Been accused of being manipulative?

Post Reply New Topic

I'm wondering if it is possible for an Aspie to be accused of being manipulative - without them actually having intended to be manipulative. I can see two general categories in which this could be the case, but I've only really been subject to the first one:

1) We tell people about our disability and how it affects our social intuition, judgement, speech etc - typically in response to someone getting angry at us for the effects of our behaviour - and get an equally angry retort that we're just trying to manipulate them for pity, and we should deal with it, try harder, etc, but don't expect them to bend to us based on compassion;

2) Somebody who is very "naive" about Asperger Syndrome, somebody who has a very hard time believing that people don't have these natural intuitive responses to social situations and would assume bad intent first, might accuse us of tricking them into gaining an advantage or the upper hand by appealing to a false sense of reason. They may see it as a "power trip" for us to psychologically abuse the other person/party by pretending that there's a problem and asking for concessions to gain advantage. Such as asking someone clarifying questions for "common sense" stuff, could be seen as psychologically attacking someone to make them wonder that they have a communications problem with everyone and intentionally hurt their self confidence.

Can't think of a detailed personal example offhand, but one that comes close was a situation with some room-mates (flatmates) in my early 20s (pre-diagnosis) where I was accused of manipulating them through my "psychological warfare tactics" and I had to leave due to threats. Also I had another roommate later in life who was definitely a sociopath and she would use pre-emptive strikes (deflecting tactics) where she would accuse me as being the manipulator, to plant seeds of doubt so that I couldn't accuse her of being manipulative.

Of course, we can't really be that proficient at #2, since we inherently lack ToM.

If somebody would accuse me of being manipulative of the 2nd category, heck I'd just turn around and tell them "Actually, I'm not the manipulative type at all; if anything I'd be more on the receiving side of manipulation. And incidentally, this tells you that I'm not the arrogant type either." - of course, I wouldn't use that on a bully who employs deflecting tactics like those described above.

I used to be accused of being manipulative a lot ... until I learned to be more discrete about it ...

I've had something similar to 1) although I wasn't aware of my ASD at the time. They dismiss your genuine problems by accusing you of trying to manipulate etc. I never forget those times.

I get accused of being manipulative all the time. Granted, sometimes I am but sometimes I am not and I still get accused of it.

People are paranoid. They are also delusional, they have belief systems that they mistake for the absolute truth about life and existence.

Yes I have been accused of it, primarily when I would bring up my ADHD diagnosis in a school/work situation, I would be accused of trying to use it to make a "power play" or something of that nature.

I have also been accused of trying to manipulate people by crying. Especially when I was young, other people (usually other kids but sometimes adults too) would say I was doing it just to get attention or to get my way or make people feel sorry for me. I couldn't help it though. I would cry very easily and once I got started it was hard to stop.

People who are themselves manipulative or controlling or competitive are more likely to perceive another person's actions that way. They are the ones trying to get the upper hand in a situation so they are suspicious of others trying to do the same and get one over on them.

People would tell me I was being manipulative whenever I tried getting out of something that was uncomfortable for me due to my sensory issues and social anxiety.

People have accused me of that too.

I was accused of being manipulative on this forum once.

There was a rather intense discussion about parents who choose to kill their autistic children, and about one parent who openly discussed her desire to kill herself and her autistic daughter right in front of that autistic daughter, and one particular poster (an NT) was disagreeing with my particular stance on this topic. At some point during the day, he logged out, and I woke up, read the thread, and responded. He accused me of watching his "online status" until he went offline and waiting to respond.

At that point I decided not to engage him further because he clearly had a persecution complex. He also accused me of saying things I had not said and even things that were the opposite of what I said. I think sometimes people use accusations of being manipulative to hide the fact that they're being manipulative, and this seems to be a case of it.

Autistic people can be manipulative as well. It's not impossible. I can think of a couple of autistic people who work very hard at being manipulative, and not to this forum's benefit.

I was accused of it online once by someone but that person was just nuts and she thinks everyone is manipulative because of her paranoid thoughts and she is her own worst enemy and she doesn't realize she is the one who does attacks and bullies other people so they react back to it and give her meanness for it and she plays the victim because she can't even see her true self. She goes from being nice to nasty all of a sudden in seconds and starts accusing you and she doesn't even see that because she thinks you did something wrong. I just avoid those people because they are toxic and if I would have known she was that kind of person if I had read her posts first before talking to her, I would have stayed the hell away from her.


I don't recall other times I have been accused of it except for when I was 17 and it was by my shrink because I was giving my mother the silent treatment because she took the computer away for three weeks. I still don't know if that was manipulative or not since hearing how ASD people get accused of such when they get punished so they act out or meltdown or act worse.

Oh yeah, I'd totally forgotten about therapists until League_Girl mentioned them. If you end up with the wrong kind of therapist (as I have several times, so I know what I'm talking about) they can be the biggest psychological/emotional manipulators on the planet- and they get away with it too, in the name of "just doing their job." Sheesh.