How to bring back my resilience without relying on labels?

Post Reply New Topic

Apologies for posting so much; I've been going through a rough time lately and need a bit of advice.

I have been feeling worse and worse lately. I am much more on the edge, much more bothered by external stimuli and people's reactions, etc. I think I know why.

I used to have a strong sense of identity (it was autistic identity) and I used to spend time with a group that bonded over this identity. That gradually made me more and more resilient to not fitting in outside of the group. Eventually, I have built up an "immunity" where I could go for weeks without spending time with that group, be confident around others despite not quite fitting in, and not experience any distress or upset.

That group seems to have broken down. I am stuck at home because I'm forcing myself to study. Academic achievement is pretty much the meaning of my life and I usually have very strong motivation and focus. However, when I tried to reach out to these people again during the little free time I had, they didn't respond. This made me even more anxious. My anxiety is always there, but I can usually keep it at bay. Right now, I feel like it is starting to hugely interfere with my life again. When I try to study, I find myself stimming constantly and being half as productive as usual. I keep obsessively reading autism retreat stuff because I want to go again SO BADLY.

I feel like that ASD label and that identity protected me. It built a cushion around me and I could just work toward my goals and block out irrelevant stuff. Now, I have been trying to fight that label because I know it's illogical to attach to something like that. But I can no longer filter things again. This morning, my anxiety was triggered by just one email (not personal, just a random service being promoted for people on the spectrum) that went against my values; I used to be waaay more resilient than this. No matter how stupid this is, I feel like I NEED to identify as autistic in order to feel okay and happy again. But people keep telling me that's wrong and I totally understand why...

How do I stop wanting my identity back? Why do I need it? It's so illogical, isn't it?

P.S. I might not respond quickly but I will be reading all of the responses.

Maybe we all feel comfortable when we attach a few labels?

We could all label ourselves as Aspies (and that's a BIG group)

We can label ourselves according to our political beliefs

We can label ourselves according to our religious beliefs

Hell, we can even attach labels if we all watch the same TV programme (and Hi to all the Trekies out there).

So, part of your identity seems to be the little group where you're a member, and suddenly they're not around at a critical time. Well, you're welcome to use us as an acceptable substitute.

P.S. try studying to music, it can help relax you and it's something of a displacement activity.

I think this is so for the vast majority of people even if some people don't realize they're doing it.





Maybe you could use WP and other internet ASD communities to fulfill that need. I know you like groups that meet in person but also I know you're super busy so at-least if you can use internet resources you don't have to worry about travel time. Maybe you could try setting a timer, making some ASD internet time everyday or every week (a limited amount of time). Try to rigidly adhere to it and not go over time. If you do this there's no need to feel guilty for not studying during that time because you're fulfilling an important personal need and I think that deserves some time devoted to it.

I don't completely understand the question, but I think that the experience of believing you know who you are helped you feel confidence and that gave you a resilience you now miss. I don't know that the label matters, so much as feeling you have an identity.

Everything bothering you is probably the increased sensory sensitivity that accompanies feeling stressed and should settle back to normal when you feel a bit more relaxed.

I think I either need a label or to belong to a large enough group that shares my core values and beliefs. When I try to stop labeling myself and when my group falls apart, that's when my grounding disappears. My question was how it's possible to not need either and still be happy... and whether it's possible to begin with.

You can also call me anytime you want if it helps you to talk to me.*Virtual Hug*

I think it's very human in general for a person to feel a greater sense of contentment and security when they find something to identify with, and consider themselves labelled as something they relate to strongly as who they are and something that helps define them, even if it's "I'm a PETA member," or "I'm very much an O'Connor" (identifying with their family), or I'm fiercely politic and [blank] is my party," or "I'm a diehard Lakers fan."

If identifying with your ASD helped you feel stronger as a person because you could quantify elements of yourself with the knowledge of that fact about yourself, then I see only an upside to returning to that mode of thought.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having that inner label in your head if it actually helped you, and if trying to unlabel has made you feel more adrift and less resilient.

.

Could it be that this is only a temporary condition, this lack of resilience?

I don't think it is possible not to identify with a group of people based on some aspect of your self. What part of your self do you identify with most right now? How can you connect to a group that shares that aspect of your self?

By the way, I am in a similar situation. My whole support group is gone. I am building anew. My identity as a recovering drug addict, addiction professional, and student is gone. So are the people I associated with based on those aspects of myself. It was a terrible transition.

Now my primary identification is as a member of my family, someone on the autism spectrum, and a recovering co-dependent. My social connections are based on this type of identification. I feel safe. I'm sure things will change in the future.

I have the same issue. I am working toward sex reassignment surgery and the self-imposed restrictions for obtaining it are very difficult to manage. And then there are all the possible consequences of failing to get it in a reasonable time...

I understand what you're saying and can relate a little. I try to turn inward with meditation, yoga, and exercise. I know it may come across as "New Age crunchy granola", but it does help center yourself.
I do take comfort in the "aspie" label, which is why I spend so much time here. I was alone and adrift for so long that it continues to feel novel.
Try to keep your stress down with what works for you, and good luck.

