New apsie questions: Is this wrong?

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This has been bothering me for months now, I don't have an official diagnosis, (I want one,) but I'm sure I have Aspergers, and my question, as paraphrased as I can get it, is is it wrong to let go, even a little. Long story short I was a good kid because I was raised in a strict environment where nothing less than nearly perfect behavior was required, (it's calmed down quite a bit now,) I was a picture perfect obedient little child on the outside, but on the inside everyday I struggled to not freak if someone touched me, to always say the "right" thing and I never really got to be myself, even around my family and a long list I wont even try to mention, and in the later years I taught myself out of habit to completely control my anger and never let any show. Now I'm 14 and as I said I've figured out I've got Aspergers, and my thoughts are that I can start to be myself a little more, if I just need to be alone I can without anyone telling me I can't, but now I'm afraid to because over the past year I've been starting to be more, analytical is the only be I can say it when I interact with others because that's what feels natural to me, (if it helps put things in perspective at all my sister calls me Spock a lot.) One day we were just talking and my sister just said out of the blue that I didn't used to be that way, as in being so logical, and now I'm afraid if I be myself people will call me out as a fraud, an attention seeker and this is one of my worst fears currently, to stay the same and be miserable, or to change and be called out as a fake, so my question to you is weather it's OK to change after you've been something for all your life and hated it. Thanks in advance and sorry if it sounds soap opera-ish but I spent that last 40 min writing this post over 3 times and I'm tired so if it sounds a bit dramatic at points it's because I just finished a Teen Titans marathon and it may not have rubbed of yet but thanks again for all the reply's.

I say the sooner the better cause its likely to happen eventually anyways, and when it does,
you will say to yourself "I wish I had started this earlier".
Lots of kids our age range do major makeovers anyways.
Sure stuff might be said at first. I think thats unavoidable. Cant be worse then being called Spock tho, riiight?

I can relate to that. I don't feel comfortable being myself, being raised in a very strict fundamentalist Christian family where moral perfection seemed to be the expectation. My solution was to have a double life. I would be perfect in public but do drugs, criminal activities, and other anti-social stuff in private with my friends. Keeping my true self a secret has been a source of shame, self-hatred, and isolation. There is no feeling of belonging if people only accept you for a false image you portray. There is not self-acceptance if you don't have the courage to be yourself around somebody, consequences be damned.

I made a decision a few years ago that I would no longer put on an act. I would try to be the same person everywhere I went, no matter what. I would let people see the real me. My experience is that I feel better being myself but other people might not like it. I have to be willing to accept that.

People call me a fraud and attention seeker sometimes, and it hurts. They have some positive labels too.

I agree with Ezra, you have to be yourself, and you can't pretend 100% for people forever. And the process of finding acceptance for who you are isn't smooth when you're different but the alternative is worse.

Psychologists say there are basically two signs of a healthy individual: 1) That the person is "ego-syntonic," which mean that the person is who he is. 2) That the person can function happily in the world.

What you were doing up until now was developing social skills to get along in the NT world, and that's a good thing.

However, you did it so much that you were never yourself, and that's a bad thing.

A person who lacks one of these traits with either 1) Become depressed and have a breakdown, or 2) Become a perpetual misfit and outsider.

So you need to find a balance - to be yourself, and also to behave appropriately in the NT world. I would suggest you find someone who can help you do that. A counselor would be a healthy idea. Talk to your parents and siblings about it.

I was diagnosed as a savant at age 4 by the head teacher of the first school I attended, but because I used to have melt downs into near death comas to visit my Grampa and his wife in heaven when I was bored, the head teacher had to lock me away in storeroom so my melt-downs wouldn't disrupt the curriculum of the rest of the school. On one occasion I was declared dead by one of the local GPs who was called to attend me and I became known in the village as the boy that could die and go to heaven but come back to life after visiting my Grampa and his wife.

At the age of 5, I was diagnosed as having childhood autism by a doctor that was called out to attend to me as I had a melt down into near death coma to go visit my Grampa and his wife when my parents took me for a seaside holiday and they told me we would not be returning home for a fortnight. He too declared me dead, and I came back to life. Therefore at school, age 6, my diagnosis was changed to autistic child savant.

