I am stuck in a rut at home

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There are so many things wrong with me, I wish I can re-live my life all over again from infancy on. I don't feel like my relationships, with my family, are any good because they say I complain too much. I can't help being angry over obsessions that I have. I need to go at this improvement alone. I'm angry and depressed too. I have no social skills that much, I don't get out of the house very often, I just wish I could be disciplined and willing in my daily life, but I can't. Even my psychologist can't comprehend what I mean by "I can't do it". I wish I could be a totally different personality. I have no job, no money, no skills, and I'm stuck at home surfing the internet all day. I have a very slow-functioning brain and it has no capacity. I'm literally stuck in my own world. To illustrate an example, imagine having no concept of subjects outside your own house. I have very low vocabulary. I am very sedentary and perfectionist, so I can't get started on anything.

It makes me totally sick of my own life. I also get distracted about the future. Problem is, why should I stop worrying about the future.

If only I can magically improve upon myself.

What is a first step I need to take? I don't know what to work on first?

I'm also lazy because I have nothing I need to do every single day. I have a meeting twice a week, but otherwise I'm stuck at home. How can I make my life more active?

I'm also very embarrassed when I have to go out because I speak very slowly and deeply, and I can't find a way around it. I absolutely hate my life. Sometimes, I feel like I am totally useless and out of hope. If only I taken the opportunity to improve myself when I was still younger. I'm 22 now.

I'm in a similar situation to you, though it's not nearly as bad. I don't feel depressed, I just feel nothing, sort of an emptiness due to having nothing going on at all. I've made similar threads to this one before, and the most recent one is [this one]. I'm not sure if it relates to you or not, but other members have posted some suggestions concerning motivation/effort.

This may be completely incorrect but I'd say it's possible that your brain is not slow-functioning, rather you have too many things that you're worrying about and so that is the illusion given off. Being a perfectionist sucks, being sedentary sucks and being depressed/angry sucks. Sucks may be the wrong word to describe each, but the atmospheric presence of that word in my mind feels right.

If you haven't been able to do anything by yourself so far, I don't know what the first step you should take is as I wouldn't even know for myself. All I can do is recommend seeking help from your psychologist, seeing as supporting you is essentially their job considering you are their client. If your psychologist is decent, they may be able to get you on track and/or refer you to another professional.

I wish I had more I could say, but I don't. I figured posting something would be better than nothing at all.

_________________
Unapologetically, Norny.
-chronically drunk

I was in a similar rut for a while, going insane living in my father's basement with my half-brother crying his lungs out 24/7, while my stepmother maintained a draconian grip over the household. I had dropped out of high school partly due to a severe handwashing/cleanliness obsession I had developed, and I spent long periods of time hiding in my room not only to avoid the people around me who I hated and hated more by the day, but also to avoid spreading my "contamination". I had attempted to finish my high school education through correspondence courses on multiple occasions, none of which succeeded, and I also attempted to go on social assistance since I wasn't functioning and I was tired of begging my dad for money to buy things, mainly pop, junk food, and occasionally booze.

I had decided after nearly two years of this that I had enough, and that I needed to go back to my hometown. Somehow, my stepmother agreed to drive me there, and I spent the month of December, 2013, reconnecting with old friends and family, goofing around, drinking, and just plain enjoying myself. I had gone on the premise that I was going to look for a job and a place to stay, but I never actually anticipated that that was going to happen.

One day, shortly after New Year's Day, 2014, I had stopped at my friend's house, tagging along with another one of my friends, when the friend at the house (let's call him "Bob") wanted the friend I was with (let's call him "Steve") to pick up some orange juice. When I stopped there, Bob's family were all in the living room just laughing, socializing, and enjoying themselves. I said hi to them, as I hadn't seen any of them in a long time, and when Bob's mother was wondering what I was doing there, I explained my situation. Right on the spot, she offered me a chance to live in a room in her basement. I was floored. I immediately took her up on the offer, and shortly afterwards, I received a call back from the grocery store my grandparents had suggested I apply to. As luck would have it, I got the job, and once I knew I had a job and a place to stay back in my home town, I went back to my father's place in the other town, packed my stuff, tied up my loose ends, and moved to where I currently am now.

It felt great, getting away from my father, my stepmother, my stepsiblings, and my half-brother. I was finally able to function again somewhat, and I quickly learned that being a part of the workforce isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I'm paying a cheap rent, I'm closer to my friends than I've been in ages, I actually have money to spend on stuff, and most of all, I don't have to deal with anyone I don't like for any prolonged period of time. I still have issues, but in many ways I feel better now than I've been in years. The lesson I learned, is that when something is bringing you down, one of the best things you can do is put a distance between that thing and yourself.

I am also in a similar situation at the moment, ever since I had to leave university I lost all confidence so I am also in a rut at home surfing the internet, I am planning to go back to a psychologist, I think I probably have depression but I am not sure.

I've lost my ability to focus on anything (outside of my own brain) for more than 30 seconds at a time. A lot of people in this thread mention aimlessly surfing the internet, and I agree – it's one of the few things that you can do, if you're feeling scattered and unfocused.

But I'm trying to push myself, by watching TV shows for 10 minutes at a time (which is really hard for me, stupid as it sounds!) I hope that if I can develop a longer attention span, I'll be able to enjoy more things in life, and maybe not be stuck inside my own head quite so much.

I think the first thing to tackle is the depression. When I'm depressed I get very obsessive, angry and I end up monologing about all of the things bothering me which comes across as complaining. I have a hard time getting anything done normally but when I'm depressed its nearly impossible. I'm like a completely different person when depressed. Depression is probably making all of the problems you listed much worse. If you're not trying medication for depression you should consider it. If you're on medication you should consider trying something else. If your psychologist isn't understanding your problems or if they're not helping you with depression you should look for a different psychologist.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Beating yourself up for having a hard time doing things isn't going to help. You have to understand that right now, while you're depressed you can't expect yourself to be able to function like everyone else. Whenever you get something done, even if it's something like doing laundry or taking a shower it's an achievement.

Your family thinks you're complaining but what you're really doing is trying to cope. Everyone I know that's been depressed has people withdraw from them. A lot of people do not understand what it's like to have depression or problems with daily functioning so try not to take their reactions to you to heart. They simply cannot understand what you're going through and they have no right to judge you.

Another thing that might be worth trying is keeping a journal. If you're having a hard time explaining things to your psychologist this might help. Everytime you have trouble doing something write down everything about the occurrence. If you can figure out what the root of the problem is ( for me it's terrible executive functioning ) you will be closer to coming up with possible solutions.

One thing that happens to me is I get set in dysfunctional routines. Like if I spend all day everyday on the Internet I find it impossible to suddenly change and start doing anything else. I usually need help from someone else and slow gradual changes to fix this. I also need fixed routines for doing things like cleaning the kitchen or I get so overwhelmed I end up having a meltdown. I find it nearly impossible to start on tasks I don't have an established routine for. The easiset way I've managed to break dysfunctional daily routines is to completely relocate or go somewhere else for a while and "start over" though this wouldn't work or isn't possible for most people.

If you want to talk about this more you can PM me. I have a lot of similar problems I think and maybe I can help.