I connect to everyone, noone to me

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Hi

I keep reading that autistic people have a hard time connecting to people and I do not think that is quite true. Not for me.

My whole life I had an easy time to connect to everything around me. Objects, animals, persons. Teachers, friends, grandparents, children.
The problem is, that no person seems to be able to relate to me.

I need one look at someone to tell alot about them. My boyfriend links me to Sherlock Holmes which is quite flattering, and I have an easy time being open and talking to everybody but only, if I want to make a complete ass of myself. The problem is:

While I connect to people, understand them and all, most treat me like a circus attraction. As I understand that the other person is a human being I try to be open and forgiving, which is not something I get in return.

And as I am quite good at reading people I can "see" what they think, and mostly it is not pleasent. I am as naive as I am intelligent (very) and I try and try again, but I am starting to give up on people my age. They are so rigid in what they expect, and if you do not dance their dance they completely disconnect from you. All the while I am open to everything. The only people understanding me are a LOT older then me.

When I was younger (I am 26 now) it was easier, as there were kind freaks/outsiders everywhere, but every year these people are harder to find.

I am very happy with my boyfriend for 6 years now, but there is also the problem. I understand, always, what he is trying to say, where he is coming from but god forbid I need him to understand me for a moment.

Maybe that is because I consider myself a student of human emotions, but then I remember feeling this way all the way back to elementary school.
People consider me either a genius or an idiot, never a person.

"Connection" implies a 2-way relationship.

If you can connect to them but they don't reciprocate, you really don't "connect" with them.

If you understand it doesn't mean it's easy to communicate so the other person understands. It might be they have trouble with that. People are often puzzled when I talk, which makes me very alone. I didn't understand it until recently. It's very hard making what seems like good sense of the world and having thoughts you want understood when there isn't that reciprocity.

I disagree. You are of course right in a strictly logical sense, but as this is about personal experience and emotions this is not helpful thinking at all. Point being:

I feel connected to people, and the only thing standing in the way of 2-way connection is them accepting my invitation and understanding my language.





Waterfalls, I do not really know what you are saying, sorry.

That you took the time to tell me you didn't understand and were sorry is maybe a big difference between you and some other people, especially young, rushed people.

I will try again--- I often feel I understand something but can't functionally use that understanding as I would like to because it takes longer than people usually have, leaving me feeling very alone and that I reach out much more than what I get back. Though there are people who care enough about the individual to pay attention. You did that for me, by telling me you didn't understand instead of ignoring me. Thank you for doing that for me, usually I have to guess. I don't know you to know if this happens to you, too, but I am ignored by most people when they don't understand, having trouble with communication that is part of ASD means more failures of the easy communication most people want. Hence the feeling of connection, which for me takes longer. I can do it, but not in the time frame most people expect, explaining why I think I have the experience you are describing. I thought maybe it might be something you could use in some way, hoped the idea would be useful.

Sorry for going on. I wanted to make sense.

Actually that was super helpful.

Over the years I got very sensitive towards that neuro-typical look of "WTF is he talking about?" Where it was just a nuisance earlier, nowadays it nearly always hurts.
Maybe it would help to think of it not as critic, but merely them saying "Sorry, I do not understand."

Next time that happens I will try to think of this.


I understand the need for going on, and wanting to make sense, very well. It is very autistic, is it not?

I'm glad it helped. And yes, exactly what you said. Thank you for taking the time to understand what I was saying.

Hi Asperbear,

I can relate exactly to what you are saying. It's frustrating and confusing to say the least. You simplify things to a level that you believe they will understand and still it seems like an ocean apart. People just don't think at your level mostly. They really do think at another level entirely. It's been a hard concept for me to grasp as well. Things that are so overly apparent to me are anything but to the majority of others.

Try not to let it get you down, it's hard when their is so much weight to what you know. I just try to find the humor in it. It helps to be able to laugh at it. Outside of that I am really not sure, I am still trying to figure it out myself.

Anyway here's hoping that this was a least a little helpful.

The thought of being ''unable'' to connect to other people really panics me, as in depresses me to the point of panic.

I think I can connect to people if A), I have got to know them well enough (and they have given me the chance to get to know them), and B) depending on the person. Some people I just can't connect to at all, and others I feel I can.

I think it takes time for me to be able to build up a connection, which is why I can't make friends as quickly as most. Some people don't give it enough time and will just assume that there will never be any emotional connection with me and so just talk to me as an acquaintance. Others (not many though) will give it more time to grow into a friendship, and the more I see them the more I will feel comfortable around them and automatically feel emotionally connected.

But I think it's also because I don't do first impressions very well.
My cousin can form emotional connections with people within a few minutes of first meeting them, probably because she is naturally good at first impressions. Everywhere she goes she brings a new friend home and within about a week she is invited round to their's and sleeps there. I wish I knew how to become connected to people that quick.

Hey,

What you've described has been a mirror of my own experiences. I was always 'open' (unconditional love/acceptance) to other people, but they could not reciprocate that level of 'openness' (most NTs are more guarded/fearful). It requires non-judgment (openness/vulnerability/no filters) to be able to perceive others correctly and connect with them fully (empathy - not the cognitive form of empathy). I guess the craving one has regarding others is for that same level of acceptance, which for most NTs is not possible. NTs love conditionally. I was hurt a lot throughout adolescence, so I became more guarded. I have since shed those layers (defenses) and am much like I was before I was 'hurt'. I still have some residual anxieties and self-doubt. So, now when I am around people I start to pick up their level of guardedness or openness, and other bits of information about them (intuitive understanding). Some people take some time to open up and others never do. But when it comes down to it, their reactions are never truly about you. It's about them (and their insecurities), so it's best not to take it personally. I know it is hard because you perceive 'rejection' and that is hurtful. People can't give you something they lack the capacity to give.

I wanted to add that a lack of understanding can be because a person has no frame of reference (it is outside of their current experience/awareness), so once you experience something you develop a reference point. What is unknown becomes known. What you, I and other people on the spectrum (plus NTs with certain sensitivities) experience is outside of most peoples present understanding. It is hard for someone with no reference point to grasp or make sense of. Similar to how some of the things NTs experience is outside of our understanding - although we do not have the experiential knowledge or innate understanding we can learn to understand things through 'intellectual' means. It is easier for us to learn and understand NTs than the other way around, simply because some things are outside the box (and requires an open-mind and a lot of patience to grasp). And there is more knowledge about NTs because they dominate the world.

Hi, I feel I can connect with a lot of people, too. And I have some empirical evidence, in a sense. I lived in Las Vegas from 2006 to '08, and tried to make money playing poker. I did come out ever so slightly ahead, with upswings and downswings. Now, reading people is just part of it. Sometimes a person makes a 'crying call,' meaning they call a substantial bet even though they don't feel at all good about their hand. And sometimes I pushed too hard. (I recommend poker for the social skills, but . . . the downswings are statistically highly likely and easy to lose your rhythm over, and playing too conservative is no answer either, so please be careful.)

And when I liked someone, I did have an easier time reading them.

Last edited by AardvarkGoodSwimmer on 17 Jan 2014, 4:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

i feel the same way its horrible isn't it knowing that they don't understand your side it sounds like you understand people its not connecting your doing its that you understand them but not the other way around if you both understood each other then you'd make a connection