Yeah, I think the autism spectrum label is what defines me best and it's what is most important to me. Although it's become an interest beyond self, I have become hyperaware to other people's reactions to me and am constantly reminded that I'm different when people look at me differently, exclude me from interactions, when I cannot filter stimuli, etc. I tried not focusing on the label for a while, but this is still happening, and I realize it's a reality for me that I can't deny. Labeling myself based on other groups is barely meaningful because I tried to be part of so many groups before I knew about my diagnosis, but constantly felt inferior there and like I didn't belong. Here is why I wanted to de-identify with the label:

1) I see things from a behavioural lens, and behaviourism denies any sort of trait or diagnosis labeling. While, previously, I've always seen calling someone "person with autism" or "Autistic" equally plausible, people sometimes pick on the fact that I say "Autistic" and use both interchangeably. So why is it acceptable to call someone "Asian" but not "Autistic"? If someone identifies with it, it should be perfectly plausible to call them "Autistic". The only thing my behaviourist perspectives are clashing with is this whole identity thing.

2) I have a friend who now thinks that autism doesn't exist. I can see the rationale behind that, because there are so many behavioural constellations in people, and autism is just a somewhat arbitrary label for traits that often do not co-occur (hence the new Social Communication Disorder in the DSM-5). I've always seen autism as not actions themselves, but the manner in which people carry out these actions, and nothing to do with internal motives/personality (but can seemingly affect perceptions of personality).

Given these obstacles, some people challenge labels. So even though the autism label has been meaningful to me for years, all of this is very fuzzy and uncertain to me now, and I HATE uncertainty. I feel like, for #2, people around me are confused because we went to these groups with many "borderline" Aspies/Auties who have some traits associated with autism but not explicitly others.

I think these are good methods but somehow they just weren't something I ever gravitated toward. I enjoy structured noise and stimulation more than calmness and silence, so I somehow never had the motivation to do yoga/meditation alone. I want to try laughter yoga, it seems dynamic and a lot more suitable to my emotional inclinations. When I turn inward too much, I find I get too anxious and uncertain. Belonging to a group is very valued in my culture and somehow seems to have been ingrained in me; maybe it's even a genetic disposition. I see we all like labels.

It's not illogical. It's a basic human need, to know who you are and feel like you belong somewhere.If the autistic label helps you with that, there's nothing wrong with that.

Other people don't understand because they see autism as a 'bad label'. If you were feeling this way about being gay, people would understand it a lot more. (And I know gay people who do feel this way about their label.)

Well, firstly, behaviourism has been debunked. The current thing is cognitive psychology, which uses careful experimental design to infer internal thoughts and feelings based on observable behaviour. That and neuropsychology - we have the technology now to look at a brain at work and study what it's doing directly as it's doing it.

Autism has everything to do with internal motives and personality. Why would two people act differently if they don't think differently? Behaviour doesn't emerge all by itself - it is a direct result of internal processes. Why do I fail to recognize people? Because I pay less attention to faces. Why do I pay less attention to faces? Because my unconscious mind is not very interested in faces. And how do I know this? Because when you flash three pictures at me very fast and ask me to detect either a face or a backpack in them, I do equally well with both, while most people detect faces better than backpacks.

The label is arbitrary, in that all people are unique, and we arbitrarily choose which characteristics to use to describe 'groups' of people. We measure autism by behaviour because that's what a psychologist can observe without using fancy expensive equipment. But the behaviour of autism results from a cluster of differences in the internal working of the brain, that affect everything from reflexive orienting to higher-order cognition and emotion.

actually, there are still plenty of behaviourists around and modern behaviourism does take into account internal thoughts and feelings.

Also, perhaps autism affects the expression of personality but there is so much personality variety across people in the spectrum... Some people want to keep to themselves, some want to be social, some are extremely open to new ideas and experiences while some aren't, etc. this might be why people i know question the existence of autism. I wonder if there is a brain pattern for autism that can be used to diagnose it in the future but behavioral assessment is complicating that because it's more subjective. sorry for the brief response, I am in class now and typing from my phone.

I didn't get a chance to respond to this thread in full properly before because I was trying to get this feeling out of the way as it was interfering with the vast number of other tasks I had to complete.

I just want to thank everyone for responding to this. Realizing that having a definite identity, even if defined by a label, is okay made me feel much better. I am significantly happier and more anxiety-free today. I also appreciate the fact that some of you mentioned that you have had a identity conflicts and issues around group dependence and belonging. Perhaps this identity and group-defining instinct is really something I cannot remove no matter how hard I try and no matter how ignorant of reality it is to try to group people. No matter how much we try to counter this, ascribing certain groupings might be an evolutionary instinct that helps us navigate our environment effectively. I think perhaps some people might try to counter this instinct in order to not appear prejudiced toward people based on their group, but simply grouping people doesn't imply that some groups are superior to others.

I think you're right. I'm glad you feel better. *VIRTUAL HUGS*