Some ASD things fit but this...needing someone to listen.

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My first post.

Hello, I am female early 30's and am married and have 4 children. 3 are biological and 1 is my stepchild. I have a long history of
"things" and am diagnosed adhd, on off major depression, generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks, on off adjustment disorder, strong ocd and sensory processing "traits" (my psychs never want to add diagnosis but I do have these and discuss them with my Drs). I have recurring health issues as well (stomach, pain, headaches, etc).

I've always had "issues" per se but tried to adapt, hide, and blend in for the most part after being ridiculed when I was in elementary school for having a speech impediment (r sounds). With the exception of being extremely set in my view of the world and people, and animals and things-I never liked being part of the status quo. I hate attention on me, I have irrational fears, I have a huge list of things that for the most part coped with. When I started going to college in my twenties (actually first at 17, then at 21) I started really having trouble. I have always "just barely" been able to take care of myself. Meaning myself, eating, dressing, emotional stuff, my interests. A LOT of interests. I want to dive in and disappear in my things I like. Since a huge increase of my inability to cope in the last few years (since having children)-this is more apparent.

I shut down a lot. I panic when there is noise, when my kids touch me, when I have too many things. I'm overwhelmed. I want to be by myself, and lock self in room. I can't figure out how to make food for self or others, can't get dressed or do things because I get confused. I get like that feeling like if someone lit firecrackers around you. Like too many little things around and I can't focus and can't remember, and can't figure out order to do things so I jump into my bed and cover my head with my blanket. I do cry occasionally from being overwhelmed. I have sensory issues with touch, taste, smell, hearing, etc. I have synethesia as well, and I have a very hard time focusing on "things I need to do to get things done/look after my family etc". I have always retreated like below the ocean surface into myself but had more time "out" if that makes sense. But, since stress has escalated and I can't handle anything well...I am having a hard time being "normal" whatever that is...my marriage..suffers because I just don't "get" intimacy well although have had periods very few in my life of feeling "close" to someone (more about feeling like they understand me).

Anyhow, I have a couple "things" ... My husband probably really knows that something is different with me as I have my whole life. My psychiatrist is not very smart as are the other people I have seen. I find I play dumb, or see that they are biased, or whatever the stuff I see and then...I can't explain things well verbally because I see more pictures, and the words don't match what I am trying to express and explain and I feel upset because I am left like I never get it across what I was trying to. Misinterpreted all the time and when I try to correct something the professionals all get annoyed with me, or shut down themselves thinking I'm being arrogant but that's not my intention..I never have malicious tendencies...but, anyhow.

The real me is different than the "me" people know. I fit in with a lot of the ASD stuff and didn't realize this until my youngest got referred for ASD assessment. I'm in the Drs every three weeks..."monitoring" I guess but the lack of routine and such for past years has triggered really bad mental state. It's exhausting being the "out there" me and now I just need to rest and be me at home like I can. It has a lot to do with sensory stuff. It's too bright, it's too loud, it's too much taken in, etc. I question-is that an adhd thing? I can't "remember" to do normal things. Like, I got "lost" and learned about so and so today on the internet for 5.5 hours before realizing that again, sadly, I didn't "do" anything. But, not on purpose. Because I'm so interested in something and have to know everything about it, and perhaps it's just boredom and I like learning stuff better...

Oh ya, back to ASD stuff. The thing is...I remember being scared as hell in my childhood. I hated talking, hated in front of groups, didn't understand things. I also now, don't remember a lot of it. But, then I went opposite land....But it can't be in the most unexpected circumstances. I have an extremely high ability to adapt to those around me. I can fit in with the homeless if I need to, or the richy, or the educated..I'm extremely good at reading body language and without realizing it, I process things constantly and change self. But, it's exhausting. There is this consistent me, well people think I'm a bit direct, but then I apologize for saying things or doing things all the time (I'm too loud, I'll laugh too loud, I say things not so great, no filter, I do sound effects, etc). So, socially. I can be social if I have to. I will chose not to, hate it, unless with say my husband who can recognize "stop talking now" and I'm "done/gone"....if that makes sense. He knows leave me alone, and let's me have quiet no bugging time, process time, and takes kids out all the time.

Oh, so I always say I am a robot. Jokingly, of course. I wouldn't seem like that if you met me. I can be warm, like family and it's a weird tactic for me to adapt to what people need from me so they are comfortable. I can sense if you are closed off a bit and need slow, quietness...or if you need me acting vulnerable so that you can open up and feel at ease....anyhow, so I understand social boundaries if I have learned them, and expectations. So, I wonder if this rules me out. Whatever it is...there is something who is "me" and if I find out, perhaps I can figure out how to cope. I constantly say I need a support person, someone to help. Typing is okay but talking exhausting, I hate it most of the time. I was told I don't use speech enough with my kids...and I "know" how I should be but it takes all that energy out of me and it's so hard.

