Son with autism spectrum with increased resistance and anger

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My son is 9 and was diagnosed at 3. He is high level and did not need a lot of intervention until recently except when a toddler. He recently had an IEP set up for school, after not having one since preschool. He is withdrawing in class by putting his head down and refusing to participate in classwork. He used to throw tantrums so at first I thought this was an improvement. But he is hardly doing anything. The main issue is writing and his Occupational Therapist tested him and found he is writing very slowly for his age. She recommended typing. This has not helped and he avoids typing as well. He gets very angry sometimes and the school wanted me to look into Oppositional Defiance Disorder. I took him to a developmental pediatrician but he stated that my son met the criteria for autism spectrum and did not do any further testing. He has not be assessed since 3 except through the school. He tests very high in cognition with impairment to non verbal communication. I thought maybe he is bored and not getting enough stimulation in school but he just wants to play video games and build with legos. He has an interest in space and good knowledge but only wants me to read the books to him since they are a higher level than he can read. He loves Pokemon and Mindcraft and talks about these constantly. The school does not know what to do with him and the developmental pediatrician only referred us to a social skills class and ABA. Anyone know what ABA is like at this age?

Any thoughts appreciated.

By ABA, do you mean "Applied Behavior Analysis"?

You need to rule out possible "outside the box" reasons why your son is averse to writing. And sometimes at that age it's hard for the son to organize the why and put it into words. One thing you do need to do is approach the situation (as it appears you might be) with the opinion that your son is NOT trying to defy anyone, but rather is overwhelmed or suffering from frustration - maybe even physical pain - when asked to do certain activities.

Note: You can't trust a teacher to answer any of these - they are not trained to solve these issues with individual dedication, nor do they have the drive to do so that you do. Which is why ODD is so often the way 'professionals' approach these problems. You're going to have to set up a desk at home and sit with him and try to get him to write something for you. And observe. Very Closely. (I've always believed that if you want an answer, you need to cut out the middleman.)

Suggestions to watch for:

1) Have you had his eyesight checked.
2) Can he read at a normal level/speed/comprehension?
3) When he does write, is it PERFECT? I mean, is he too worried about getting the letters right, that he spends all his efforts forming the letters "just so" or is he erasing them to retry?
4) There is a disorder where writing causes physical pain.
5) is it letters, words, paragraphs, or ideas that he has trouble sorting out? (https://writtenpain.wordpress.com/ - go to "sequencing ideas", but suggest reading rest of article too).
6) THIS was mine:

Has someone (or many) said something to cause a dislike/discomfort/stress/distress when writing?

a) Is the teacher trying to get him to hold his pencil a certain way? Is she chastising him for holding it the wrong way? Have other teachers before this done so? Have you? Are they sticking those stupid little foam rubber sleeves on it in an attempt to force him to hold the pencil different?
b) Did someone ask him (prematurely) if he could write "with all the letters connected?" (I recall specifically my principal coming in one day when I was a kid and asking me that question - and I tried to impress her by my ability to 'connect' my perfectly printed letters, resulting in sloppy mush. I didn't know about cursive at that age! But I knew she was disappointed with my efforts). Or some other ridiculous idea that mixes with the simple idea that writing is a tool to get ideas out, not an artwork masterpiece, and stalls things?
c) Does he have anything to compare his efforts to outside of his own work and his teachers'? He may not have even considered this himself, and it may not be because of OUTSIDE disparaging comments - does he hesitate because he does not know how he stacks up to others' efforts? Can the teacher arrange to let him see the other kids' workbooks someday? Maybe a "everyone leave your story on your desk, and allow people to walk around and read whichever ones they want" period?
d) other?


***
Dyslexia is usually identified when a person has trouble seeing or placing letters in the right places, or orders. Most teachers would have identified this on their own, but ask if "letters move around" when he reads or writes.

Dysgraphia is something you might focus on learning more about. Not many teachers are as aware of the symptoms of this as they are with other writing troubles. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysgraphia
***

oh, and when you ask him to write something for YOU, lay out a very select limited range of topic options (only if he seems hesitant).
Like Pokemon or Minecraft: "The best pokemon is (and why)..."
or "If there was a pokemon in the game of minecraft..." (maybe he's a fiction writer, and just hates school topics)

if he still resists, draft up an outline; title every idea (paragraph) you want him to explore, and tell him you need X sentences for each title.

Why?

