Need insight on "selective mutism"

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I feel like I ask about this a lot, but it is one part of my daughter's experience that I really don't get. And sometimes I don't even know if it is selective mutism or a selective decision not to speak.

She says that when it happens, she feels "very nervous" and that her "throat hurts really bad." She said that sometimes she doesn't want to talk, but sometimes even if she does, she can't. And that when she can, her voice comes out quiet and she can't help it. When she does talk, it is never really fluid talking. Always only single words or very short phrases.

From those of you who experience/have experienced selective mutism, what are your thoughts?

Does your daughter have ASD as well? Because I think that experience is somewhat different.

I think the fact that I have selective mutism has been the hardest thing for me to cope with in my life.

It's not so bad these days because I have had to learn strategies.

The worst thing for me was that I didn't know that what I was suffering from actually had a name until I was an adult, and I couldn't express to people the sheer anguish I felt because I at times could not speak.

I'm a mimic, I mimic people, that's how I've got away with it in my life. A lot of what I say IRL is just learnt scripts or sheer mimicry.

I cannot explain the mutism, all I know is, is that I cannot/do not speak. I don't know whether the anxiety causes the mutism or the other way round.

I am extremely shy though and I blush when ever I have to speak. I think this makes matters even worse because I refuse to talk because of the blushing.

Hmm... can she use an alternative method of communication when she can't talk? Sometimes, feeling pressure to talk can make selective mutism even worse! It's an anxiety thing. Texting, sign language, note-writing... just make sure she has a way to tell you things when she's too tired, nervous, or overloaded to talk. You shouldn't force her to communicate when she wants to be quiet, but she ought to have the option when she needs it, without having to gear up for full-on out-loud speech every time.

I've just learned not to put myself under pressure to talk.

Like callista says above. The more pressure, the harder it is.

I used to worry so much about not talking and about what people thought of me that I wasted more than half my life hiding away.

It has only been in this last 5 or 6 years that I have learned to let go of all that.

The thing is with me, is that I am a very affective communicator when I do talk, but it's as though all the language get's tied up in knots and just wont come out.

I'm also selective over my use of words when I do talk.

IRL I am a tough crowd, it is hard to get two words out of me.

Well, sometimes when someone who doesn't talk, and they technically can talk, they don't do it because it's really tiring, really difficult. I wouldn't call that "lazy" or "feigning disability". I would call that "avoiding a task that you know will take a lot of effort and completely wear you out if you attempt to do it". That is why many people who can walk, use wheelchairs--because it is so tiring for them that they can only go a short distance, and it will use up their energy for the day, and they can't do anything else that matters more than walking--especially when there's an easier way. If your daughter is quiet when she's upset or angry, that might be exactly what she's doing--she might be able to push herself to talk, but only at the cost of becoming even more upset. Sometimes, when you are autistic and you are tired or upset, the smartest thing to do is to go somewhere quiet and not talk, instead of pushing yourself to your absolute limit and going into shutdown.

To be honest, I think an autistic person--even an autistic person who can always or almost always talk--has the right not to talk if they don't want to. For the sake of safety and to fulfill one's need for connectedness to others, communication itself has to be kept available, but talking itself--if it's tough, if it's going to tire you out, sometimes there are more important things in life than communicating in the usual way. Sometimes you have to go to your bedroom and text your parents instead of having that "nice talk" they want you to have, because you just don't have enough brain left for it, especially if you've already put in a day at school.

My daughter is also in this bracket where I don't know if it's selective mutism or she is not interested/motivated to speak to people other than her parents (she is quite capable of good speech when she wants to and has reasonable vocabulary).

This is yet another area where the use of general labels by so called "mental health experts" such as non-verbal or selective mutism seems to be prone to subjective interpretation.

Does it happen often to your daughter? If so, therapy might help.

To give a little insight: I'm in my 20s now, but I still suffer from selective mutism. I never liked the term because it slightly implies that there is a choise in there which there really isn't. I think you can liken the experience to holding a heavy weight: keeping it off the floor is hard enough - which is just continuing to function, but lifting it above your head is technically possible, but would drain you of all energy - talking.

I hope that makes sense. For me the experience can strike me at any time I am overstimulated or exhausted by social interaction. there is a longer period in which talking is just far too hard to do and at it's peak I can't speak even if I tried: my throat clenches up like you've got a really sore throat. The entire experience can take from 1-6 hours and going to bed generally helps.

For me selective mutism never comes alone. Even if I realize it or not, I am so tired or overstimulated that my body uses this outlet to calm down. By learning to feel this overstimulation or social tiredness and to cope with trigger point I have managed to turn down the amount of times this happens to 2-5 times a year.

I am not sure how your daughter feels about the experience, but I have always seen it as a purely negative event: to be avoided at all costs. If it happens in public, people stare and think you're ret*d. Using notes never aided me, the entire experience leaves me feeling terrible and helpless. My negative feelings about it has never made me want to fake this experience and I am curious about how your daughter sees these episodes.

I had this in school as well, and so did my daughter. For me it is pretty clear that this appears when we are in insecure environments where we don't know how to behave. My daughter had a clear line where should wouldn't talk to anybody (not even us parents) within the school area, but as soon as she crossed some physical line she started talking as usual. Teachers that never ever heard her talk in school could call her on the phone and talk to her at home. School people could also talk to her in a neutral environment like in a shop. It was the school environment itself that was connected with mutism. I managed to break my mutism myself in high-school.