Anyhow, I emailed our provinces autism assessment network for children (there is nothing on the internet for here for adults) to ask about adult assessment. I had asked for further assessment through mental health before but they just try to give me meds, or change meds, or increase meds, etc etc. They are no help. When I mentioned ASD my psychiatrist actually said "you don't look like an autistic person" whatever the frick that means. I feel I'm smarter than him anyhow so I was sort of expecting that... I got an email for someone at UBC and emailed, and he said get Dr to refer to him. ALmost year long waitlist. (can't afford private here in Canada). After the psych's response I emailed back a big blaaahhh message (oh, maybe like this one) which I try not to do normally (gauge my self ALL the time) and he said I strongly recommend you getting your Dr or another Dr to send one in....

So, no date. But, I have this thing in my head that even if someone sees me I will do what is expected of me (to be normal). I am not myself when I am around people really. I'm pretty good around animals though haha. Does that make sense? My fear of being too " not myself" and not getting help that I need, or direction. Even if it's not asd perhaps they have insight what my problem is.....

im not a doctor, but it sounds to me like you have OCD. from what I understand it is quite heriditary. are you and your kid the only two in the family who have a suspected neurological issue? maybe you should tame your lifestyle down with all the stuff you have going on, so your head is not so filled up, and you can be you (if you even know what that is anymore). or perhaps pick one you that you may like the best, and stick with it. it is probably not you that makes you behave the way that you do. it is your OCD. sounds like you are totally aware of it too.

If you are in British Columbia (since you mention UBC and Province I am assuming), trying to get an Autism Spectrum diagnosis specifically as an adult is difficult at best if not impossible through the Provincial health system. It is not cost effective since there is no quick therapy or cure so they will concentrate on co-occurring Clinical Syndromes such as depression, anxiety, etc. the goal is to keep you functional, no more than that.

Now you already seem to be diagnosed with a considerable amount of Clinical Syndromes, what would an Autism Spectrum Disorder or other Developmental Disorder diagnosis add to the equation? Why not put some trust in the brain professionals and work with them to improve yourself. The fact that you have a psychiatrist and are not just getting prescriptions from your family doctor means they have already bumped you up in the system.

I do have ocd tendencies for sure. The issue is not compulsive however in terms of a slight fluctuation in routines/eating times/ not the same. It's the confusion, sensory overload and my "weirdness" that I can't fix. The issue is that I've seen several psychiatrists and they do not know what or how to help. I get offered lots of drugs. So, if I'm overwhelmed to the max and I'm filling up with it, I get "reactive." This has put me in a bad position. As a young preteen and teenager I would have complete raging meltdowns repeatedly..triggered over things like my bed felt buggy, or there was a sound I could hear or forcing me to talk in school or whatever it be. Then, things I can't stop I would sort of...freak out. With a lot of therapy and such I got it fairly managed (some was over medicated). Lots of triggers to do with change. It would cause me to think of so many steps in things and not automatic that I would sit and cover my face and sing, lol to cope. Stupid things like that.Anyhow, the issue is that whatever I don't normally is causing an issue in my life- I can't look after my kids, and myself. I've been needing to run quite a few times. Well every week. Because I get so overwhelmed I shut down and have to cover my ears and head and can't manage. I want to sit and pull at this one spot on my head all day long while zoning into wherever land. It's embarassing but I can't explain it, I just want to go calm myself but can't do it when I have to look after other people needs .

Oh, so this leads me to assessment. Because if I can't understand why this is happening, and the people around me are continually confused by me (say, just me being me and I don't get how people get hurt by me just being normal) and I can't make it better...then what point does someone have in this life? I did want to do things in my life...I can't do the normal stuff like keep jobs, finish school, be around people, go out in daylight haha, Then maybe I would know why instead of feeling handicapped for a reason I do not yet know.

What do you mean about the provincial assessment for adults?

t you say here sounds a lot like the way I feel. As a kid my mum tried to get me a diagnosis of Asperger's, but we pulled out. I have denied it until recently; the last few months I am starting to think she was right.
Generally, I fit in fine. What you said about picking up on social cues and being what the other person needs is exactly what I do. I constantly mirror body language, unconsciously, to the point where I feel as though it looks like I am taking the piss. I think this is something I've learned to do, a motor memory I can't erase. People on the spectrum have pretty high motor memories generally I think.
I lose friends. I find it almost impossible to get past the initial "matey" stage, to the point of being really friendly, and then I drift away when it becomes less constant communication. Social situations exhaust me.
I work as a learning support assistant for a little boy with ASD - I work extremely well with him and we have a great understanding, but I get home from work literally wiped out. I am also a single mum of a five year old - after work I barely have the energy to talk to her.
The thing I really relate to in your opening post is, as I say, the fact that I mirror behaviour, fill social spaces. I guess I must have my own personality, my own self, but I feel as though I absorb, rather than contribute to, an atmosphere. Part of this may be that I find it hard to see myself through another's eyes, but I think too it is how it is. I think this is part of the reason I lose people - I take energy, I bring none of my own. For me, too, it makes being a single mother really difficult - especially after work. I have so little energy of my own to contribute to our family.
Thank you for posting. As I read more posts on this site I learn more bout myself and also start to realise that I am not alone in my feelings... This is so helpful, at a time when I am struggling to come to terms with who I am, with my limitations and difficulties.