Some of my biggest issues were trying to understand exactly what my bosses wanted, and worried that my not being able to intuit their needs (which everyone else seemed to do unconsciously) would lead to disgrace and disappointment. Too much freedom, too many options (in some cases - like new or confusing situations) leads to a "worry loop"

I'm sorry, I don't know the answer to your question.

I'm wondering how adding a diagnosis of oppositional defiant disorder would help the school help your child. Not really sure what that would do. You could read up on it and maybe get some ideas, but would that really help? If you think so, Ross Green writes well, I think.

I imagine the following scenario, and feel pretty oppositional myself about it. I imagine your child is confronted with an increased demand for abstract thinking in school as he gets older, that might be hard. All while struggling with handwriting. And while he is maxed out on trying to write or type, he is supposed to come up with ideas, based on a prompt involving someone else's point of view or what they think is important. And then he is expected to communicate a response, coherently and efficiently. In writing.

And since I am feeling oppositional, I guess I would add that, 1) autism is an IEP classification and if the above were happening, the pressure would be for the school to give services to allow your child to learn. There isn't the same pressure for them to do that for 2) oppositional defiant disorder, for which he could also get an IEP. But scenario (1) might involve counseling in school, assistive technology (they purchase and instruct your child in), speech therapy a couple times a week and occupational therapy to help with the handwriting, abstract thinking and communicating ideas, and why should they need to do that, he's been ok for awhile. Scenario (2) might involve your taking and paying for private counseling, school counseling, a behavior plan. Much easier on them. But will it get the job done?

The answer that works is probably somewhere in between. I'm sure the school is well intentioned in looking for a reason things are going downhill. But you wrote the problem started with tantrums, and now your child is withdrawn. If you feel he is being defiant, try some reading about this. But if you feel he has given up, it will take adult help to give him hope and get him trying again.

I agree with OddFiction, think about learning disabilities---a smart kid who wants to be read to but is oppositional, at age 9----could his intelligence be masking dyslexia or dysgraphia?

If the school is stuck and the developmental pediatrician ideas are not enough, the school could pay for an outside evaluation, maybe that would help. But frustrating as these situations are, it's rarely worth turning them into a battle. Perhaps if you present your concerns and ask questions, they might suggest it. But I would not be looking for the oppositional defiant diagnosis, as even if valid, it won't really help with the issues that are making your child frustrated. Which is what you want to happen, for things to change.

There is another issue to consider.

Bullying or any other "hostile environment."

I was unpopular in school. I had no friends. Sometimes I was bullied. Most times I was just a social pariah.

I HATED SCHOOL because of this and didn't want to go or learn.

My parents never knew. Teachers took no action. My "therapist" had no clue. It was against the "rule of the playground" to run to mom and dad for help. I didn't feel I could come out to my parents about what I was going through, and I sure as Hell didn't trust my therapist whose advice to my parents was to start punishing me until my grades improved.

You won't know what's going on with your kid unless you can shadow him from a distance and see what he goes through every day or if you can get him to open up about what's really going on.

He's angry for a reason...take the hint. There has to be a cause for it.

i went through the same thing in school, i really hated my teachers and went out of my way to avoid the teachers directions and would put in my headphones in class and just draw sonic. my advice, he simply doesnt want to be directed and told what to do, its very stressful, especially when your falling behind, i had a lot of trouble learning to write, read, and do math. ask him if he feels like he wants to "give up", if its "no use trying in school anymore". also ask if kids in school are bullying and ostrigizing him, this will affect his schoolwork. talk to the teachers to give him more time, its ok if he needs to leave the classroom for a little bit to play, as long as he goes right back to schoolwork. also he should have someone to talk to and escape to in school if hes in class and becoming too stress, he should have the option to escape.

or, you can even use learning and his interests at the same time. good luck and i sent my sympathies to him.

Ps: anger will increase if he feels frustrated about being bullied and not being able to make friends.

Are they forcing him to write in cursive? I have always written very hard and cursive can give hard writers a hand cramp. Surprisingly I am one out of the three people in 8th grade who still commonly write in cursive. Typing never helped me being my average typing speed is 18 words per minute.

I have very poor coordination for writing, although I can do other things with my hands very well. I can type fast. But I have to grip a pen very hard to write, and it is painful. I have to write slowly to make it legible.

My teachers in school tried to show me how to write with a looser grip but I was never able to write that way and it was very frustrating that they kept trying to change the way I did it.

I was taught to write using my right hand but I think I am naturally left handed. My dad says I used to write with my left hand when I was little. Is your son going against his natural handedness when he writes?

