Caused an Autistic woman to stim. Now I feel bad about it.

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1perCentury
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16 Jan 2014, 9:19 pm

I got to this bus stop and asked this girl around my age the bus time and when I barely opened my mouth, she hid her face behind the handle of her luggage and rocked back and forth while tapping it with her fingers. Now I feel bad about it. Not sure if and how I should apologize . Any advice in case this happens again?


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skibum
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16 Jan 2014, 9:25 pm

Oh, goodness. First of all you had no way of knowing. But I would write her a nice cute card and apologize and let her know that you completely understand her reaction and that you felt really bad about it. It seems like she may be nervous to be spoken to but perhaps a card may feel less invasive to her. And perhaps even a little chocolate bar as well with the card. That is what I might do. I would keep it very simple so that she does not get a wrong impression and think you might be trying to come on to her. If she knows that you are on the spectrum also, I did not look at your profile so I am just guessing that you are, she may feel more comfortable with you.


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1perCentury
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16 Jan 2014, 10:06 pm

The card wouldn't work seeing as she's not someone I run into regularly; this is the first and time and I'm not likely to run into her again. Its a great idea tho so don't get me wrong, and thanks.


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EzraS
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16 Jan 2014, 10:11 pm

I went to school with kids like that. I just left them alone, which is all they wanted.



Last edited by EzraS on 16 Jan 2014, 10:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Herman
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16 Jan 2014, 10:11 pm

Chocolate bar would be super weird! (No offense)

She might not be as either, could be some other psych issue and handing the card over may make her freak out.

If you see her again maybe just smile and make a friendly remark.



MjrMajorMajor
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16 Jan 2014, 10:17 pm

I wouldn't feel bad about it. I do the same sometimes, but it's refreshing to have recognition without judgement. It's just a release valve, but it shouldn't weigh so consequential( I believe).



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16 Jan 2014, 10:27 pm

skibum wrote:
Oh, goodness. First of all you had no way of knowing. But I would write her a nice cute card and apologize and let her know that you completely understand her reaction and that you felt really bad about it. It seems like she may be nervous to be spoken to but perhaps a card may feel less invasive to her. And perhaps even a little chocolate bar as well with the card. That is what I might do. I would keep it very simple so that she does not get a wrong impression and think you might be trying to come on to her. If she knows that you are on the spectrum also, I did not look at your profile so I am just guessing that you are, she may feel more comfortable with you.


This is good advice for someone you have known for a long time but in general doing something "sweet" for a stranger will be viewed as the first stage of a murder and he would be lucky not to get pepper sprayed.


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skibum
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16 Jan 2014, 10:35 pm

You guys are right. I assumed he had seen her at the bus stop every day for an extended time. I did not think it through that she was a complete stranger. It did not register to me because where I live we just have local buses so people tend to see each other regualrly at the same bus stops that they frequent. It was not until I reread the OP's post that I noticed that she had luggage so then I realized that this must not be a bus stop like I am used to in my town. And no offense taken at all Herman. But since he mentioned he might not even see her again I would not worry about it.


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cyberdad
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16 Jan 2014, 11:02 pm

If you do see this individual again then please leave her alone. Her response should tell you that's all she wanted.



Sethno
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16 Jan 2014, 11:07 pm

1perCentury wrote:
I got to this bus stop and asked this girl around my age the bus time and when I barely opened my mouth, she hid her face behind the handle of her luggage and rocked back and forth while tapping it with her fingers. Now I feel bad about it. Not sure if and how I should apologize . Any advice in case this happens again?


Others have already told you it wasn't your fault. Try not to worry about it.

Side point, I notice you describe yourself as NT, and you didn't just join because of the bus stop situation. What brings you around these parts? Do you have family on the spectrum? (Hope that's not coming across as invasive.)


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billiscool
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17 Jan 2014, 12:10 am

what is stim?



FishStickNick
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17 Jan 2014, 12:15 am

wozeree
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17 Jan 2014, 1:18 am

cyberdad wrote:
If you do see this individual again then please leave her alone. Her response should tell you that's all she wanted.


I sort of agree with this and I kind of don't. In this case, he will probably never see her again so it doesn't matter - but just because an Autistic person reacts with stress at a first meeting does not mean they don't want contact with other humans. He certainly shouldn't try to aggressively make friends with someone who shows anxiety like that, but a little question like he asked would not be/nor was it a cruel gesture. It's all hypothetical at this point though. But I always read stories here by posters who crave contact, but are stressed by it at the same time.

Anyway, I agree the OP shouldn't feel bad.



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17 Jan 2014, 1:31 am

You didn't do anything wrong; you just asked her for the bus time. No need to feel guilty--you didn't know she was autistic, or shy, or whatever might cause her to withdraw like that. If she is autistic, she is probably just overloaded by having to take a bus trip and couldn't handle the extra socialization, but it seems like she was doing fine, in general. I don't think you ruined her day or anything, just flustered her. If she had problems with people talking to her to the degree that someone asking her when the bus came would actually trigger shutdown or put her in danger, she wouldn't have been out by herself--she'd have had someone with her, or at least an assistance dog. Stimming is harmless, after all, however odd it looks, and if she calmed herself easily just by rocking a bit, your unexpected question was probably something she can expect to handle well enough to get by.


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