Accusations

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Do people keep accusing you of either:

1 Doing things you have not done
2 Feeling things you do not feel
3 Thinking things you are not thinking
4 Believing things you do not believe
5 Having intentions you do not have

And do you get upset about it?

PN I am not talking about misunderstandings that were easily resolved with an 'I do apologise it seems we have our wires crossed'. I am talking about out right accusations where the other party will not listen to reason or even bother to take time to try and understand your side of things.

I have been accused of so many things by other people over the course of my life, and it has caused so much trouble and unnecessary drama, that I tend to find that I want to stay away from other human beings these days. It is not life that causes problems and misery but other people. They seem to bring virtually no joy to a persons existence.

And if you protest and argue back with them when they make these accusations as a way of trying to defend yourself you are accused of being the drama queen (not them, even though they started it) and of just trying to cause trouble.

It is like you have no right to speak your side of the story.

I have often been socially unpopular often because of people making accusations about me and spreading rumours that are not true. I am socially ostracised by society as a result so what difference does it make now if I were to decide that contact with the human race was just not worth the time and effort I am expected to put into it.

They want me to do therapy so I can get over my social issues and go back to work..so I feel pressured to socialise more than I really want to (i really only want one close friend and a lover to socialise with, I don't care much for socialising with the world in general most of the time...now and then I don't mind...I don't ignore people if they speak to me in real life as that would be rude. Online I can't always keep up with emails as I don't like the internet much and don't like spending too much time on it, so I am not always at my computer and if I am it is to download some Evgeny Kissin these days) and I know society is not going to let up.

Between its constant accusations and resulting trouble making in my life and the constant pressure to be some social chit chat who never shuts the f**k up...I am stressed, stressed, stressed and stressed out. This is why I get so depressed and why I wonder if life is worth sticking around for sometimes (not right now, just talking about my thoughts when I feel that way)...I mean what quality of life am I ever going to have if I am being forced to be a part of a society that just seems to want to make me miserable because I am not what it thinks I should be?

This is why I sometimes talk openly about suicidal feelings and thoughts. I don't however sit around trying to kill myself every day...I am not a stereotype. I just have thoughts and feelings about it, and I am open about them, that is all.

I want to live my life outside of society as much as possible...if I could I would go live out in the wilderness with the rest of the planet, somewhere far away from the human species. I don't mind living a more basic lifestyle to do it, it is kind of fun. I started getting rid of most of my techno stuff (with a few necessary exceptions...ie washing machine, fridge, computer) a long time ago (ie don't have a mobile or ipad or kindle or big screen tv and tend to stick to only what I need with the devices I do have etc).

I don't want the life society is trying to force me into...

Yes to all five. And yes in many cases once they make up their minds they refuse to accept the truth.

It can be upsetting, although usually it's just frustrating. Because I have encountered this often enough I can respond without being defensive, but it doesn't really make it any better.

Yes.

It was really bad when I was a kid, and I learned to try to hide everything all the time. If there is nothing to interpret, there is nothing to misinterpret.

Hiding became the main thing I did up until high school. But then I was deeply depressed and thought regularly about making an early exit.

In going through a particularly bad period when suicide was a real option, almost carried out, I realized that I wanted and needed contact with people.

Trying to create that was really, really tough and i was often misinterpreted, accused if all kinds of s**t and went through a lot of new pain and distress.... But also made friends and met my wife.

She saved my life, pretty much. With her encouragement, I was able to get a job that lead to another and another and a couple of decades of gainful employment.

The great thing about getting a job was learning about professional personas. No one is naturally themselves I the corporate world. All you have to do is study the part and you can give appropriate responses to 80% of situations. The other bits you can get by with if you focus. There is always some purely political stuff that you will never get or navigate successfully, and this may limit certain paths for you... But if you can live with not being CEO, that's not the biggest problem.

So if you can get through the really tough parts with family and school and make just a few friends, learn to wear some professional roles/masks/personas, the whole interpretation thing becomes less of an issue, I think.

The only routinely tough part (in this way) is business meals. A sort of minefield. You can often get by in those situations by focusing on the other person/people (ask a lot of questions) or on their views about work activity. But people will think you are odd. That's ok if they don't also think you are an enemy/a**hole/jerk.

You really only need a few people who can understand to have a pretty good life, once you get past family and school.