At age 7, I was diagnosed as suffering from witchcraft by the head teacher on my first day at Junior School and he reminded the rest of the that the Bible says Thou Shalt Not Suffer A Witch To Live, so they spent the first week of term trying to kill me, but each time they tried I melted down into near death coma and went to visit my Grampa and his wife in heaven until the rest of the school left me for dead in the playground and gone back into the school building, when I would return to my body and bring it back to life.

I got so pissed off with this that I tried to kill myself four times on the Friday evening after school, and though I was unsuccessful, I ended up in a 48 hour near death coma shut in an industrial cold store because my Grampa and his wife took me for an interview with God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit, the Grim Reaper, Gaia, Zeus, Hermes, the boy King David, the roman Emperor Hadrian, and the disciple Saint Thomas to decide on a strategy for my education in the home / church rather than at the Junior School; and that was implemented the day after, by my parents informing the local education authority that they were withdrawing me from the state education system for the remainder of my primary level education.

At the end of my primary level education, I was signed up to a couple of articled pupillages at Grammar School, for four years, to qualify professionally at 15 to leave the country and work abroad where I wouldn't be known, but, because I had to catch the same bus to the Grammar School as my former peers for the Junior School, they resumed their campaign to kill me because the Bible says Thou Shalt Not Suffer A Witch To Live, and I resumed my visits to heaven to be with my Grampa and his wife until my assailants left me for dead when they realised from my lack of a pulse that I had escaped them again. That happened every morning for the whole of the first year I was at Grammar School, and ended as my parents bought a house by the Grammar School so I didn't need to catch the bus any longer.

My association with deities in heaven resulted in my being taught various forms of meditation whereby I was able to call upon God the Holy Spirit to come to my aid here on earth and afford me the gifts of healing, prophecy and speaking in tongues whenever I asked for them, and, unfortunately, the church and my extended family exploited this on Sundays to attract converts to their denomination and funds to their mission coffers, and this had begun before I negotiated my educational future, but the intensity of this exploitation began to increase while I was completing my Primary level education, as I was paraded around all the churches, chapels, mission halls and other assembly rooms of the region, which raised my profile and attracted considerable notoriety which inflamed the allegation that I was a witch and very likely caused the problems I had at Junior School. But I was so grateful that I was withdrawn from the state education system for the remainder of the Primary level education that I showed my appreciation by doing as I was asked by the church and my extended family, as they were paying for me to have a private tutor at home and at church, so I thought that the deities approved that exploitation. However, I began to secretly challenge this assumption in secret, when I began attending the Grammar School, and by the age of fifteen I had turned into an out-and-out rebel against the church and my extended family and did everything in my power to defy the exploitation, so the income they derived from my exploits began petering out and my rebelliousness was countered by them becoming very resentful towards this aspect of me. And everything started falling apart. I deliberately stuffed exams so that I wouldn't be awarded the external university degrees I was lined up for, but was awarded the professional qualification nevertheless, so I figured that the deities wanted me to have that for a reason that was different to what the church and my extended family wanted them, so, when I was in hospital for observation after being attacked for the final time by my former peers at Junior School, and being left for dead with a skull fracture by them, I prayed to lose my life mentally by having my memory wiped clean, so the deities could write on it whatever they wished me to do - which they did, but in hieroglyphics I could not understand, so I threw myself on their mercy, to do with me whatever they desired of me; and that was the manner in which I lived my life thereafter, and still live my life.
In the course of my recovery from the head injury, I was diagnosed as having autistic psychopathy, which was the label Hans Asperger used about the four Little Professors that were the subject of his seminal paper in memorium of which it was named Asperger's Syndrome in the United Nations World Health Organisation International Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problem. However, I self-induced another suite of amnesias the day my one and only child was born when I was age 38, because I didn't feel in any way prepared to be a parent, so I knew nothing of being diagnosed with savant syndrome, childhood autism, autistic child savant, or autistic psychopath, until I had a severe nervous breakdown at age 49 in my office at work on official secrets matters, and therefore had the services of a private consultant clinical psychiatrist who probed back beyond that suite of amnesias all the way to my infancy, using hypnotic regression analysis and therapy to get me back to work as soon as possible. Nobody prior to him had told me anything medical about autism and aspergers syndrome, so his telling me manifested as an enormous uplifting that explained all of the idiosyncrasies that I was aware I had experienced since my one and only child had been born; and not only did he tell me about them, and taught me to exploit aspects of them to enable me to perform my duties at work better, without telling anyone how I did it, with the result that I was promoted three grades each one year after another, until I was the highest graded principal engineer in the office where I worked, and was nicknamed the Wordsmith and the Walking Encyclopaedia. Because I was involved in official secrets act work when all this happened, I had to keep it an official secret, so no-one in the office knew I had it, nor at home, as I never talked about my work to my wife and child, or to any other members of my nuclear and extended families. I continued to honour it as an official secret until I retired some fifteen years later, because I was extremely paranoid about all the official secrets I knew, and what I had been told about the risk it might place my family in if I did reveal I was engaged in officially secret projects, so I didn't even tell my family General Practitioner that I had been diagnosed with the condition. However, last year I threw caution to the winds, and wrote an autobiographic narrative of my life of autism and aspergers syndrome, and published it in the Amazon Prime Kindle Select eBook Store and Lending Library.

