Kid: "Sometimes I wish my brother wasn't autistic"

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It was one of those comments a kid makes where you know you really have a chance to help them and can make it a giant learning moment...but I'll admit, when it came I hadn't the faintest idea what to say. I think I stammered something out about it was okay to feel that way (because don't want to devalue his feelings, particularly since it's the first time he's ever shared anything like this with me), but his brother was born autistic and it was part of who he was...but really, on the whole I failed to make it quite the moment it could have been and the kid probably needs (his brother was just diagnosed, we're talking a matter of weeks ago). The big brother is 11, the little brother (who's autistic) is 5.

If this or some variation of this comes up again (and it probably will) - what should I say? Any ideas?

I'd just let him talk and listen to him. It's okay for the kid to have those feelings. Having a disabled sibling can be tough because of how much attention the disabled kid is getting, compared to you, and you feel left out. Sometimes you have to be the "older sister/brother" even if you're younger, and help your sibling, and people forget you need help, too.

Certainly having a disabled sibling has benefits, too, since you get early experience with what disability is and how it fits into the world; you're less awkward around disabled people later on.

But still--it's not like it's a picnic, when one sibling seems to take up so much more time than you get. You feel overlooked sometimes. Sometimes you even have to give things up because your sibling needs something--like, you can't go to summer camp because your sibling's doctor bills took up so much money. Those are legit complaints. It's not the fault of the disabled sibling; it's usually not even the fault of the parents, who are doing their best. A lot of the time you can put it down to a society that thinks disability is hugely important, horrifying, and distances your family from everybody else just because you have a disabled family member. When there's discrimination against disabled people, the family members get hit with some of it, too. It distances them from the rest of the world.

If a child came to me and said something like that, I think I would try to figure out why they were saying things like that. Maybe their autistic sibling is picking on them (hey, let's face it, we weren't always angels). Maybe there's (real or perceived) unfairness in the way they're being treated. Whatever it is, it helps to talk about it, to define the problem and solve it instead of just getting angry at a sibling who, generally, hasn't even done anything to cause the problem in the first place. If the child comes to believe that the problem is "my sibling has autism" instead of, for example, "My parents spent so much time with my sister that they couldn't help me with my school project," then they start to hate autism, and that can't end well.

Well what can you say, it would be hard enough to respond to an adult let alone a kid at that age.

I mean his brother is who he is, if he didn have autism he would be someone else. Obviously nobody wants to be handicapped, But i just think he should be happy for who and what his brother is.

I mean as an only child well semi only child, i have a brother on my fathers side, but no someone ive ever talked to, seen or know.

There are definitely times i wish. i think, that i had a brother.

I mean i dont know how badly autistic his brother is. But he should definitely look on the good his brother has and contributes.

I mean if i wasnt autistic well i wouldn be me, well i would be and look like me, but i would be someone else. I even wish i didn have it, but yeah how does one say that to a child that age. i dont know. not so good with all the emotional stuff and putting it into words.

But i can definitely understand him. i just think he should value his brother, it doesnt matter that he is autistic, he should see him for what he is, and the good in him.

Ditto. Outright ask him what makes him wish his brother wasn't autistic.

Start by asking him why. What would be different if his brother wasn't autistic? Then commiserate with what he says, "Yeah, I'll bet it can be embarrassing when your brother has a meltdown at the store," or, "I'm sure it's annoying when he won't let you touch his toys," then ask what he likes about his brother, let him find out for himself that his brother has good qualities that he wouldn't have if he were NT. He's still young, he'll come around eventually.

Part of my problem is, I too am a sibling. I grew up with all of this. And yet, I completely cannot relate. I never saw my sister as being autistic, even though I knew she had autism. As a result, I don't ever remember wishing she didn't have autism. And I didn't tease her or make fun of her, either (well, a low amount of teasing - I'm sure I did some, but I don't remember any...I was definitely in a protector role), nor did I resent her. So even though I grew up in the same situation, I don't know what to tell him.

The autistic sibling is definitely not picking on him - actually, it's the other way around. I use the sticker system with the kids and it's gotten to the point where if the older child doesn't make fun of or tease his little brother the whole day (and sometimes the whole day he spends with me is only a mere 10 minutes, but he wasn't even making it that long), he gets a sticker. I hate resorting to this, but it was the best thing I could think of (and it's working). During my interview, I asked him if he likes his little brother. He say "Let me put it this way...not really." He's continued to repeat that sentiment over and over. I have mentioned it to his parents on several occasions and they assure me over and over that he likes his brother, but that's not what he himself is saying nor what he's acting like. Big brother was strongly chastised for 'giving the nanny the wrong impression' after I told them this...but nothing was changing in big brother's attitude (perhaps because that's how he truly feels?), which is when I resorted to the sticker system. I was also told by parents, explaining his behavior, that you can't blame the big brother because he puts up with a lot. (Again, this is where having grown up in the same situation was a detriment, because I grew up with the same thing...and I did not have that reaction.)

The older sibling (note, mind you, that I'm not calling him neurotypical - the kid is super obviously AS, but his parents were in denial even about his younger brother, who has very classic obvious autism symptoms, and won't hear it about big brother as well) gets a lot of time and special attention. Actually, the kids are kept separate for the most part. In part, so I can give little brother more individualized attention (I work with him a lot on speech). In part, though, I think they always have been. Little brother didn't go to big brother's birthday. I'm told little brother doesn't go on trips with the family. Little brother isn't allowed at grandparent's house (the people who are caring for big brother most of the time while I'm with little brother, and they spoil him and care for him as grandparent's do, so it's not lack of attention) because they're older and can't manage him. In short, big brother gets a lot of positive individual attention. I'm actually more concerned about little brother in that regard.