1 All the time back when I was a child and up to when I was in 6th grade.
2 As far as I can remember nope.
3 Yup
4 Nope
5 All the time


I don't even care anymore.

Story of my life. People do that in order to feel less bad about not wanting us anywhere near. They just have to find an excuse, so if you keep trying to show them that they're wrong in the accusation, you're making it more difficult for them to get rid of you, and they get really nasty. In my case it's so bad that in the last few years I've had to resort to the only thing I see makes them stop, and it's to threaten them with reporting them to the police for harrasment. Inventing false blame and not stopping at the sight of proof to the contrary is harrasment.

2,3,4,5

But remember-
Sometimes they don't even know the person they're interacting with is on the spectrum.

I got some of that from people when I was younger, and I've never had a diagnosis.

Some people are just idiots. I suspect half the time (if not more), what they're accusing you of (what you think, how you feel, etc.) is actually how THEY would feel in the same situation, and they assume other people are exactly like them.

Morons.

You tell them to their face they're wrong, and they, with NO ability to read your mind, INSIST nonetheless that you DO feel or think they way they're claiming.

People like that should be sedated, sterilized, and kept sedated for the rest of their lives.

Yeah, I don't really mean that last part, not really, but you wish SOMETHING like that could be done, SOME type of isolating control could be suddenly put upon them to lock them up and make sure they can't mess with anyone else.

No, I carry no emotional scars. Why do you ask?

most people will judge your actions according to how they'd act in that same position and so as we tend to act different they assume we are doing so on purpose to be defiant

If this is a running theme in your life then it's of value to realize that peoples' perceptions of us are based on what we're putting out there for them to perceive. If their thoughts & assumptions about you are these things, then you've got to stop and take a look at yourself, your behaviours, your words, your actions, your body language - everything - and analyze it with the intent of learning what it is about you that others are perceiving in this way. Peoples' perceptions of you and the feedback you get is a direct reflection of what you're giving off.. if you don't like what you're seeing in this mirror, take a good hard look at the source of what others are reflecting. Chances are if it's e v e r y o n e else, it's not, it's you. Harsh reality of the situation.

I think this is a bad habit common to NTs that they use on anyone they are upset with,not just autistics

i don't think that's fair yes by all means work on your self but the truth is most people wont like your aspie side as it tend to rub some people up the wrong way at times even i in the past have been called an a$$ hole and told to f^ck off even after telling this person my diagnosis and i was genuinely hurt by that and it was never my intent to offend

No, want to know what I really think? There are multiple reasons and here are some of them:

I have a higher IQ than average and most people are not able to understand my way of perceiving the world and/or how I think. They assume I think like they do, I do not.

Also I am at a different stage of moral development to them so their morals are different to mine (mine are relative, dependent on the variables involved and geared towards individual rights, theirs are absolute, not dependent on variables and geared more towards the rights of the group rather than the individual).

Some tend to want to cause trouble (bullies spreading false rumours) because a lot of what I experience are outright lies about me. They just want to humiliate someone for their own perverse entertainment.

Some just refuse to listen as they don't seem to be capable of considering another persons side of the story or they just don't care enough to want to know.

Another factor is stereotyping. I say I feel depressed and everyone automatically assumes I lie in bed all day whining trying to kill myself...as this is the stereotypical image of a depressed person. I do not in fact behave in that way when I am depressed as I hate being bored and inactive so going to bed is the worst thing I can do. I actually prefer to keep busy to take my mind off whatever is upsetting me, especially if I am unable to find a solution. If I am able to find a solution I do so, so again contrary to popular belief I do not refuse to help myself. The only reason I refuse advice is because the advice is not useful to me as it is for someone who is an extrovert for example and completely ignores my introverted nature. There is no crime in being an introvert...and I morally object to a society that says it is a bad thing!! !! !! !! !! And strongly so!! !! !! !! !! So no, I don't hate myself because I am not a social butterfly. I like being me, I enjoy my personality, and I want someone who accepts and likes me for myself.

And no its not everyone..how can it be 7 billion people...I have not met 7 billion people.

Also if there is a body language issue or a problem to do with mixed signals I don't know about that...this is the problem and I am not going to try and explain it again for people who don't get it.

This is one reason I suspect I am on the spectrum...I don't read the rules of social games, I don't read all body language, I don't read all social cues. Ergo if I cannot read the signals coming in from others, I probably also cannot read the signals going out. Things mean a different thing to me than they do to them and I cannot possibly know how someone else is going to interpret my actions, so what you suggest goldfish is an impossibility as it requires the ability to mind read...