So, whilst I can understand Ashley's trepidation, I have to admit that I am happier having 'come out of the closet', so to speak, but my wife and child think I am making it all up, and I suspect, so does our family General Practitioner. My two brothers on the other hand are not so reticent, as they can remember bizarre elements of childhood and teens, that 'coming out of the closet' seems a perfectly valid explanation for.

My advice to you Ashley is to undertake the RAADS-R test and the RDOS quiz you can find on the internet, at http://aspietests.org/raads/index.php and http://www.rdos.net/eng/ so you have some pieces of paper to wave in the faces of your critics if and when you need to.

PS It's worth remembering that the UN WHO ICD defines aspergers syndrome as a serious mental disease - which means you might be considered as mad as the killer Adam Lanza [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sandy_Hook_Elementary_School_shooting] and / or the pentagon hacker Gary McKinnon [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary_McKinnon] and /or me [https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00HKN1K2M] if you try to press your case

I was diagnosed as a savant at age 4 by the head teacher of the first school I attended, but because I used to have melt downs into near death comas to visit my Grampa and his wife in heaven when I was bored, the head teacher had to lock me away in storeroom so my melt-downs wouldn't disrupt the curriculum of the rest of the school. On one occasion I was declared dead by one of the local GPs who was called to attend me and I became known in the village as the boy that could die and go to heaven but come back to life after visiting my Grampa and his wife.

At the age of 5, I was diagnosed as having childhood autism by a doctor that was called out to attend to me as I had a melt down into near death coma to go visit my Grampa and his wife when my parents took me for a seaside holiday and they told me we would not be returning home for a fortnight. He too declared me dead, and I came back to life. Therefore at school, age 6, my diagnosis was changed to autistic child savant.

At age 7, I was diagnosed as suffering from witchcraft by the head teacher on my first day at Junior School and he reminded the rest of the that the Bible says Thou Shalt Not Suffer A Witch To Live, so they spent the first week of term trying to kill me, but each time they tried I melted down into near death coma and went to visit my Grampa and his wife in heaven until the rest of the school left me for dead in the playground and gone back into the school building, when I would return to my body and bring it back to life.

I got so pissed off with this that I tried to kill myself four times on the Friday evening after school, and though I was unsuccessful, I ended up in a 48 hour near death coma shut in an industrial cold store because my Grampa and his wife took me for an interview with God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit, the Grim Reaper, Gaia, Zeus, Hermes, the boy King David, the roman Emperor Hadrian, and the disciple Saint Thomas to decide on a strategy for my education in the home / church rather than at the Junior School; and that was implemented the day after, by my parents informing the local education authority that they were withdrawing me from the state education system for the remainder of my primary level education.

At the end of my primary level education, I was signed up to a couple of articled pupillages at Grammar School, for four years, to qualify professionally at 15 to leave the country and work abroad where I wouldn't be known, but, because I had to catch the same bus to the Grammar School as my former peers for the Junior School, they resumed their campaign to kill me because the Bible says Thou Shalt Not Suffer A Witch To Live, and I resumed my visits to heaven to be with my Grampa and his wife until my assailants left me for dead when they realised from my lack of a pulse that I had escaped them again. That happened every morning for the whole of the first year I was at Grammar School, and ended as my parents bought a house by the Grammar School so I didn't need to catch the bus any longer.