He has glasses, he reads slowly out loud but normal speed in his head, he writes perfectly and slow and does erase a lot, no hand pain, and he has trouble forming ideas. I sit with him to help form ideas but still get a lot of resistance. We had assistive technology assessment and he did not like any of the options. I liked the 'Siri' program to convert what is said into the computer but he did not like it. His last project was to write about his Pokemon book. His comprehension was okay but he had a hard time remembering what he had said to me. I wrote it down for him but stopped short of doing the whole project. It took 3 days to type 4 sentences after 2 days to brainstorming. He does not get much help to the classroom and refuses to type although he has a Chromebook assigned to him.

[

1) Have you had his eyesight checked
2) Can he read at a normal level/speed/comprehension?
3) When he does write, is it PERFECT? I mean, is he too worried about getting the letters right, that he spends all his efforts forming the letters "just so" or is he erasing them to retry?
4) There is a disorder where writing causes physical pain.
5) is it letters, words, paragraphs, or ideas that he has trouble sorting out? (https://writtenpain.wordpress.com/ - go to "sequencing ideas", but suggest reading rest of article too).





***
Dyslexia is usually identified when a person has trouble seeing or placing letters in the right places, or orders. Most teachers would have identified this on their own, but ask if "letters move around" when he reads or writes.

Dysgraphia is something you might focus on learning more about. Not many teachers are as aware of the symptoms of this as they are with other writing troubles. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysgraphia
***[/quote]

Sounds like me when i was a kid.

Video games very self contained, able to get silence, focus and escape.

I mean imagine if you have problems putting your thoughts and emotions on writing. Then supposed you are being stuck in a class room with how many other people today ? here its 20-24. noisy, all the sensory input. having to focus and learn. That would cause rage in me as well, and it builds up.

Its like if you were ask to stand naked every day on the town hall and people stood there laughing or something. It can be pure torture.

Normally im never angry or mad, but if i cant get time to relax, recharge am forced for pushed into socializing with people, being stuck in a small room with noisy people, sensory input. Then as i lose my control rage builds. Last time that happened i slammed my hand so hard into a brick wall i broke a bone that pointed outwards. Not exactly fun.

Its not surprising to me at all that rage and anger is building up when you are being exposed to unpleasant things again and again. Video games is a good place to escape from all that when you are overloaded, i know it was for me. Could completely shut out the world.

As a kid i remember in class when we were told stuff like, read this book and tell us what its about, i could not do it, because i could not remember or put words on it.
or the "what do you wanna be when you get older"? well i will tell you, i wanna be somewhere peaceful and quiet.

Then to make matters worse of all that crap you have to endure, then parents start, you are playing to much video games, maybe you should go outside and socialize, I MEAN THE NEVER right. Its just torture. pure and simple. and thats what happens when a kids has problems not understood my parents and or others. Its so damn important to find out what exactly how to relax him instead of making him having to fit in.

A square peg will not fit into a round hole.

And im not expert or anything, i can just relate to this very very much, and it doesnt help being pressured, it only ends up doing more damage later in his life. Playing catch up is very hard if not nearly impossible.

Long story short, school is not a nice place to be, when you have these problems., not fun at all.

I imagine the best equal would be for an NT to be put in a prison cell everyday alone for 8 hours, every day for 10 years, and just get told to focus, I wonder how long before they would lose it, just sitting there staring at the walls, not noise, no sensory input, nobody to talk to.

Cognitive perfectionism.

That's what I call it, anyway. It's not like anxious perfectionism, where you're so afraid of failing that you have to get everything exactly right. It's because you think differently, because you have trouble figuring out what "good enough" is.

Let's say I'm nine years old. I'm asked to write a page about my favorite food. That's a problematically vague assignment, if you're an autistic child, so I have trouble figuring out what I should be writing. I can decide on a favorite food, but it will take me a little bit of time. Even as an adult I can't really answer that question. But let's say I like chocolate and I decide to write about it.

Well, what now? I like to eat chocolate. Chocolate is my favorite food. It tastes good.

And there I'm stuck. Many other children would easily make the jump to talking about chocolate beyond that. Maybe Grandma gives you chocolate when you go to visit her. Maybe you like it even though it melts and gets on your clothes. Maybe you especially like Santa-shaped Christmas chocolates.

