Unnaware of tone of voice

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I seem to have this weird problem where I can not only have problems identifying the tone of voice someone else uses, but I seem to be unable to regulate or identify my own tone of voice.

For instance me and the wife where trying to figure out dinner and she said she had been thinking about making pasta. I said she could, I like it. Then she did not reply until way later, when she asked me if i was going to make something for dinner.

I said I was waiting for her to answer, after all I asked a question and I thought she was pondering the answer.

Both her and our roommate looked at me, eyes bulging, taken aback. And our roomate asked me "are you . . .ok?"

I was like yes, why?

She said I used a very very angry tone. I was so confused. I was like . . . I am not angry I did not mean to use a tone of voice. To be honest i feel really bad that this happens a lot and I never have a clue I am doing it. I do not want to sound like I am simply negating something I did wrong, but to convey the fact that tones of voice utterly elude me unless I am actually pissed and start yelling (which I can tell when I am like shouting yelling).

(and im a girl, btw, not a guy)

This kind of thing drives me nuts about my tone of voice.
I just simply do not get it.
You ask me something and I answer. What does my "tone" have to do with it?
I could understand if I was yelling. But my tone? Whatever.

I seem to have the same problem. Probably combined with wrong facial expressions. I get misunderstood very often.

I don't even notice my tone of voice a lot because I never change it.

Yes! I have the exact same problem, and it causes people to give me strange looks and then tell me I sound angry, or 'commanding', or even mean. And I am none of those things. I cannot figure out what to do to make others think that I sound nice. Over the years it has really hurt me for example when my kiddo thinks I'm mad, and I'm not at all mad and didin't realize what I sounded like. All I can do - and I've thought about this a lot, is lower the volume way down. But I forget and go right back to whatever normal is for me.

This seems to get me into trouble with my husband a lot. Strangely enough, I have no problem regulating my tone of voice when I am reading out loud. For some reason, written text provides context for me, and I am able to read texts I have never seen before with proper rhythm and emphasis. Just talking, though? No clue.

I have this problem as well. My parents always think that I'm giving them attitude when I'm not. I think it has something to do with me being very blunt and very matter of fact. Also my facial expressions don't change too often with what I'm saying. My mom says I can be monotone sometimes, so I guess that's also why it's hard to tell how I feel when I'm talking.

I've never had a problem with my tone of voice. When I speak, people can tell what my emotion is. I can't identify with you here.

Most of the time I just sound uninterested and kinda flat.

I have problems regulating both the volume and tone of my voice. My wife often points it out to me.

i am actually tone and Rythem Based, i cannot understand what a person is saying if they are very monotoned. i do not, however, use tone to understand emotions, and sometimes ill use the wrong tone.

now that you mention it, I have had this problem all my life also. I should mention, I'm a "late diagnosis" aspie. But everything in the previous posts rings totally true for me, I get accused of being angry a lot. I do have depression, and it's probably hard to sort out the ASD affect from the depression affect....

My daughter has struggled with this her whole life - she has a non-verbal learning disability - which means she doesn't understand body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, eye contact and all of the other little things that go along with effective communication. She has had a lot of therapy over the years and has learned all of these things, including listening to tone of voice - however she still tends to speak very loudly, all the time.

If this is truly something that bothers you I would suggest checking into some speech or social skills therapy. I don't know what is available for adults but having someone who deals with this professionally help you understand what is happening and practice the 'correct' way of speaking may be just the thing.

EzraS - unfortunately the sound of your voice has a lot to do with how you are interpreted by others. NT people communicate a lot with how we hold our bodies/ facial expressions/eye contact and tone of voice. It help us to better understand what the other person means - tone of voice can completely change the meaning of a simple phrase - for example:

I am going to kill you

Some people say this with a humorous tone of voice to indicate they are annoyed, but not angry.
Some people say this with an angry tone of voice that could imply imminent danger.

If you don't understand the tone of voice you are going to miss out on a lot of the conversation.

I hope this helps.

No way. I'm super-sensitive to voice tone, it's like music to me.

I have the same problem. People often think I'm angry.

I think you could say that I have this issue, as well. I always "feel" as if I am using the correct tone, but I often get told that my voice sounds flat or angry. I don't get it because, to me, it sounds like my voice is totally different (I hear my voice as being full of expression, but others hear the opposite).