What do you do when people put their hand on your shoulder?

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I am willing to bet many, many people on this forum do not like it when someone puts their hand on your shoulder when speaking to you (maybe you asked them a question, or they came over to discuss something with you, etc.)

Personally, more and more that makes me want to break their arm. But I am a nice person so I won't.

It makes me upset because it is uncomfortable, it is my personal space, and because it can be a manipulation / confidence tactic.

Since I study martial arts, I've been playing with ways to step away or gently (possibly playfully) deflect the hand from being on my shoulder.

I'm guessing I'll be told that it would be better to simply say something. But I'm not really sure what is the best.

What do you all do when this happens?

I don't do anything. I'm actually not bothered at all by personal contact. After all, I rode the subways in NYC for about 25 years. I had no choice. I made a career choice, and had to learn a few things to assimilate. Whatever resistance to it I had when I was younger, I learned to overcome it.

Now, if someone did it in anger, in a threatening way, I would say something and maybe even grab his arm and remove it. But in the normal course of things? I've learned to accept it.

I say "please don't do it again, it makes me feel very uncomfortable when people touch me out of the blue like that". If I'm paying attention to the conversation, I'm not paying attention to what goes on around me, so it's startling and disturbing when people do that.

I generally react very negatively. My wife is allowed to do it, and I actually enjoy it when she does. But that's about it.

My shoulders twitch and I pull them almost all the way up to my ears, my body kind of tensing up as if though I had tetanus. Afterwards I kind of feel like I have to physically brush off the touch from my shoulder and my stimming will usually increase for awhile. People have begun asking me wether they can touch me though or simply warning me first: "I'm going to hug you now, ok?" and that's nice. (:

I usually turn my head to stare at their hand or arm while they're talking, until they become self-conscious about having done it and remove it.

But it doesn't seem to keep them from doing it again. Those kinds of handsy people are socially clueless in their own way. I can't believe that even most NTs wouldn't find that annoying, but maybe I'm just projecting my own disgust and irritation onto everyone else.

In my experience and observation, it is usually a move of patronization, domination, or physical/sexual interest. Depending on the circumstances I either step away or just make a mental note that I should be a bit cautious of the person's intentions.

My friends and I are just not touchy with one another that way, so it rather rules out just friendliness.

unfortunately,go into fight or flight mode...its an incredible shock to the system,during fight or flight have done everything from furious ducking and diving to punching the person and going all out mental,it depends how much diazepam or halperidol have had.

I may be a little more optimistic on this point -- Although I did say that it can be a maniuplation / confidence tool (think con, conman, confidence trick, etc.) I think sometimes it is a willful gesture of goodwill.

People like you and I, and the friends we choose, do not do this to be friendly. But I know people who run in certain circles, who consider it a gesture of goodwill. I often encounter it at church where it is supposed to be a gesture of charitable love one person to another, and a sign that they are listening and that they care. Now, granted, the people who are doing this are acting like they think that everybody should be just like them. And with what limited knowledge they have of psychology, they seem to think this is a positive thing to do. And maybe they've never had it done to them for patronization/manipulation/domination, etc. (or they don't care because they're able to shrug it off.)

The sexual part may be a good point too, but I was limiting my analysis of this to things more like manipulation/patronization, and on the other side, privacy and personal space.

So far I've talked to two NTs about what they think.

One said he really didn't care, I mean, what is there to care about. So they put their hand on my shoulder. Just part of conversing with another human being.

The other said, it was weird and uncomfortable but she just tries to ignore it.

I am unable to think for a moment. I'd either freeze in place, or immediately move away (down and out) and freeze that way.

I'd likely be unable to communicate/comprehend for a moment.

I have never punched anybody but "fight or flight mode" is what I go into and shocklike is very much what I feel. Not only the shoulder but this is true if I am touched anywhere from the shoulder to neck

I actually don't like it but I'd be inclined to say nothing especially if I think the person doing it means well. I wouldn't want to start a fuss over something minor like that. By the same token, I've never had anyone put their hand on my shoulder while talking down to me. That would be too insulting and I'd have to stand up for myself.

I have had them talk down to me. It is some weird hybrid between trying to comfort you and trying to manipulate you.

Depends on how NT I am feeling/faking at the time.

When surrounded by NTs and having to fake NT. such as at the community centre when volunteering, I am usually trying to fit in and thus am in "method acting" mode and "thinking into the part", so it usually doesn't bother me too much, though it is annoying to have my personal space violated like that. I know they don't mean harm by it, but that is little comfort to me.

If I am off my guard. I can jump out of my skin; for example in another volunteering engagement I do, most people there know I have AS so they know not to do it, but very occasionally well-meaning customers do it, or similar touchy-feely actions, without thinking and though I know they mean well, I really don't like it.

NT society is too full of gratuitous physical contact; I'd think it would be hell, but of course for them it's their way.

Last edited by IKnowWhoIAmNow on 14 Feb 2014, 7:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

How I hate when people do that! People at the Factory are too touch happy, so I have had to deal with this every night. I usually tense up or try to recoil or dodge. People do not like that and always assume I have been abused as a child