I am sorry I am not psychic.

And last but not least I like myself, I have been having this argument with people like you on a number of sites for over 10 years now and still they cannot accept that I don't suffer from self hatred and/or worthlessness. I really do not understand why you, or they, cannot accept this.

Why is it so important to you that I must dislike myself?

People see what they want to see, not what really is.

I really f*****g hate this s**t. Is there anyone out there willing to accept that I don't hate who I am and that I like my own company? Just because I would like a companion to enjoy some shared interests with on occasion that does not mean I don't like spending time with me.

I am absolutely sick of this s**t and this self help book psycho babble f*****g claptrap.

10 years 10 years these people have chased people away from me by making out that I am a self hating loser who sits around doing nothing all day but whining when this is not true at all. They are driving me f*****g insane!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !

I don't want to be like them...they are dumb as all f*****g hell...they cant even understand the sentence.

i DONT hate myself.

Either that or they are manipulating me as they know it rattles my cage.

Irritating.

Last edited by bumble on 19 Jan 2014, 3:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

honestly you should ask to be tested if you think your on the spectrum it might help you

I hate it when I'm accused of doing something, and I try to convince the accuser that I never did anything, and they insist that I did something anyhow. If there's one thing I hate about communicating with people like that, it's that you can't "force" them to listen and believe what you're saying unless they are willing to.

I doubt I will get it as my drs don't listen to me.

I have been telling drs and therapists that I have social problems since I was 13. I am now nearly 40 and they just either ignore me and gloss over it or just see it as shyness/negative thinking/hypochondria and send me on my way.

It once took me 2 years to a referral for a sinus infection as they insisted that my headaches where psychiatric in origin. They did in fact turn out to be from a chronic sinus problem that needed surgery but not before my drs spent 2 years calling me a hypochondriac whilst refusing to even examine me.

I changed drs but its on my record now so I get the same crap from new drs even though I was right and their was a sinus problem there. For the last 10 years on and off I had terrible problems with migraines (different type of headache to sinus headache), stomach pain, fatigue, not being able to stay upright without feeling light headed and losing control of my bowels. All my drs said was it was anxiety and depression. They were wrong as I still get the same social problems, the stress related to that, and the low mood but the physical symptoms have all gone since I took various chemicals out of my lifestyle (medications, quit smoking, additives and preservatives in food, artificial sweeteners etc).

Basically they wasted years of my life with another misdiagnosis.

Dr's don't take me seriously and I don't look autistic, I just look a bit frowny, quiet and shy so they assume it is just social anxiety. It also does not help that I actually do get nervous at drs appointments because of bad past experiences so they see that anxiety and think I am like that all of the time. This is not the case...whilst in some instances I will experience social anxiety (an interview, a drs appointment) I won't in others (talking to a shop assistant to ask where something is, sorting out bills on the phone, talking to an old person at a bus stop) but still I am unable to find friends and when I do they are horribly depressed and think I understand their going to bed and hating themselves. I think because I have a depression diagnosis and they think I identify with them.

Um I just feel sad over certain things in my life and keep crying over them and I may sometimes wonder if my life is worth carrying on with due to my concerns over financially supporting myself and holding down a job with my social problems (I am ostracised and bullied more often than not for reasons I don't really fully understand as i have never hurt anyone and don't deserve the treatment I get from people, and this stresses me out and causes me to flee from the situation to avoid the upsetting circumstances)

I cannot give the depressed people the emotional reassurance they need. I don't know what they want from me and its gets me down. Plus their mood does not improve when things change like mine does so I can't go out to the theater and enjoy a nice night out with them, they are depressed the whole time whereas I can enjoy the performance.

No offense but it is depressing.

Also they they neglect their physical health and do drugs, drink, smoke and eat a lot of junk food. I used to have problems with some of those things but I quit most of them as they were not doing me any good. I did have a brief fling with alcohol but that is pretty much dying a death now as its not of benefit to me (stops me from functioning and makes me feel poorly as well as triggering migraines as does cigarette smoke), I don't smoke and don't want to inhale other peoples (see migraine comment). I dont eat much junk food now as I don't want a constantly upset stomach and so on. I also use exercise to help with my mood and weight lift, do yoga and swim regularly (except over xmas as that was a bad month). Ok they don't want to look after themselves but they expect me to be the same and I don't want to. I don't like feeling ill all the time just for the sake of putting crap into my body. And then when I don't want to do these things I am accused of being boring or wrong.

