Where aspie ends and a bad attitude begins

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I have been accused of needing to have my own way by my parents. I agree that I do not respond positively when the way I feel things ought to be is changed. Im wondering whether im just being a jerk or whether this is an aspie trait.

I had an anxiety attack the other day because I couldnt use the music studios and whenever someone says "No" I experience discomfort which can sometimes become quite painful.
Apparently as a child I used to scream when I "didnt get my own way" so this goes back to when I was a newborn.

One of the things im struggling thrlugh is which aspects ofmy behaviour are things that are dictated by my faulty neurology and which ones are things which I "choose" to do (whatever that means psychologically) I dont want to be one of these people who pulls the aspie card to avoid responsibilities etc


EDIT:This sounds like I go around demanding explanations... this isnt the case at all. I just feel frustrated and quietly rage inside. Ive made it sound like I just have to have my own way and "now!! !".

I take refusals personally - if I ask for something and im refused I take it as a sign of hostility. Not all the time but if I for instance ask for help with something and someone says "no" with no explanation im going to be upset... of course im not owed an explanation but in a situation like that surely its polite.

Last edited by binaryodes on 26 Dec 2013, 9:26 am, edited 2 times in total.

This makes me think of the T-shirt that reads, "Because I'm the mommy...that's why."

I get where you are at. When someone tells me "no," I typically want more as far as their reasoning.

The problem is that you are not owed an explanation. A part of maturity is recognizing that you don't have a right to everything you want, and you can't force others to do it your way.

I'll still ask for an explanation, but I'll drop the issue if they refuse to elaborate. Fighting with them for more information isn't going to help me.

you're right I understand that im not owed an explanation if im asking someone for a favour. Its their prerogative to decide whether or not their refusal should be accompanied by an explanation. I do however believe that its extremely rude to just say no if someone is asking for a genuine favour - at least ive never responded like that as it seems rather obnoxious:

A: Could you possibly help me to decipher this latin passage?
B:No
A:Oh.... okay

I dont see how that's acceptable - it just seems rude and hostile. I'd take it very personally i.eas a sign that the person has no respect for me. I mean at least "sorry I cant" or "Not right now" or something

Last edited by binaryodes on 26 Dec 2013, 9:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

Ooh. if only you were king for a day. you could get all those things for the next, and be o.k. for the rest. unfortunately, none of it is yours, and if you want something, or feel you need things to be a certain way, your going to have to work for it. or be like water. go around things that get in your way.

I also get upset by people telling me no with no explanation because I feel like they're trying to control me and I hate that feeling. I hate the reasoning "because I said so". Really? You think you're THAT powerful? Psh.

People do favors in exchange for developing a relationship and creating a good first impression. Most aspies have trouble with both.

For example, if you do not have "social equity" to get someone to do the time intensive task of translating something to Latin, you might offer to exchange another task for it.

If someone doesn't like you or doesn't know you they will not do tasks that you ask of them.

Your tone of voice is very important when asking for a favor, you need to convey uncertainty and demureness. Rise you voice an octave and end stances with words that start low/neutral and end high tone. This indicated a question/ uncertainty.

Speaking in a lower octave indicates certainty and dominance, higher octaves indicate uncertainty and submissiveness. asking for something in a high octave asks for a favor, asking for something in a low octave is a command and is only valid if the other person has a reason to submit to you.

Conversely what I just did might be offensive depending on whether you view it as solid advice or a condescending explanation of something you already know or something I should expect you to already know. If that's the case sorry.

Or be like myself, something of a hacker. I work hard to do just this.

Ah this explains alot I thought I at least had the intellectual part of socialising down. ugh. Yehhh I tend to just ask for favours without considering the dominance and hierachies.



Hmm again I didnt really consider this.... thanks!



I dont see why any reasonable person would be offended by someone taking as much time as you have to respond to a query.. Many thanks

Some people get offended when you try and help them by explaining something to them so they understand. I am not sure why. Maybe because if they already knew, they feel like you treated them like they were stupid because you assumed they didn't know. But if they knew, why would they still be acting the way they are? If they didn't know, I don't know why they would be offended so they make you feel bad just for trying to be helpful.

I think it's a pet peeve most people have, even me, when we get told something we already know about so we feel talked down too and feel like we are being treated like we are stupid. I recall seeing a few discussions about that here too.

I love explaining things or voicing my opinion on things. Some people get annoyed with me for going on and on, sometimes people feel I am condescending. Sometimes I'm just wrong and others don't understand that I view being corrected as a good thing. I also tend to make conjectures based on limited facts and extrapolate them out to extreme lengths. I also tend to be right.

This is apparently just a personality type though,
INFJ https://www.personalitypage.com/html/INFJ.html

Well, if it helps, think of this as a step in understanding the whole "theory of mind" concept.

You're looking at their conduct from your viewpoint. This is what everyone does as children, but us with AS struggle to move beyond it.

When you can cognitively understand that the rest of the world does not operate the way you do, and you can learn to understand/appreciate that difference in perspective, you've made a HUGE step to understanding "theory of mind."

I think that it is good idear to work on this area of becoming more flexible and making adjustments outside one's own ways and dealing with changes. It is not easy, but I would think of it as developing greater skill that will help many aspects of life. I have worked on this since diagnosis, and I think that it has been verry merry berry good for me and helpful to me to become more flexible.

I feel the exact same way.