"Out of the box" solutions for extreme loneliness

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Hello,
I have Asperger Syndrome and am living with my aging grandfather (he is 81). He and I recently moved to a city of around a million people (he has medical issues and wanted to live closer to a medical center). He and I live in a 2 bedroom apartment, and I help him out with the rent.

I've always had trouble making friends (I'm 39 years old). In the past I've tried the traditional channels to meet people, such as joining clubs, meeting people online etc., without much luck.

Where I used to live (a smaller sunbelt city of around 70,000 people), there was a soup kitchen that I ate at because I was so lonely and financially strapped (still am). There, I could have a friendly conversation with people on occasion.

In this new city of about a million people, it is just me and grandpa alone - we live in an apartment in a suburban-like neighborhood.

People who have it together generally don't give me the time of day. This is a family-oriented city where people dress extremely well. I have a strong feeling that I will not meet anyone here. The soup kitchen in the city is in an unsafe neighborhood - as a female it would be very unsafe to take the bus alone and come home alone at night. My grandpa doesn't want to venture out there and I don't blame him, as it looks very scary at night.

Where I used to live, the town was small enough that the soup kitchen was not in a scary neighborhood for a female walking alone. But in a bigger city, things are more spread out and segregated. For example, there is an Aspie meetup at the other end of town, and the buses don't reach there...)

Where I live now, there are mostly strip malls and box retail stores. Nearly everyone drives a car.

In my experience, people who have it together generally want nothing to do with me. I've experienced that in work situations in the past, as well as attempting to meet people through my church. I simply have no luck making friends with "normal" people.

Here, I look out the window of the apartment and see that most people are extremely well-dressed; their hair is immaculate. The only way that I have a chance of meeting people is by going to a bad neighborhood.

As a single female, it is too risky to take the bus home alone at night from a depressed neighborhood (where I might actually find misfits like myself)....so I'm stuck.

I know that grandpa won't be around forever, and this scares me - I find myself worrying about the future so much..........I know that someday I will be completely alone. I do not fare well, alone. I need people.

While my grandpa is still alive and well (i hate to think of his aging, health issues, etc. it is terribly depressing), I know that I need to prepare myself for a life completely alone.

I HAVE BEEN THINKING OF "OUT OF THE BOX" SOLUTIONS, such as:

1). For the fear of eventually living alone, using a social media channel to connect with other lonely souls who need a virtual roommate, especially at night, i.e. being "live" online during sleeping hours and finding someone else who wants to do the same, or simply having my channel open for visitors at all hours of the night and feeling less alone that way.

I know this sounds pathetic but it is the only solution I can think of, as in my 39 years, all traditional ways of meeting people have failed. For example, when trying to meet people online, people flake out and I consistently get stood up. Meeting people in real life has also failed - I've been unable to form actual friendships outside of whatever the get-together is, though have had a handful of pleasant conversations in soup kitchens, parks where the homeless congregate, etc.

I know that I will be completely alone someday, and the thought terrifies me. I have reached out for professional help in the past, and aside from people wanting you to pop a bunch of pills, or a 50 minute therapy session once a week, I've found there is just not enough help for someone with the scope of my problems (Asperger Syndrome as well as mental health + sensory issues).

For example, I get overwhelmed and stressed easily and am prone to severe depression and anxiety. Being alone multiplies this tenfold.

Please humor me and realize that I will never make real life friends - I tried and failed in 39 years. Professional support, though well-meaning, is lacking in time and scope. I need more than what paid professionals can provide.

PLEASE HELP!! !!

Or if you can relate to this....?

Last edited by existentialterror on 24 Jan 2014, 2:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I understand. I am alone and have no friends myself. I, once in a while, chat to people on the internet but it never really seems to go anywhere.

I do live in a reasonable neighbourhood crime wise but it is out in a small village and there is no way of traveling here after 5.30 at night as the public transport stops unless you can afford a taxi or you drive (which I can't as I don't presently work).

There are also no social events here other than the local pub and that did not work out well for me. Firstly it is not a good idea for me to drink alcohol and secondly the people in there are not very friendly (the last time I went in there they said no one wanted to speak to me because I was too weird).

People are not very friendly and the village is very cliquey. I am pretty much an outsider here so never have any visitors etc. I even tried going out to the gym in the nearby market town but that has not yielded any friendships either.

I am not officially diagnosed as having an ASD (my therapist feels I may do though) as my official diagnosis is Social Anxiety and Depression but I very much have traits of Asperger's all the same. I am 38 and have struggled to make friends for my entire life.

I don't think I can give you any useful advice as much as I would love to because I am stuck in a similar position myself and am unable to find my way out of it. Tonight I am sat here alone knitting.

I do hope you get the advice you need though...feel free to message me if you would ever like to chat.

