety or Depression...

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One of them, a mixture of all of them, a mixture of some of them or a mixture of none of them....

Some symptoms present in childhood before age five:

Becoming upset when routine is changed (Ie bad tantrums if my scoobydoo schedule was altered or I could not watch it at my usual time).
Difficulty playing with other children, difficulty with turn taking, tantrums when or if they changed the rules of a game without telling me, would only play pretend tea parties if I could have real tea in my tea set.
Collected bank forms instead of playing with dolls.
Would often play by myself and preferred to do so at such times. Would be upset if disturbed but also wanted to interact with other children at times too.
Did not know how to join in with groups
Had a twitch in my nose that I couldn't control
Clumsy with bad handwriting but very academically bright
Sensitive: could not tolerate certain materials (certain wool mixes, elastic on socks, labels in clothing), textures of food, very bright lights, certain noises (crowded places where every one is talking at once).
Started to develop emotional issues later on due to bullying at school and unstable home life.
Began acting out in an attempt to stop the disturbing behaviours of those around me after trying to talk to them or reason with them failed.
Advanced vocabulary for my age
A little professor type.
Enjoyed dancing, singing, spinning and rubbing my tickle (silky piece of material)
Developed attachments to inanimate objects (had a pacman I carried everywhere)
Often mocked by others for my naivety. Easily fooled socially even if bright academically.
Social anxiety started to develop around my teens as did some OCD of the classic sense (not the same as that experienced with the scooby stuff...missing scooby did not mean something bad would happen, this OCD did). Present when medicated for depression, faded when not.
Pulled knife on parents at 8 years old, stood in kitchen and screamed at them to shut up. They argued a lot, my dad could become violent, mother drank too much, I just wanted the war they were having to stop. Had no intention of using knife, had it more for shock value and/or protection. Gave knife straight to mother when she approached me, did not harm anyone or myself...no intentions of doing either. Just did not know how else to make them be quiet and stop arguing.

Developed a drinking problem in my early 20s due to social problems. Wanted to fit in, wanted to find a friend, thought I had to do things like go clubbing...got a bit carried away and started binge drinking. Thought I was being socially cool or acceptable. Didn't work for me. Still failed to find friendships.

Fast forward:

Still act out in stressful situations especially where I am being bullied, at least verbally although I no longer do things like pull knives on people. Live on own, quieter environment. Like living on my own, yearn for a romance but do not want a live in partner. Would rather have a romantic lover than friends but would also like one best friend as well. Do not require more. Occasionally drink but not as often as I used to. It seems nothing much changes and drinking is the social cool. Prefer not to drink most of the time, but feel under pressure socially.
Still like my routines and samnessess
Still can't socialise, still have all the same quirks I had growing up. Nothing has changed really except I have more years of bullying to remember and I get more depressed than I used to.
Can feel suicidal at times, actually be pondering it, talk openly about it...people think I am threatening it but I am just talking openly about my thoughts and feelings. At the time I say I feel like I want to die I do. I told my therapist today I am considering if it is worth hanging around on earth but that i want to do a few things first (go kayaking, ride a roller coaster, visit more of the English Coast line (I do so love beautiful blue right now and seem to ride around on buses...which I also love....to see her daily. I like to go and say hello to her, I am becoming rather attached to her and feel like I am neglecting her if I don't pay her a visit most days) and so on.

There is probably but those are the main things I can think of tonight.

Also how can I tell my therapist that I do not wish to change my routines. 1 I function better with them even if they don't make sense to others and 2 I love them and want them to leave them alone. Must be a way to find people who can accept I am just a quirky soul who likes certain things the same way.

ie bedtime I need to sleep with one of my favourite DVDs on, I also have to have my tickle and these days George my stuffed penguin. If George or my tickle go missing I won't sleep until I find them. The same applies if I wake in the night and they are not there for some reason. Also I like to keep the same bedtime but as I am bad at organising myself I can be a bit lapse in regards to this sometimes (end up getting distracted by something, forget the time and go to bed later than usual...my routines are not always tied to the clock....it is more about sameness than anything else).

Another example is with my ice cream and movie night...every Saturday, same flavour ice cream, eaten with the same spoon, in the same way whilst watching movie (movie is always different). Look forward to it, don't wish to change it...don't see why I can't have it, its not harming anybody.

I said to my therapist is there not a way I can just find a way to explain that I need my routines and she smiled and said they would prefer to try and change them.

ARgh, NO! just NO! Ive tried this, it just upsets me so Just NO! NO! No!

Suggestions please?

Just to add I am still prone to tantrums where I can scream and hit myself on the head when really bad (don't really want to do this though and tend to keep it away from people as don't want them to feel upset or scared by it) when upset and still have my sensitivities.

Do have issues with relationships but partners are either incompatible with me (prone to drug use etc when I do not use illegal drugs, do not like them and do not desire to use them. Nor do I break the law. Nor am I violent towards people as I do not vent my anger directly at anyone unless they have been abusing me and then I may verbally attack after a long period of time. I do not want to party and get high all time, even if I do drink a few cans of lager now and then. I also do not like sex with random strangers) or if they are not incompatible they keep trying to change my samenesses and upset me. I just want them to leave my routines alone and I did ask them not to keep messing with things as it upsets me and they just said they found if funny especially as it winds me up and I get all ranty. Which I thought was mean.

I have such bad luck in attracting men. I don't want their chaotic behaviours.

PN I did not drink for 13 years. Recently I drink again but not as much as I used to. Months of failed attempts to socialise, years of bullying online, depressed.

No one (except my therapist) believes me that someone has been harassing me on the internet and I know they have, by email with different profiles. Internet was one of the only ways I had of meeting people with my social issues and they took that away from me as they made it impossible to use (couldn't tell if it was a genuine person or a nasty person messing me around so it became too confusing and socialising is hard enough as it is without someone playing mind games by pretending to be your friend in order to mock you), I reacted badly as I didn't know how to handle it and made it worse...

Told my therapist today that the bullying is haunting me. Years of it, waking me up out of my sleep. Some from the internet some from the real world in the distant past.

I don't worry like others apparently, it is not the latest bill that I ruminate over, its years of abuse from people pervading my every thought. I can't forget it now.

I already have enough social issues without people making them worse.

does your therapist think you have ASD and PTSD? those scream out from your description. a therapist can only suggest. how you respond is your choice.

She didn't say.

Just said she wanted to focus on the social difficulties and the outbursts where I hit my head first.