Finding it very hard to socialize in new job

Post Reply New Topic

You will have to bare with me this might be fairly long but I would like some advice on what I should do in my situation if that's okay.

I started a new job 3 weeks ago as a developer in a fairly active team. There are about 10 people in my department and for the first 2 weeks no one talked to me, I have since attempted to socialise with them after being invited to lunch or for drinks however I literally find it impossible to communicate. I have always been a loner and in my last and first ever job which I had for 5 years I worked on my own in a very small family based company and have never really had friends so socialising even without the AS is so alien to me.

Moving to a big corporate company with a very social team is a huge shock to me, I have been trying my best to make "small talk" or at least any kind of talk however I just can't do it and each time I do I probably come across as weird and it's actually making me increasingly annoyed/depressed.

I am thinking of just giving up on the socialising thing and just not talking to anyone at work, however I worry that will affect my success in the role with the team being so close and me having to work in it. My boss (lead developer) is also on my floor and in this team so he will actively see me not talking to anyone. I have thought about telling them but that never really works and it didn't in my last job, people don't understand aspergers, won't read up on it and will just wonder why you told them.

I went for drinks yesterday with my boss and 2 other colleagues and had to drink alcohol just to talk to them however alcohol stops me from concentrating and that's when I let loose with the weird. Just an example is when I bought a round for them and when I brought the drinks back one of them said "Is this a half pint" I assumed he meant I got everyone a pint apart from him and took it as a bit of an offence, I'm not sure what they meant but when I started reassuring them I had paid for a pint and tried to take it back to the bar they got a bit weird about it.

I probably said only a few words in 2 hours and the first time I tried to talk I was ignored, there was silence so I thought I would ask my colleague "Was the language barrier hard in China" however as I said it another colleague also asked him a question about China and he just ignored me and answered his question and never answered mine. The second time I asked something was when they were discussing a recent interview my boss gave, I asked how I did in my interview and he responded with "You got the job didn't you" and they all laughed. I knew I did okay to get the job but was curious as it was my second ever interview.

There are some nice people in the company mainly 4 guys that actually seem okay with me, however for the most part I feel people do not like me even though they do not know me. The person who I sit next to just totally ignored me and when I would say good morning to him face to face while passing on the stairs he would just ignore me. Sometimes these social activities and social rules and guidelines that you must follow to be a success with others is just too hard, confusing and is really starting to get to me. I am feeling increasingly annoyed and depressed about it especially never having to deal with socialising before.

Hi. I know how hard it can be to try and "fit in" to a team for work. the best advice i can probably give is, be yourself. they hired you and part of that would have been for a "cultural fit" to the other guys too. they can change to include you as much as you can change to fit in with them. if everyone makes an effort, it'll probably work out okay.

having said that, i've picked up a few things...
Going out to lunch - its 'rude' to always say no. if you have food issues, try and suggest a place that you would like to eat at as they invite you.. like: "want to get some lunch?" "sure. i really feel like thai food from ...." or something.
Drinking - going to the pub might be very useful (socially), but drinking, especially when you dont want to, isnt. i usually let people i know i dont drink and just get a softdrink (and i understand there is culture / peer pressure around drinking. i'm australian.)
Social conversation - this can be very hard with an already formed group. i think finding a common ground or trying to find topics you agree with them on, can help ingratiate yourself with the group. dont try and lie to achieve this, but perhaps keep strong differing opinions to yourself to start with. if they ask your opinion, and it is different to theirs, try and temper yours a little by appreciating the elements of their opinion that are true (there's usually some truth in there).

this is just what i have learned so far for my situation. hopefully some of it can be useful to you too.
good luck. and congratulations on the new job.

Omg this sounds like I wrote it!!

I am a social worker working in Quality Management in a health care setting. I'm young and I'm not a nurse, but I work with very mature nurses. I am part of the "Leadership Team" which consists of these very mature nurses (55+ years old) who I have very little in common with; they invited me out to dinner and of course I said yes (forgot to mention I'm an intern so I'm aiming to impress so I don't have to find a diff job in august).

Dinner was super awkward for me and I did not say much, unless a topic arose of which I was knowledgable.... Which is always my safe area. I never enter a conversation I do not know anything or know very little about, I have found over the years that it's best to keep quiet about things I do not know.. People seem to appreciate that more. Even when I do feel that I know the answer to the question they're pondering I weigh the pros and cons of answering in my head.... Anything to avoid that awkwardness of having ppl look at me in silence like I've just proclaimed my love for justin beiber.

Don't try to hard, they will notice and push you away.

Don't try too little, they will notice and push you away.

How do we find that balance between trying too hard and too little?

I'm hijacking your thread, I think.

you have to be very careful with this. if you're always right, you're a know-it-all (apparently thats a bad thing). if the first thing / everything you do talk about is something you disagree with them on, it looks like you're just being argumentative. if you attempt humour that offends or insults someone (wit + impeccable timing + a grain of truth) it looks like you hate someone. i now try and find a topic that i am knowledgeable about and that we can agree on. usually music (one of my special interests) as i can appreciate large variety of music, and people are impressed when you've even heard of an obscure little band they like.

on that note.. I am also trying to improve my rules for social interaction so hopefully anyone with some good tips and tricks will take a minute to share.
Thanks SSWaspie.