Last edited by BigSister on 06 Feb 2014, 10:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I actually think I did ask him why he didn't want his brother to be autistic, now you guys mention it, and he said "Because then he'd be regular" and when I asked for more he said "do regular things" and he might have said "be a regular brother" but I'm less certain about that one (this was two days ago). And then I flubbed and didn't follow up and the conversation changed to him complaining about math class or something.

I do know he finds his brother embarrassing - he's said as much. I'm not sure if that's an innate feeling or a learned behavior (parents do, too), or a bit of both. I don't know what to do about that, either (again, I can't really relate).

Would his parents consider counseling for him? It's not good for them to just let these feelings sit there unaddressed. It sounds like they have problems accepting the need for mental health help in general.

Of course he does. It is entirely normal opinion to have. He does not need life advice about this. He does not need counseling. His feeling is not wrong.

Sometimes I wish my father wasn't a f*****g basket case. It isn't that I demand he be a person that he is not. Or that I do not accept him as he is. He is my father. These feelings are complicated. For all of us.

Last edited by MrStewart on 06 Feb 2014, 11:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

StarTrekker, either way I don't think that'd go over well...like I said, every time I or he says he doesn't like his brother, it's immediately shot down - this feeling is not allowed to exist. Even if I said it was autism, I still don't think it would go well. I think I've made too many suggestions and they're not going over well...

My cousin (who not my sibling but we are the same age and raised together) has expressed the same thing about me. I dont have any trouble understanding this. He's always been ultra loyal and helpful to me, but it would be a more desirable situation if I was a regular kid like him. We would both like that.



Now that is different. No one in my family has felt embarrassed by me. That is a problem.

Yes, I agree this is important distinction to make. Expressing a sometimes wishful desire for the factual situation to be other than it is, is different than, be ashamed and embarrassed about the situation. Yes.

From reading initial post, I don't think the boy as described would fall in to the second category (my assumption), here. Thus the reason I don't think this is a problem.

MrStewart, I don't quite understand what you mean. Are your two categories 1) wishing a factual situation to be different and 2) being ashamed and embarrassed about the situation? Because from his explicit statements, he belongs to both.

Its hard to answer, because from your post I did not get the context. Was it in the meaning of "I wish my brother had no autism.", as I´d wish my sister not to have asthma, in the meaning: "I see that you suffer from it, and because I like you, I wished, you would not need to suffer?" Or in the meaning of "I wished my brother had no autism, because he needs so much extra-ressources because of it, I must care for so much stuff .... it annoys me."

For the first possibiity I see nothing bad in it. For the second possibility, I´d simply tell him, that some things in life are like the weather: Having nice days all the time was really cool, but just as often you have bad weather as well. And because of us not having much influence about it, we normally dont bother much about it, but accept it the way it is, and try to get the best out of it.

Its understandable, that he might be sad, when he might compare himself to other classmates of him. Vacations and holidays that they might do, might be not able to do for him, becaus of his brother and so on. There is nothing to blame about, if he feels a bit sad about that. But make him aware, that just like the weather, there is noone to blame about it.

There's your jumping off point for the source of his feelings. You said in another post that little brother doesn't go to his birthday parties, on family trips or to their grandparents house. He might be missing the family togetherness that would happen if his brother wasn't autistic. From your description it sounds like they are having parallel but separate childhoods. Perhaps he sees his friends doing things with their siblings and wishes he could have that too. The friends who are doing things with their siblings are probably complaining about it but those complaints get chalked up to ordinary sibling rivalry and don't get pathologized as a feeling they shouldn't have.

That's just a guess as to the source of his feeling. You might get more if you prodded further. Or maybe not. But I think his parents are making a mistake in trying to deny him this feeling. It just pathologizes it and it will fester.

I think Callista is describing the right approach. There is some specific gripe under the generalized "wish he didn't have autism" feeling and finding what that is and bringing it into the open is a good thing. Even if you were in the exact same situation as a child and didn't have the same gripes, that doesn't mean he won't.

Remembers me of my childhood with a brother with LFA.
My mother always pressurized me to "grow up" (until I was diagnosed with ADD at 6) and take care of my brother after her and my father would have been gone.
My father has never pressurized me and I think this is part of the reason why I get along better with him.
Really, if people had been able to see my ADD as more than just being "daydreamy and lazy" and didn't focus all their attention on my brother's autism maybe now I wouldn't have all these gender identity problems that are really upsetting me ever since I hit puberty as these problems maybe would have been taken seroiusly, not just as silly stuff that happens to tomboys.
Not to mention that my mother used to went on about how my brother was intelligent and was able to speak perfectly by the age of 2 (before he regressed), how he learned to walk in time and learned to ride a bike on his own when he was 5, and then she talked about my speech issues when I was a child and my motor skills delay. It made me think stuff like "I should be the disabled one because my brother could do something with his life" or stuff like that.
Now I don't think that anymore but I didn't become any more mature or people-pleasing. I have actually become immature and oppositional.