Appreciation, consideration, and sharing

Post Reply New Topic

Can anyone out there explain to me why aspies have trouble showing appreciation, consideration and don't like to share? I know they're common traits of Asperger's, but they've gotten me into trouble not too long ago; I got in a big fight with my stepmom and stepsister about me not wanting to share my food. They got really pissed at me for not showing appreciation or consideration. I tried to explain to my stepsister that I'm autistic and can't really help it. My stepmom overheard and yelled "That's bull$#!+" at me and it just excalated from there. My dad tried explaining to me that the part of an aspie's brain for showing consideration and appreciation is shut off. Is that true? Let me know what you think.

being unaware/not seeing the point of the NT habit of initiating/maintaining social ties through symbolic behavioral displays



lack of theory of mind and not being bothered by things that bother other people, thereby being unaware that any sort of consideration is necessary



not sure that's a uniquely asperger's trait, but not being clued in to the ways social ties are maintained (again, symbolic behavior such as sharing, which is meant to show that you care), thereby not seeing the need to share could cause it.

^^^
I agree. Being considerate and showing people appreciation requires a lot of theory of mind, being aware of other people and their wants and needs. I definitely have trouble with this. There are certain things I've learned to say thank you for which is a form of showing appreciation but there are probably lots of times where people would spontaneously be appreciative and I'm not even aware that something I should be appreciative of has taken place. When my sister lived at home I'd turn off the lights when I left a room she was still in sometimes, absent-mindedly. I did not show consideration for my sister who was still in the room and still needed the lights. If there's a treat that both my mum and I like or when my sister lived at home that she and I both liked I'd finish eating it unless I was specifically told to "save her 3" or "only eat half" ect. Otherwise I would just never consider that my sister might want some, I'd just think "I want to eat this" and "it's here" and I'd eat it or wouldn't think anything and just absent-mindedly eat. I'm just too self-absorbed to realize these things a lot of the time. I've been trying to be more considerate.

I'm not sure if this is relevant, but 'appreciation' is probably the closest I can come to expressing 'love'. I can't tell my mom I love her (my whole body screams against it, and I just can't) – but I can avoid eye contact (missing her by about 3 feet) and nervously confess that I'm grateful for having nice parents who are kind to me.

It's a roundabout way of telling her I love her, but it's the closest I can come!

Well, I have told my mum in the past how grateful I am to have her. I've told her that she's a wonderful mum and has the patience of a saint for putting up with me. However, on a day to day basis I don't think I express gratitude/appreciation the way I should.

Odd. I must be one of the rare aspies who does know how to show consideration.

My point is that you can't lump all of us into one giant "All-Aspies-Can't-Be-Kind" category because it isn't true.

I'm usually considerate and appreciative. sometimes I miss a chance to do the right thing. I share compulsively.

That's not the case for me. I get why I should show appreciation, but I find it real awkward, especially IRL, and sometimes I endup sounding phony.

When I'm not shown consideration I will usually be bothered by the same things that most people are bothered by. But it still often fail to occur to me when I do it myself.


Sharing... Other than in my childhood (and what child likes to share?) I have naturally shared with those I like.


In what context did that happen? Did they take food you had bought and meant to use for something? If that's the case I understand the annoyance. Or did they expect you to share something you had bought and made and didn't have enough of for everyone? That would have made me annoyed too, unless they just wanted a taste of it, which would have been perfectly alright by me, or if they suggested that we'd share my meal and then share something else.
But if it was food you had bought for the household and you eat food others buy, then I don't think you should have food labeled "mine".

I think having AS could be a reason why it doesn't occur to you to do those things but that does not mean you cannot learn. The problem is that people expect you to know these things without being told. That's why people get mad. They think you CAN figure it out on your own. Therefore, you are INTENTIONALLY trying to hurt them. Then again, it might not be an aspie thing. It could be differences in the two families. They share food in their family and you don't share food in your family.

This is perfectly true. I myself was born selfish and inconsiderate. That being said, consideration can be learned. When people told me I was hurting others/turning them off, I was so shocked that nowadays I try to think about upsetting others. For example, one common mistake Aspies make is to borrow others' things without asking/getting into others' space. Always ask before borrowing. I once encountered an Aspie who used my things without asking, and nearly damaging a good pair of shoes in the process, and realised Aspies tend to take others for granted.

Really? I have never done that. That was always a given to me, and I have had the problem that some others don't feel that way.


Really? I took my family for granted when I was a child (don't most children?) and I kinda taken them for granted in the way that I trust them to not betray me or send me away, but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate and love them and I am grateful I was born into the family I was.
I don't take anyone else for granted at all.

I knew an Aspie who did both. You're probably one of the more morally-conscious ones.

I don't mean kids just taking their family for granted. Lots of people go through that phase. What I meant is a few Aspies I know kept on expecting people to help them with their homework, and when help was given, did not even thank them. Heck, I've even been used by an Aspie.