Why nonverbal communication matters

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I've been pondering this for the past week, because of all the criteria for ASD, this is the only area in which I've felt my symptoms were not so serious as to be truly disabling.

Sure, my eye contact is fleeting and sketchy, and I can't read facial expressions worth a darn... But why does it really matter? How has it affected my life in any way?

But I've finally identified a situation that has had a profoundly negative impact on my life:

I've always thought that doctors were angry with me, because they tend to have serious expressions. Plus, since I'm bad at eye contact, they've always suspected I'm lying about my symptoms and medical history. So I've developed such an intense distrust and fear of doctors, that I've avoided seeking necessary medical care, which has had serious repercussions on my physical health.

For example, last year I finally went to the ER when a tumor in my abdomen had finally grown to the size of a cantaloupe, and was too painful to ignore any longer. My mom went with me, and the doctor who examined me made a joke about the giant tumor bulging out from my stomach.

I thought he was being really cruel and making fun of me, and I was fighting tears. But after he left the room my mom said, "What a nice doctor, for making a light-hearted comment to put you at ease." I had no idea he was being nice, because I can't tell if a joke is meant nicely, or in a cruel way.

Anyway, 'deficits in nonverbal communication' was the only symptom of ASD that I wasn't certain I had so severely as to cause 'significant impairment in functioning'. But now I realize it really is a big deal, and is the reason why I have permanent muscle weakness and arthritis from chronic Lyme disease (because I was too scared to get treated right away), and why I let a tumor get to the size of a cantaloupe before doing anything about it. (Thankfully it was benign though!)

I hate it when people say stupid stuff like that! How could they possibly think joking about a giant tumor in your abdomen would help the situation?

My son actually had a bad situation escalate tremendously because of insensitive jerks like that. A bully at school tripped him (a situation we had complained about a lot) and instead of making the other child apologize or even helping him up, the principal of the school said "Well, so, if I had known you liked the floor so well, I would have let you do your work there!"

He was already angry and bleeding, now one of the adults was making fun of him. That was just too much, and he had a full-blown meltdown. That was one of his last days before we started homeschooling.

It always upsets me when I am being serious and someone is joking around and not being serious. It makes me think they aren't taking me seriously and they are being rude to me. I do tell them to knock it off and all they need to do is apologize and quit joking. My husband does this but one of my ex boyfriends didn't care and would keep at it because "it was who he is." The reason why it grinds my gears and sets me off when I hear anyone say "Accept someone for who they are" or "accept me for who I am" "or "be yourself" "I am myself and won't change for anyone" because I think they are one of those people.

Seesh I thought autistic people were supposed to be the ones who act inappropriate in a situation or make inappropriate jokes but NTs do this too and then we are the ones who are NT all of a sudden because we know it's inappropriate and they didn't.

I get this problem a lot, things that people say as a joke upset me and sometimes I'm not aware of what upsets them. It's really not easy to tell, is it? It' s this weird gray area. I'd be upset too if I were you. Jeez.

Holy crap, I would be so angry if my doctor made a joke about that. I can't be light-hearted about something that serious.

I also misinterpret non-verbal cues and think people are angry at me when they're not.

Thanks guys... Yes it really does seem that our inability to understand jokes is a serious problem! One little misunderstood joke can make the difference between functioning perfectly fine in a situation, vs. feeling so upset and humiliated that you give up, and avoid that situation altogether.

Is it our inability to understand jokes, or is it their inability to understand our feelings?

I'm sorry that this has had such a negative impact on your health Ashariel. I avoid going to doctors too.

Hmm, I am not sure if you're simply posting your personal observations or seeking constructive criticism/feedback or seeking sympathy. It's not very clear to me. My natural inclination is to want to 'fix a problem', so it is not my intention to cause offense.

It is good to hear the tumour was benign. I can see that you're putting in the effort to understand your 'deficits' in non-verbal communication and the impact it has. Have you decided if you wish to change things by improving your skills and understanding?

It sounds to me like 'fear' is the core issue, as well as self-esteem and assertiveness skills. You have some interesting fixed assumptions/distortions. You assume that because a doctor looks serious (they often do) they MUST be angry at you. And you have this belief that because you have bad eye contact people MUST think that you are lying. How do you know that this is absolutely true? And why does it matter if people are angry? or if they think that you a liar? Do you allow other people to easily effect how you view yourself (your worth as a human being)? It seems that negative facial expressions cause you quite a bit of discomfort.

If the comment by the Doctor upset you the appropriate response would be to voice that you didn't find it appropriate. In fact, you found it hurtful. That is assertiveness. The doctor probably didn't realise he had caused offense and will remain oblivious to that fact. He can't read your mind and may have assumed (based on your non-verbal cues and a generalisation about how other people typically feel in the same situation) that you were upset about your condition rather than his comment. I know that when people have low self-esteem they tend to be more sensitive to criticism (they take things personally) and more defensive, and one coping mechanism is to avoid situations that cause discomfort. These issues are resolvable. Again, I am not sure if this is something you wanted to change or leave as is.

Dianthus, thank you – and Sare, you brought up some good points!

I'm not sure I had a motive for posting this (I'm more of an info-dumper than a back-and-forth communicator, so I often fail to express things in a way that is conducive to discussion!) But I'm going through a learning phase, since my relatively recent autism diagnosis, and I'm finding it helpful to look at situations like this in hindsight, and to realize how autism affected my behavior.

I agree that speaking up and being assertive would have been the best response. That's something I struggle with (again, I have serious verbal communication problems, and while it might seem I express myself fairly well in writing, my speaking ability is extremely bad, to the point of not being able to respond at all in a stressful situation like this.)

And I definitely need to approach future situations more optimistically. I understand now that a serious expression does not necessarily equate to anger, and that I can't know for certain whether a doctor believes me or not. But these are things I didn't know before... Hindsight is 20/20, but I guess the important thing is that I'm finally learning!

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