Help! Is any there a good way to address body odor?

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Normally, I just blunder through stuff like this on my own, but I thought someone here might have advice on how to handle this better than my usual bull in a china shop approach.

My NT roommate develops intolerable (at least to me) body odor if she doesn't shower every day, and when she gets horribly depressed (she's been out of work), sometimes she doesn't. It was starting to get unpleasant yesterday, but I just gritted my teeth and ignored it. Today, I can smell her across the room. She knocks me over at five feet.

I'm starting to realize I may be more sensitive to the smell than normal people, but that doesn't change the fact that I can't stand to be in the same room with someone who lives with me. This is a recurring problem, but for the life of me, I have no idea how to say something--or if I even should say anything. She's really sensitive about people saying she smells--this has come up before at work. She knows it's an issue for her.

I've brought it up as carefully as I could, once before, and she got very embarrassed and hurt--and yes, sulkily angry. Intellectually, I realize that's her problem, not mine, but I want to protect our friendship as much as possible. Is there any less damaging way to address the issue besides saying outright, "You have b.o. Please shower."

Does she like swimming? Maybe you can invite her to go swimming with you. But make sure she doesn't figure out why you're asking.

Going swimming should cure the body odor, and physical activity can also help with depression.

Hi, maybe write it in a one-page or less letter?

And compliment her first, tell her what you like about her without overdoing it.

And then just be matter-of-fact. Maybe say something like, yes, it is an issue. And maybe I'm more sensitive because I do have Asperger's. Do you think you could take a shower every day? Please. (be relatively brief)

Be sincere. You say you do want to be her friend. And her being out of work and depressed, these are real issues.

With you saying something before and her feeling hurt and sulkily angry, you just have to make your own best judgment call.

PS You don't have to disclose that you're on the Spectrum. If yo do, maybe lead off with 'I have sensory and processing problems' and 'I probably am on the broad Asperger's-Autism Spectrum, but then again a lot of people are.' in fact, this might even take the heat off her having a body odor issue. Again, your judgment call. Upside potential and downside potential either way.

I have had to have similar conversations in the past. I hate them and avoid them as long as I can. I usually lead with something along the lines of "I need to tell you something that will probably embarrass you, but I am going to tell you anyway, because you are my friend and I would want you to tell me."

But be prepared for her to share equally unpleasant feedback with you. This actually happened to me once. I don't think what the person told me was true, but I responded by thanking her for letting me know and that I hoped she would tell me if she was ever aware of anything else she thought I needed to know.

It was really uncomfortable, but we made it through it.

It's really weird to me that a stinky person would get sukly over it..

What about you ask her how she is feeling? Get her to talk a bit about her depression, maybe showing that you care will help make her feel better. You could off-handedly sneak in an anecdote about someone you knew who was depressed, barely ate, barely slept, didn't take care of hygiene...if you can do that without making it sound like an obvious hint.

Or how about inviting her out some place. It can help her mood and motivate her to shower. Assuming she'll shower to go out.

In all seriousness, are you sure she doesnt have AS?? Lots of aspies so hate showering and washing they do end up smelling. Its really common~ do a hoogle in this site for 'shower wash' and a ton of threads come ip, discussing how much people hate washing.
More generally, its really classic depressed behaviour to stop washing, so be kind to her for that reason too.

Anyway, whether she does have AS or is just depressed... Please approach her politely about it~ if you're rude it will only upset her, and probably wont make her step in the shower everyday, anyway. It also wont improve relations between the two of you. Suggesting swimming is a really nice idea. You could also give her a nice gift basket to 'cheer her up', with a body spray, as well as shower gell etc~ the spray might mask her smell on the days she doesnt wash : )

Please be polite though. I know how you feel, cos i have really extreme issues with smell (almost gagging on busses etc), but its always better to try the nice approach several times first. If you're rude it'll just put her back up, and she wont listen. Shell also be more depressed and embarrassed, and so less inclined to wash then.

Explain you can smell stuff from a mile away and it makes you ill~ say you're sorry to bring it up, and you like her as a friend etc, but please could she be a little more careful?

Deodorant is pretty obvious. Washing them in the shower is good too, and since she is a girl she should also be shaving... hopefully.

I cannot uote all of the posts and point out the various problems

just leaving soap and stuff is passive aggressive/insulting, bad move

the shaving actually increases sweat problems and odor if you are staying clean, evolution gave us hair for a reason + she may have an alergy sensitivity to anything in that spot

honestly you should probably just be upfront with her, there is really no way to broach it without it hurting her feelings to some extent.

you might try to say that its not good for her sense of wellbeing either.

If you're going to say anything, start out with "___________? Are you all right? I've been noticing some things..."

You know what to say from that point on, because you've told us here all about it.

You can include the "seem to not be bathing" along with the description of what seems to be depression, and say it seems that way to you because of things you've NOT seen her doing, and because you've thought you noticed an odor.

"Can I help?" is a big way to make contact with someone in need, and let them know they're not being attacked or insulted.