How to discuss a sensitive topic?

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I need advice on how to discuss a sensitive topic with my husband.
I'm aware of the ways that other people can and have taken advantage of him. He can be too trusting and at times reveals too much information about himself, or does inappropriate things socially/professionally (he recently changed jobs). He is usually unaware of the implications of his words/actions.
I’m uncertain on how to broach it with him as a larger issue, without referring to labels; so far each time something has happened we discuss it briefly and i know he ‘files’ that knowledge away for the next time. I don't want to change him or nag him or manipulate him and would value recommendations within that context.

possably you could start by talking in an abstract philosophic manner about such situations and gradually move toward the more specific personal aspects of the matter

Perhaps talk about how you have trouble sometimes with the issue and how you try to handle it, so it's not so much criticizing like you think you're better and more reflecting on something you've struggled with and learned, maybe acknowledging there are different possibilities. All in a very practical and straightforward way, so it doesn't come across confusing.

Is there a reason why you just can sit down next to him and discuss it openly and bluntly?
If your husband has Aspergers, tip-towing around the subject won't help, he won't get it and it will most likely frustrate you.

Bring it up with him, state exactly what you have stated here. Don't do it in an aggressive or demeaning way (I doubt that you will, you appear quite present) and everything should be fine.

If he does indeed 'file' the knowledge away, you can use this to your advantage. State what is inappropriate and the trademarks of someone whom takes advantage of a person.
If his mind works how I think it will, if he encounters that behavior, it will create a quick link to that particular card and he will be able to navigate accordingly.

You aren't changing him, you are alerting him to something that can be catastrophically dangerous not only to himself but to others around him. Notifying him is the best course of action.

Due to lack of correct education about what sex was and what rape was, I was almost raped by my two male friends when I was 16-17. I assumed they were just playing and looking for reactions. ( I do certain things to gauge peoples reactions at times) While that memory doesn't bother me, if I had of been alerted and had the informational checklist as to what a predator does and how they act, I would have been able to avoid that situation. Due to the fact that everyone assumed I knew what was what, I almost suffered a serious physical and mental assault. You NEED to talk to him about this. Don't let your fear stop you. He or others could be hurt by your silence.

this




That's a horrible situation to live through. A very good point.

Thank you for your responses, I have found them helpful because I've second guessed every approach, discounted every idea and found myself back at the beginning. I want to get this right.

yelekam, waterfalls
I can come up with a few examples, I can try the abstract route, but I’m concerned that he might perceive it as a personal attack if I talk about specific instances. Perhaps speaking from my own experience might work, I can relate to a ‘shark infested’ work environment. It’s the straightforward bit that I’m likely to muck up.

RedEnigma MrMajorMajor
No it’s not possible to speak openly; he really does not like it. However it is fine to discuss observable behaviors. The mention of a label has a negative outcome, so I just don’t go there. Yes it is frustrating, BUT it works for both of us, for now. I think a combination of your advice will work. I understand what you are saying about the risk of assumptions; it is terrible that you had such a horrible experience due to a lack of information.

I have some direction now, and its much appreciated

Is there a reason he does not like speaking about it?
Does he have Aspergers or do you suspect him to have Aspergers?
If the mention of a label bothers him, avoid talking about the label and discussed the observed behaviors of your partner.

It might work now, but at some point in the future your going to have to change your strategy. It might be an idea to start working on that now.

*chuckles*
Oddly enough, that experience that I had doesn't bother me, I wasn't actually raped so I don't see the point in being upset about it.
Plus I have Alexithymia, so even if I was, I wouldn't really be all that aware of it.
Sometimes, being a little broken is a good thing ^_^

Is there a reason he does not like speaking about it?
I don't know the actual reason; the conversation never got that far. I brought up Aspergers years ago (in hindsight I handled it badly), he really flipped out about it so we agreed on no labels allowed, but observed behaviour was fine. Where I grew up any difference was taboo. ADHD is diagnosed in my immediate family but its not discussed or referred to, however allowances were always made, making ‘no labels’ a small jump for me.

Does he have Aspergers or do you suspect him to have Aspergers?
I suspect that he is somewhere on the spectrum and thats it. There are multiple diagnoses of Aspergers in his family. However his immediate family context is different to mine: Imperfection does not exist, flaws in character are not tolerated, depression is made up, mild learning difficulties aren't real and discussing challenges is a load of clap-trap and for the weak... NOT MY OPINION)

My approach for now is just to accept what can be observed for what it is, simply a behaviour that ive observed, like I describe in the opening post. Figure out how I can talk with him about it. Educate myself, help him out when he needs it and figure out ways of dealing with challenges without using labels. Now that i look at my words, It’s all a bit fruity, but I get to be my unique self as a result

Has his blind trust of all people ever led to him getting burned?

If so, you have an example to use. You might say to him simply "Do you remember when 'such-and-such' happened? I thought I saw it happening again, and was wondering what you thought. How it struck me was this...There are users out there who take advantage of people. It's really important to watch your back and be stingy with how much of yourself you expose."

Something like that.

No references to Asperger's. Just concern from the wife about something he might not have noticed. He doesn't take such things badly, does he?

If he does have ASD there is no reason he wouldn't be able to sit down with you and logically look at the facts presented. If you present clear and concise proof that all of these behaviours point in the direction of ASD, on top of his biological background of family members with ASD, then he would be able to properly reason with you and maturely state why he agrees or disagrees. As an adult male with ASD myself, if I am presented with something completely logical and reasonable, I would never emotionally respond and would look over the facts myself and come to a conclusion, meaning that if he does actually have ASD, then communicating this to him should be no problem at all as long as it's executed clearly and directly.

Sethno, yes of course..... Trust has led to him getting burned before, a lot happened in a short space and he is not well in himself from it. No he doesnt take things like that badly, thanks for the example.
My communication skills or my ability to focus or who knows... any number of things would need to improve before id try out your suggestion jcq, thanks though.

I don't want to know if its Aspergers or anything else, I'm not bothered about that. Ill most likely never be diagnosed and neither will he, I'm just hitting a mind block on how to approach some things.
Nothing else
Crossed wires eh, anyone ever had them... No? Needed another perspective? Arrived here? Asked a few questions?

I don't care for your labeling system in the sign up section, it has caused a lot of unnecessary confusion. Anyway I get why the honest mistake on my part could lead to an avalanche. Right so Ill be off, Fnord or whoever please delete my account.