My association with deities in heaven resulted in my being taught various forms of meditation whereby I was able to call upon God the Holy Spirit to come to my aid here on earth and afford me the gifts of healing, prophecy and speaking in tongues whenever I asked for them, and, unfortunately, the church and my extended family exploited this on Sundays to attract converts to their denomination and funds to their mission coffers, and this had begun before I negotiated my educational future, but the intensity of this exploitation began to increase while I was completing my Primary level education, as I was paraded around all the churches, chapels, mission halls and other assembly rooms of the region, which raised my profile and attracted considerable notoriety which inflamed the allegation that I was a witch and very likely caused the problems I had at Junior School. But I was so grateful that I was withdrawn from the state education system for the remainder of the Primary level education that I showed my appreciation by doing as I was asked by the church and my extended family, as they were paying for me to have a private tutor at home and at church, so I thought that the deities approved that exploitation. However, I began to secretly challenge this assumption in secret, when I began attending the Grammar School, and by the age of fifteen I had turned into an out-and-out rebel against the church and my extended family and did everything in my power to defy the exploitation, so the income they derived from my exploits began petering out and my rebelliousness was countered by them becoming very resentful towards this aspect of me. And everything started falling apart. I deliberately stuffed exams so that I wouldn't be awarded the external university degrees I was lined up for, but was awarded the professional qualification nevertheless, so I figured that the deities wanted me to have that for a reason that was different to what the church and my extended family wanted them, so, when I was in hospital for observation after being attacked for the final time by my former peers at Junior School, and being left for dead with a skull fracture by them, I prayed to lose my life mentally by having my memory wiped clean, so the deities could write on it whatever they wished me to do - which they did, but in hieroglyphics I could not understand, so I threw myself on their mercy, to do with me whatever they desired of me; and that was the manner in which I lived my life thereafter, and still live my life.
In the course of my recovery from the head injury, I was diagnosed as having autistic psychopathy, which was the label Hans Asperger used about the four Little Professors that were the subject of his seminal paper in memorium of which it was named Asperger's Syndrome in the United Nations World Health Organisation International Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problem. However, I self-induced another suite of amnesias the day my one and only child was born when I was age 38, because I didn't feel in any way prepared to be a parent, so I knew nothing of being diagnosed with savant syndrome, childhood autism, autistic child savant, or autistic psychopath, until I had a severe nervous breakdown at age 49 in my office at work on official secrets matters, and therefore had the services of a private consultant clinical psychiatrist who probed back beyond that suite of amnesias all the way to my infancy, using hypnotic regression analysis and therapy to get me back to work as soon as possible. Nobody prior to him had told me anything medical about autism and aspergers syndrome, so his telling me manifested as an enormous uplifting that explained all of the idiosyncrasies that I was aware I had experienced since my one and only child had been born; and not only did he tell me about them, and taught me to exploit aspects of them to enable me to perform my duties at work better, without telling anyone how I did it, with the result that I was promoted three grades each one year after another, until I was the highest graded principal engineer in the office where I worked, and was nicknamed the Wordsmith and the Walking Encyclopaedia. Because I was involved in official secrets act work when all this happened, I had to keep it an official secret, so no-one in the office knew I had it, nor at home, as I never talked about my work to my wife and child, or to any other members of my nuclear and extended families. I continued to honour it as an official secret until I retired some fifteen years later, because I was extremely paranoid about all the official secrets I knew, and what I had been told about the risk it might place my family in if I did reveal I was engaged in officially secret projects, so I didn't even tell my family General Practitioner that I had been diagnosed with the condition. However, last year I threw caution to the winds, and wrote an autobiographic narrative of my life of autism and aspergers syndrome, and published it in the Amazon Prime Kindle Select eBook Store and Lending Library.

So, whilst I can understand Ashley's trepidation, I have to admit that I am happier having 'come out of the closet', so to speak, but my wife and child think I am making it all up, and I suspect, so does our family General Practitioner. My two brothers on the other hand are not so reticent, as they can remember bizarre elements of childhood and teens, that 'coming out of the closet' seems a perfectly valid explanation for.

My advice to you Ashley is to undertake the RAADS-R test and the RDOS quiz you can find on the internet, at http://aspietests.org/raads/index.php and http://www.rdos.net/eng/ so you have some pieces of paper to wave in the faces of your critics if and when you need to.

Next time you see the Holy Trinity, give 'em a shout-out for me, willya?