I make that jump, too; except, for me, all of those ideas are there all at once. And so are many other ideas. There's the shiny packaging on a chocolate bar which reflects the lights. There's the bitter taste of cocoa powder and baking chocolate. There's the way chocolate melts, and how once I left a chocolate bar on the dashboard of the car and Mom yelled at me because it melted in the sun, and how I think parents shouldn't yell at their children because it makes you feel horrible and makes your head hurt and you can just lick the melted chocolate off the dashboard anyway. There's the way chocolate is made, which if I'm autistic and I like chocolate I've probably researched. There are political and economic issues surrounding the production and sale of chocolate, including some pretty disturbing reports of child slavery. And even at age nine, all of those things would come rushing in, because unlike most nine-year-olds I don't stick to juvenile reading material. I might not be old enough to understand when I read books written for grown-ups, but I like them anyway, and some rather grown-up knowledge has been sifting in. (Incidentally, nine years old was when I learned how sex worked. I read my mom's medical textbooks and figured it out.)

Here's the trouble: I don't know which things should go in the essay, and which shouldn't. I don't know whether it's okay to write about child slavery in an essay about your favorite food. I could get sidetracked talking about shiny packaging. If I have all the time in the world, I might write ten pages. Twenty pages. Half of it would be only peripherally related to chocolate. If I'm asked to write a book report, it's likely to be nearly as long as the book itself, because I can't figure out what the main points are, so I include everything.

On the other hand, I might freeze. I don't know where to start or what to say, so I sit there and stare at a page of paper that says "My Favorite Food" on the first line, with the rest blank and mocking me. All the things I could say seem to be equal in priority, and I don't know how to introduce the subject. I can't put myself in the reader's shoes and simultaneously think of what to say, so I'm essentially working without a theory of mind. I think of all the different things I could say and they don't have any orderly structure. There's no logical progression.

And the handwriting... oh, the handwriting! Unlike your son, I do have hypermobility in some of my joints, which means I grip the pencil unusually hard to keep it from slipping out of my fingers. Write long enough, about half a page, and my whole arm is aching. But even if I had strong hands with joints that didn't bend slightly backwards, there would still be the problem of, "How neat is neat enough?"

At the one end of the neatness spectrum is a perfect copy of the example letters on my handwriting worksheets. On the other end of the spectrum is a scrawl that doesn't even attempt to form letters. I can't figure out what "good enough" is because it's a smooth continuum. I'm so very detail-oriented that I notice every deviation from the example letters. Since I have no idea whether a given deviation is okay or not, I make the task easier on myself by simply shooting for that perfect copy of the handwriting sheet. It takes forever, but without the ability to determine whether a piece of imperfect work is acceptable, it's the only approach I can take--short of refusing to do the work at all. (Which I may very well do, because it is very distressing to be stuck figuring out what to say, and then stuck figuring out how neat is neat enough.)

Your son does not have ODD, nor should he be diagnosed with it. He thinks differently, in a very detail-oriented, black and white fashion, and this is jamming up his ability to do schoolwork. He needs to have things broken down into smaller steps that he can do, so that he won't be overwhelmed. If you were being asked to do a job that was too difficult for you to do, and everyone got angry or disappointed when you couldn't do it, and wouldn't believe that you were trying your best, you'd get frustrated and angry and stop wanting to do the job, too.

Here's something to try. Have him say what he wants to write. While he says it, you write or type it. When he is happy with what you have written down, he copies that text onto the final paper. That way he is not multi-tasking between writing and thinking of what to write. At nine years old, he still probably has to think hard to do the physical task of writing, and as an autistic person, he is also probably not that good at communication in general. Put the two together, and it's like he's trying to learn to juggle while also learning to roller-skate. Learning them separately is a better solution.

BTW, if he can demonstrate an ability to write neatly, you might get his teacher to explicitly agree to not grade him on handwriting on anything other than actual handwriting lessons. Then he could practice turning in writing that is less than perfect, and get some experience on figuring out what is readable and what isn't.

He may also like learning how to create and write from an outline. Now, usually that's something he'd learn in the sixth grade or so when he's writing his first research paper, but if he needs the structure an outline provides even for smaller essays, it might be a useful skill. An outline, a flowchart, some kind of visual organization. Heck, he could write concepts on note cards and arrange them on a table. If he is lost without structure, then this might be a skill he needs to learn earlier than most of his classmates will need it. They can keep all those little ideas straight in their heads; he needs them in front of him, in black and white, where they won't wiggle away and get lost before he has a chance to pin them down to the page.