IE the last person I met wanted to smoke cannabis and drink alcohol with his mates in my house. I said I didn't want it in the house so he said they could smoke and drink by the door or in the garden. Um I don't want a party of people smoking drugs and drinking in my garden!

Firstly my neighbours will complain
Secondly I like my one bedroom bungalow with front and back garden and dont want the landlord to kick me out
Thirdly I don't want the police around..I don't get in trouble like that (except once when I was a teenager, I got a bit too drunk and go a conditional discharge for being drunk and disorderly...once was enough and I don't have a permanent record and don't want one thank you).
Finally I do not like cannabis and do not want it in my system. I don't use drugs and never did (except once when I tried it as a teenager and did not like it).

So then people condemn me and bully me because I dont' want their bad habits in my life.

I don't like all the chaos it causes.

And is outside of my other difficulties with making friends due to not really knowing how to initiate conversations, difficulty thinking of things to say, not being able to read certain things (such as peoples intentions unless it is blatantly obvious), difficulty with background noise when socialising sometimes and needing alone time to recover myself between social interactions and so on.

It's all a bit much for me at the moment.

And I am not allowed to say anything as if i do I am being offensive. ....

I must apparently say the very depressed drug users who regularly abuse themselves are wonderful people to be around when personally i find their lifestyle choices very upsetting.

I don't cope with their chaos and its wearing me down so unless I can find a different type of friend then I have no choice but to stay isolated and lonely.

All I wanted was a congenial companion to enjoy a few hours company now and then. I need my alone time but I am not a complete hermit. I just don't socialising for the sake of it, I only enjoy the company of people whom I share something in common with but I am having terrible trouble finding it.

I have been out every day for 6 months and have not made one contact despite putting in efforts to chat to people.

The people at my local pub said no one wants to talk to me because I am too weird, but would not tell me how or why.
Other conversations just went no where
On other days no social interactions occurred at all other than ordering a cup of coffee to take away at a cafe (or sit in, whichever).

I can't even fill out the CBT forms I had (ripped them up now as I can't fill them out and I got upset about it) as I have not had any social interactions that 'went past surface interaction' and which I thought went badly except that instance at the pub and that did actually go badly. There is no thought about it. It is not an example I can use to convince myself I am accepted and loved and cared for by people....

Um I am completely alone, no family, no friends, no partner. One contact on skype I talk to once in a while...but she (the therapist) wants real life social interaction, not online only.

So I can't even do my CBT as things stand.

They will have to find the social interactions for me as I am struggling.

I am looking into a educational course but so far have not found anything I can do right now and that I can get funding for. Plus most courses now start in September anyway.

I go the gym...that has yielded nothing, People don't speak and if they do it is in passing.

I can't do this...i have done my best and its not working. Its either alone or the depressed people.

No offense to the depressed people but I don't get the version of depression where I go to bed and hate myself and emotionally beat myself up. I prefer to find a practical solution instead but I don't know how to cope with your emotions all the time. it is not that I don't care it is that I cannot cope with you and the chaos you cause with your mood swings and self destructive behaviour. At times when I have tried to take the depressed people on, when the stress of coping with them gets too much for me I don't have anyone to turn to for support and I can't turn to them because they don't understand. They think I am like them.

The only reason i ever stayed in bed all day was because I used to feel horribly ill until I took all those chemicals out. Now I still feel sad and I cry a lot as I am very unhappy but I don't want to sit around doing nothing all day. It is boring and not very stimulating and I need to do interesting things to take my mind off stuff. My ability to enjoy is reduced a little when I am down, but rarely leaves me completely.

As to posts like that from goldfish, I have done everything I personally know how to do, and not all of it is my doing. Whatever it is is something I don't have control over and I am tired of people like him blaming me when I have put so much effort in.

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Goldfish, you gloat too much, its not going to make you very popular. So you think you got over your social issues with your diet? think again. Your behaviour here does not indicate you are cured.

hasn't your CBT therapist realized you might be autistic by the problems you must be having when i tried it i told her and she agreed and said go back to my dr as she felt i needed to be tested for aspergers