Are You Like This? :(

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Hi guys,

To start things off I had a terrible day. Yay for fancy irrelevant facts as openers to posts!
(No hidden messages, just bored, tired and excited at the same time)

What I really want to do is ask you something based on the following example point, and it works somewhat like a collapsing computer system - [+ = main point], [- = sub point of the main point]:
(HARDCORE EFFECTS, DAYUM!)^^

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+ I can't seem to sustain the motivation for anything when it comes to improving my life, due to the enormous amount of potential steps presenting as some kind of black and white thinking.

- If I want to be more physically attractive, my motivation is crushed as to do so I need to diet, exercise, whiten my teeth, shower regularly, brush teeth and floss regularly, reschedule my sleeping patterns, avoid being seen exercising, avoid my interests, avoid talking on Skype to my friends, avoid posting on WrongPlanet, wear shorts etc.

- If I want to attempt to socialize more and feel less paranoid about myself especially in those situations, I have to shower/prepare myself for over an hour, ensure that I don't smell, ensure that I don't feel sticky/slimy, ensure that my clothes look decent on me (don't show off any fat), ensure that my clothes feel decent on me, unless I'm socializing with either of my 2 best friends I have to fake 90% of my enjoyment etc.

- I can't really maintain casual friendships. I have to try and be incredibly close to 1-2 people, and it bothers me if those 2 people are closer to each other than to me. I just want the perfect friendship, but I cannot get close to it ever. When I think I am close I 'die off' after a few months and my actual boring, repetitive self shows and my friend loses interest, which is quite painful. Oftentimes I will end up shutting off the successful friendship because it feels insufficient.

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I'm not sure whether or not that ties into my perfectionistic nature or if it's something else, but it's incredibly annoying. My motivation permanently gets crushed by the amount of things I have to do/fix in order to be rid of the majority of my paranoia/anxiety. Even with those things in check, I still have a heap of anxiety caused by other problems that at most times are unavoidable. It seems simple that I could do it step by step, but thinking/knowing that doesn't have a positive affect on my motivation, rather it has the opposite as it leads to me thinking about what's ahead. I've also heard everything along the lines of 'Start now, you will finish sooner' and it doesn't really help in the slightest, in fact it makes me mad that I have to hear the same cliche over and over.

Excessive self demands.. I don't know what to call it. Please tell me if you can relate to this, and/or explain what this is. I'm really distressed. Also as a side note the formatting of this post disgusts me, especially as there is no bolding on a sentence before the ----- lines.. it looks sloppy. I'm just trying something new for the sake of trying something new, and to see if it has any affect.

To stir the pot a little, I won't say thanks in advance, I'll say 'Cheers in advance'. That is all.

You are a perfectionist, which is typical of us Aspies I think. And I can tell you're self conscious about your appearance.

I think a good attitude is: "To hell what others may think if they see me" and begin your entire agenda by going to the gym three times a week. When you transform your body, it helps you feel better about yourself so that you will want to have nice teeth and look good and smell good. It will give you confidence. You'll find it easier to make friends. How do I know? Because that's what I did and it worked for me. Call it poor theory of mind, but I think what worked for me can work for you.

All-or-nothing thinking makes everything seem overwhelming and impossible. I think baby steps and gradual changes to your lifestyle are more effective. For example, add one little change to your routine today, and get used to that for a while, and then add another little change. And then if you keep it up, eventually your daily routine will be at the level that you want it to be.

I'm working on that myself. I'd like to be able to focus on something outside of my special interest for 8 hours a day (to see if I could ever handle a job) – and at this point I'm up to like 2 hours a day, but I'm getting there!

Yeah. And I don't think it's anxious perfectionism like you'd see in NTs who just want to get everything perfect or they feel horrible about themselves. I think it's a cognitive trait. We have trouble understanding shades of gray in between, and it's just easier to think about all, or nothing.

