A Contradicting Reality

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It's somewhat as if I can't properly explain my experiences unless I'm in the moment, currently experiencing whatever is in question. No matter how many times I do something, I'll always have incorrect estimations of my own abilities, interests, feelings and thoughts. I honestly have no idea why this is the case. It's as if when I think of scenarios there are countless things that I'm forgetting, which destroy the experiences for me when it comes around to it.

+ I feel as if I really want to go to a new restaurant to try something new and amazing, but if I'm actually at the restaurant I'll order a comfort meal or something I can roughly gauge the taste of.
+ I feel like I want to go out to parties or join groups/clubs for fun, but when it comes around to it I don't really enjoy them at all.
+ I feel like I'm not a perfectionist, but then I'm given work or I attempt to organize something the way I want it to be and stress myself out due to inconsistencies etc.
+ I feel as if I can complete work (such as an essay) in a much shorter time than it would actually take. I'm talking hours of time discrepancy here.

I think it's similar to someone who is all talk, no action. I can't control mine for whatever reason.. it's legitimately like I lie to myself and can't see the truth.

Does anyone else experience anything like this? I can barely even explain this accurately.

Nothing is as easy as it looks to me.
Everything takes way longer than expected.
Whatever outside of the routine i want, ends up as a disappointment/regret.

Yes I can totally relate to this. So many times I would "think" I want to do something and imagine it in my mind as going a certain way. Then when it would actually happen I would not enjoy it and find things going completely different than what I had imagined.

I seem to have gotten better at knowing when I really want to do something, but maybe not, maybe I have just learned by a process of elimination over many years that I don't want to do certain things. I found I often like the idea of doing social things but in actuality I don't enjoy those things at all.

I consistently underestimate the amount of time it will take to do things, and my capacity to do those things at certain times, and you'd think I would learn but I don't. I keep thinking for instance, I will do this or that when I get up in the morning, and I don't see any reason why not, but when morning comes I get up and just barely get dressed and out the door on time.

I used to pick up all kinds of random items in the grocery stores, thinking this looks good, I want to try this, then I'd bring it home and later just feel like crying wondering why did I buy all this stuff when I don't even know if I like it or not? And then I'd try the food and not like it and wish I had gotten something I liked. Thankfully I broke myself of that habit. But lately I plan on cooking nice meals for myself, things I KNOW I really do want to eat, but when the times comes to cook I just don't feel like it and don't have the kitchen cleaned up to do it so I eat out instead.

In ADHD a lot of this can be attributed to impulsivity, being a prisoner of the moment, "it makes sense at the time" but it's hard to relate the moment you are in to other moments in the future.

My approach to time estimates is to make my most generous estimate of the amount of time it would take me to leisurely complete something. Then double it.

About the desire for groups, parties, and such, I guess over the years I have so many times tried that with disappointing results that reality finally beat itself into my head. I let go of those fantasies and am happier for it.

Yeah that's exactly how I feel much of the time. I'm guessing it's likely due to all the pressures put on me by my family whilst I was growing up. They were always pestering me to be more social, making statements like 'Why can't you be cheerful like him?' etc. They were always trying to change me and forcing me to go places that I didn't want to, so perhaps I developed a false identity based on the ideas related to what I could be doing, rather than what I actually want to be doing. Maybe it contributes to why I feel as if I don't have a strong self identity.

Just as an example, I'll use the beach. I like the idea of going to a beach with friends where we walk along rocks and along the sand, go knee-deep in the water, and just having fun in general. The sun is healthy for me, it tans my extremely white skin, and I can get fit by running in the sand. It seems like something I really want to do in my head, but when I get there the sand really annoys me, I don't want to get wet but I get splashed, there are other people there, I'm paranoid people will steal my stuff when I'm in the water, it's too hot or too cold, my hair messes up, my beach body isn't great etc. I could go on and on. Good thing for me, I know where I stand with beaches and rarely go to them now as the problems are more pronounced. There are still times where I will go with friends (I went to a beach house a few days ago) where I'm typically unpleasantly surprised with just how much worse of a time I am having at the beach rather than at the actual house.

The reason is simple:

1. We want to be less rigid and to enjoy more things. So we think, "In the future I will do x, y and z, and it will be great."

2. But when we get there the old rigidity comes back with a vengeance.

The key to handling this is to learn to remember these two facts about ourselves:

1. We will never be able to go "all in" and change our stripes overnight, so we must temper our future fantasies with the reality.

2. What is the reality? The reality is that while we won't be able to go "all in," we can go 1/4 in or 1/2 in. We can change and challenge ourselves by increments.

When we remember the last two points, we won't be as disappointed with a new situation; moreover, by little steps we will open the horizons of our rigidity, and then in a few years we'll look back and realize that we have changed! That's the fun part.