Are you in a position to get a dog, or do your appartments not allow animals? They can be brilliant company all by themselves, so uncomplicated and loving; I would be lost without my big shaggy dog. Another plus is that they have to get out and have some exercise so you could potentially go to the local park or dog walking area and you immediately have something in common with everybody else there. That is the conversation starter right there, "Isn't that a lovely dog you have, what is his/her name? What breed is she/he? etc etc" It doesn't have to get any more personal than that, but you can talk for hours about your precious buddy. I have a rare breed for the UK - A Leonberger - and she is huge but absolutely gorgeous. I get stopped just about every time I go out with her, and at times it is not what I want, but I do get to talk about one of my specialist topics! Yay!

I appreciate this may not be possible where you live, but if it is, then I really do recommend a dog, or two little dogs, as a way of breaking the lonliness. I have learned so much about what it is to be human from my interactions with dogs.

You may get lucky in the meetup group in that you could hitch a ride with someone going your way. Sometimes people are friendly enough to give rides even if it is out of their way.

I'm in a similar position. I have a few friends/close acquaintances, but not very many. It was hard work finding those, and that resulted in a social disaster I have no wish to repeat, and the fact that I struggle with social interaction has also left me with a fairly serious social anxiety problem, such that I'm getting out less and less - and when I do it takes me at least a couple of days to recover.

I know where Bumble is coming from when it comes to people in the pub not wanting to talk to you because you're too weird, although there is now no way I would set foot in a pub. Tried that: big mistake.

The irony that there are all these similar, isolated, vulnerable people out there is not lost on me.

I suppose all I can do is sympathise. If I had any simple, out of the box solutions, I would use them.

Would love to meet your dog, Davvo.

What Davvo7 said, only that I was going to recommend one or more cats. Without my cats, I'd have long gone crazy or completely catatonic. I've been living alone for almost 20 years now, so I've had a lot of time to come to terms with my situation. Especially since every attempt at being more social reminds me that people suck and makes me feel worse than a completely solitary existence. Solitary with a couple of cats, that is. Thank evolution for cats.

I don't have that many people around me either but that is mainly because it is what I need. My need for the company of others has always been minimal. I used to worry about that untill one of the therapists I was seeing for my aspergers said to me that there is nothing wrong with that and that I am not the only autist who prefers to be alone. Others probably think that I am extremely lonely but I don't feel lonely at all. A lot of NT's have the tendancy to project their own wants and needs on others unfortunately.

I do respect the fact that you guys may have a different opinion and do feel lonely though.

I really envy you. I've always been trying to be completely self-sufficient, and I often feel relatively content for months on end. But at some point, there is always this nagging need to find a few allies in the local ape herd and rise above my social pariah status. There ought to be meds for my social need disorder, maybe oxytocin precursor drugs that simulate positive social feedback. Because there sure is no way in hell for me to get this experience from other people.

I only ever interact long enough with others until I'm thoroughly reminded why social interaction is bad for me. Then I retreat to lick my emotional wounds, eventually reach a state of contentedness, rinse and repeat. I wish I were just a little more autistic and this need would finally go away.

Eventhough my need for social contacts has always been way below average I do regognize certain aspects of your story.

Last edited by pokerface on 25 Jan 2014, 10:23 am, edited 2 times in total.

What I meant is that you seem to need social interaction less than I do, which is why I envy you. I'm sorry if I misunderstood your post.

I PM'ed you.

I like living alone and enjoy being as self sufficient as I can be (given that I presently need benefits as I am not able to work...although I am considering self employing in the future, not sure how yet though, can't make up my mind) but I also need company once in a while. Whilst I am happy to be without friends (although one or two compatible close friends would be nice all the same and I wouldn't turn them away if they turned up) I do like romance and sexual intimacy. Ergo I do pine a little for a life partner, but not a partner to live with...I'd have to be really compatible with someone to want to share living accommodations with them.

This is where I find I lose NTs as they think I need someone to live with...not particularly, but a little company with someone whom I share an emotional bond with (I do like an emotional bond to be there, casual relationships feel a little empty to me) once in a while.

I appear to be complicated. LIfe would be easier with the romantic yearning or the yearning to share a connection with another human being though. Less feelings of loneliness.

PN I don't know if I am on the spectrum or not but as I do not identify with NTs and seem to be unable to connect with them in any meaningful way I don't class myself as neurotypical. If I am, I really do not feel it.

Box friends.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ka-1qAEDwJk[/youtube]

Other than befriending boxes, I don't know.

Last edited by Stannis on 25 Jan 2014, 11:13 am, edited 4 times in total.

double post

I think getting a cat as companion is a good way of dealing with extreme loneliness - a companion that actually understands you!

Can I ever relate to this.

I have made many efforts over the years to try and find a group where I would feel good, because although I don't desire a lot of socialization, none at all is also problematic. You can forget how to act around people, when you have too much isolation. I am conscious of this, even as I have become more and more withdrawn over the years.

So far I have not found the magic answer though. I think that for some of us, it will always be hard, always an uphill thing to find that balance.

Even if you join a group relating to your special interest, it can still be hard as typical guys will form groups and compete (and I always wondered where the whole competitive team sports ethic originated...)

I certainly do wish you luck though, even as I have no useful advice myself to give.