For example, this:

That's an example of all-or-nothing. Perhaps if you did all of those things, perfectly, you would be as physically attractive as you could possibly be (though I really don't think Skype, WrongPlanet, your interests, or shorts have anything to do with attractiveness). But here's the thing with effort:



The first bit of effort you put in has the most effect. After that, you start to get diminishing returns. So, with your physical attractiveness example, let's start with showering regularly and brushing your teeth regularly. You've only done a few things, but because the first, most simple changes have the most effect, you're already at 90% of your potential physical attractiveness--you are clean and your breath doesn't smell. The rest, all of that diet and exercise and tooth-whitening, you won't get that much out of it compared to the basic steps.

The difficult thing to do is to figure out which are the basic steps and where the inflection point in the curve of effort is--where you start to get less out of what you're doing. With a disability, you usually have limited energy and time available, more limited than NTs do; so you have to be efficient about it. Perfectionism, either the anxious sort or the sort that comes from being cognitively different, is unfortunately very inefficient.

I am self conscious about my appearance, but haven't been for my whole life. Before getting rejected one-too-many times by others I fit the typical Aspie 'lack of care for hygiene and fashion'. I still don't care about fashion, but after years of everyone around me repeatedly criticizing how I smelled and my family urging me to wear 'proper clothes' I gradually changed at least in terms of hygiene and appearance. I'm not going to go into details, so I'll give a brief insight: I went without showers for a week or weeks at times, and wore favourite old tracksuit pants with holes that I had slept in on casual clothes days at school, up until around year 9. Now I have hour long cleaning/shower procedures, straighten my hair because it looks neat, wear decent looking comfortable clothes and have them washed after every wear etc.

A problem is that I can't go to the gym because I have no spare money, and I can't afford anything that would make working out easier either. I am going to attempt to start with the help of a friend however.




This makes sense, and it's generally the approach I want to take. The problem is, there's so much I have to change at once otherwise it's going to take months before I even start making proper, significant changes. I can logically understand that it will work, but getting the motivation is just so hard, especially when my own family makes it unnecessarily difficult for me despite requests. Using diet as an example, I really love cereal, but no matter how much I beg my mum she always buys unhealthy processed cereals and full cream milk, and that is something I can't get over easily. It feels out of my control.




I definitely don't feel horrible about myself if nothing is perfect.. 'perfect' in my eyes is subjective, ever-changing and thus illogical. For me, it is 'perfection', but it also isn't because I know that perfection is unattainable. It's more a sense of feeling complete/satisfied if everything is how I think it should be. I'm not sure if this is the type of cognitive trait you're referring to or not.

In reference to the shades of grey, I can think about and understand that I don't need to have, for example, white teeth as well as being physically fit to be somewhat physically attractive. The difficulty in thought for me is mostly in obtaining what is required to achieve those things. The massive amount of steps, crushing my motivation. If I want to be physically attractive, I'm not going to allow my teeth to be yellow. I concur that it is far easier for me to think about all or nothing, and that's generally how I operate. It's hard to explain properly.

Thanks for the replies.

^ This.

Norny, when I was your age, I had just dropped out of college. I felt like I had failed. It was the lowest point in my life. I thought about ending it all, but decided that that wasn’t going to happen. So, I made a pact with myself – that I would begin taking care of myself. As no one else would do that for me.

The first thing I did is begin an exercise regimen. One step at a time. My grandfather had an ancient exercise bike, which I started to ride every other day. It became my routine. Thank goodness. As not only did it help me lose weight (I ended up losing about 40 pounds), it also significantly reduced my anxiety.

I continue to exercise to this day. I wouldn’t be able to handle the anxiety otherwise. Good luck.

Hello, Norny, I hope you are having better days.

You wrote: "A problem is that I can't go to the gym because I have no spare money, and I can't afford anything that would make working out easier either. I am going to attempt to start with the help of a friend however."

It is possible to get a gym membership at some places for as little as $10 a month. If you go to your parents and tell them why you are going to the gym, they ought to foot the bill (that is, if they care about you). If you go to a gym with a friend you can help each other. In a month or two you'll see a huge difference.

Weight lifting also helps with proprioception issues, sensory overload issues, and the increase in musculature will help with posture and help eliminate most of the awkwardness in your gait.