Helping father with Aspergers transition into retirement

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I am looking for resources to assist my father in law cope with making the decision to retire ( from the job he has done for 55 years, sell his perfectly modified house of 48 years and move.... He has Un diagnosed Aspergers. Any suggestions on the best way to approach the " I think you might have Aspergers" discussion would be greatly appreciated. He is a great man and I really want help him well in ways that he can appreciate and feel empowered.

Does he want to retire?

I don't think he can comprehend it. His wife is really ready to move closer to family and is struggling with the large house and recently he has started showing signs of dementia. Our desire is to have him retire before he is let go and move while he is able to familiarize himself with the new living situation before his dementia progresses. There are moments when he will give an " I can appreciate that" but then will cycle into listing modifications he has made to perfect his home, how many coat hangers they own and what would be done with them, etc. really don't want him to feel forced into anything but want to help him make choices while he is the one in control.

What is the dementia like?

I have a few instances of this going on in my family.

It reads as though he has made his choice: he wants to remain where he is in the home he has spent a lifetime making comfortable for himself. Circumstances may eventually make this not possible, and it seems he is considering the reasons offered for change, but for now it reads as though he has made his choice.

EDIT - Apologies, I missed the "in-law" part and assumed it was your farther and that he had re-married.

Hello DILjean, I'm in a similar position although my father has already retired, this was engineered by the directors of the company he had worked for for 30+ years. He now struggles with an insatiable drive to be doing things, but also not having much to do, and not doing what he does do well either. Funny in a way as he has always been chasing perfection.

In my opinion you don't need to have the "I think you have aspergers" conversation at all, it's really not going to change anything at this point in time. Concentrate on dealing with the dementia and helping to make his wife's life easier too, especially if she is to be caring for him. It really does make sense for them to move closer to those who are able to support her and into a smaller property and this is what you need to steer your father towards. Does this mean they will be further away from you? My mother, who has control issues almost to OCD level, no longer has the time or energy to clean the house to her own high standards, it's not a large place and she finds this challenging herself.

A change of residence would be a good time to change routines, for example I have had to fit a key safe at my parents house otherwise my father hides them when he get hold of them, or removes the front door key from the bunch. Obviously I can understand it's upsetting for him and also beyond his comprehension to understand why he is no longer allowed to have a set of keys for himself. If you convince your father to move house then it could be a time for his wife to take control of issues like this.

If you father has a hobby, or other interests, that will be safe for him to continue as the condition progresses, then these should be encouraged as a future past time, replacement for work and general distraction. Try to increase the number of interests he is involved in with physical exercise to be included if at all possible. With my father as an example then trying to get him to do anything new now that the dementia has a significant effect on him is a complete waste of time and can be very frustrating too.

Work with your father to limit the effects of dementia for as long as possible, aspergers is just a part of him. Good luck.

Last edited by neilson_wheels on 09 Apr 2014, 11:56 am, edited 6 times in total.

I second Neilson.

I also agree--it's not an aspect of his situation that you need to deal with.

And don't kid yourself: knowing won't make it any easier for you or him.

I don't like to think of myself as rigid in my thinking, but in certain ways I am. Knowing this doesn't change it or make me the least degree more flexible in the places where I am not.

I have similar issue with my mom, who now lives with me, and she has almost no short term memory. We have discussed my autism and my son's many times, and because of her memory, every time is the first time for her. She always concludes that she is probably also on the spectrum (a view shared by my very NT uncle.) But this doesn't make her less rigid when she is facing change due to her declining faculties.

It's just tough, difficult and painful all around. I wish you the best, it's no easy road.

Shooting from the hip here, but I would guess if dementia is setting in, Asperger's would be one of those problems down on the list. I wasn't exactly the happiest camper when I figured out there was something truly 'different' about me, and having to deal with two issues (finding out about AS and moving) at one time could be pretty hard. I take it you aren't talking about the dementia thing with him.

Borrowing from Dale Carnegie, I would think you would have to come up with a list of things that would be beneficial to him in 1) retiring and 2) moving, and it won't be easy. Maybe you need to break it into smaller pieces, like get him to retire first, then moving. My parents moved into a town house after they retired.

Thank you all so much for your wisdom. I really appreciate your advice!