Do people say you talk like a "Know It All"?

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Do people say you act like you are an expert on everything, and it is annoying as hell?

A very good friend just made this comment about my husband. He said no matter what is on Tee Vee, DH has this running commentary on the show. It can be something on black holes or the show "Pawn Shop". It doesn't matter what type of show. The friend said, DH acts the it's a damn lecture, and who the hell is he? That DH lords over the conversation like a TED talk, and he always has to have the last word. It's always a debate and that is tiresome.

It doesn't help my husband has the horrible habit of wall of words. That 6 minute commentary where it isn't a discussion. My husband HAS to speak until all the thoughts are out, which is usually about 10 minutes non stop. By that time, everyone has checked out.

This is a very good friend who told me about the issue and he is the only non family memeber who will even hang around my husband.

IF I say anything to my husband he will flat out shut down. He will view this as an attack, no matter how gently I put it. He does talk in a monotone voice, with a rather smug, superior air. DH doesn't realize this.

I'm guessing it's part anxiety, a huge chunk no social skills, and a even bigger need to control the conversation. DH thinks he's having a dialogue, but in reality it's more like a Spaulding Gray monologue, only not as funny.

Any comments and/or suggestions? This was a major issue at his old job and with his immediate family. No one says anything to him. They just limit contact. I let him ramble and say nothing, because this is a meltdown triggering issue for him. I can't deal with a meltdown at the moment.

I don't think I've had the comment, but I do get comments like "yeah, we get it!". I just can't help myself

That sounds like about half of my posts here on WP.

It's a common Aspergian shortcoming that we are often oblivious to our own tendency to wax professorial on subjects that interest us and that though we may be wallflowers much of the time, when we do enter a conversation, we can unconsciously commandeer it and not let anyone else get a word in edgewise once we've started talking.

I try to monitor myself for that as much as possible, but I still catch myself yammering on from time to time, only to glance up and see the other person's eyes rolling up in their head, as they lose consciousness out of sheer boredom. It often goes hand in hand with that unconsciously rising volume level - in fact, what often makes me realize I'm doing it again, is suddenly noticing that I'm excitedly talking louder than usual.

I've had other Aspies trap me in a corner and do it to me, too, so I know firsthand how frustrating it can be. The only thing I can think of to do is maybe just hold up a palm and signal him to stop when he's starting to lecture and remind him to "take it down a notch." Don't make it a big conversation, just remind him he's getting a little carried away. One of the younger WP members was saying several weeks back that their siblings let them know when they're lecturing by simply saying "BORED NOW," and walking away. I thought that was pretty funny.

Suggestion - Don't try and stop the monologue if that comes across as an attack... try a more sinuous route and ask him to lower his volume... or to slow down because you can't follow him... or something like that that seems appropriate to you. Changing one aspect of the monologue (even if it's not really an issue) might allow him to or make him become a bit more aware of / self monitoring of / the fact that he's doing it.

Ie don't try and tell him what he's doing is wrong, just tell him he's not doing it right... eventually he might just become so frustrated trying to get it right that he stops doing it out loud.

All. The. Time.

I think it is because I have a habit of repeating myself. Not exact repetition, but I say the same thing in a number of different ways. I can't help it. And sometimes I include more information than I need to because in my brain there is more information, and it needs to come out. Especially if I have "pre-rehearsed" the conversation. Then it all needs to come out. I can't seem to help myself!

I also get annoyed when people are factually incorrect. I have no problem with differing opinions, but being factually incorrect especially annoys me when the person who is incorrect has not even bothered to research the topic and are mistaking their uneducated opinion as fact. I would rather have them say "I don't care what the facts say, this is what I believe." I'm ok with that.

My mother used to call it "the world according to Brian" when I was a kid.

I'm not usually told to my face but YES ALL THE TIME. I'm just like my father. When watching a show I can't keep my damn mouth shut. Whether it's pointing out useless facts, errors and yes, I also get REALLY angry if someone tries to stop me so people just avoid me. Never made that connection until recently.

All the time.

All. The. Time.

I don't go into 2+ minute lectures but I do always over-explain things.

Yes, it does happen. I lecture... that's just the way it is. But I have a relatively soft voice and people usually just ignore me unless it's a one-on-one conversation. Then they--eventually--interrupt. It takes them longer than it should because they want to be polite and I can't tell that they want to step in.

But that "smug, superior air" is not really superior at all. There's no attempt at superiority--any smugness you hear in that lecture is more like the satisfaction of knowing things. When I lecture like that, I'm not trying to declare myself superior because I'm not really thinking about myself in relation to other people--my mind is too full of the facts I want to talk about, and I feel like I need to get them out before I forget what I was going to say.

I don't get called a know it all ( at least not to my face! lol), but I do tend to go on too long when trying to explain stuff.

The reason for this though is I get frustrated if I don't feel I've properly explained the point, so I end up going on and on.. and on.

One way to handle it is to ask questions... turn it into a learning experience. Ask relevant questions raised by the points he's making.. that way you can start to lead the conversation in the direction you want, and DH will enjoy the conversation more as he'll feel the knowledge he's trying to impart, with all good intentions, is actually being appreciated. It'll also help get him into the habit of shutting up every 30 seconds or so to listen to and think about your questions... a win all round

Yup, people seem to think we're arrogant. Sounds like a personal problem for them.. If only they knew it was us being nice and sharing something we know.

No but my mum calls me "little miss smarty-pants" and says "too much information" when I'm explaining something quite often.

My nickname in our house is "Mensa"... a funny/nicer way of saying I'm being a know-it-all and to cut it out.

All the time, all the time, all the time.

A while back I started trying to help people escape my monologues by self-interrupting and telling them to shut me up at will, but people are generally too polite to take me up on it.

Can't speak for your husband, but for me, it's got nothing to do with the motives you're thinking of. It's just that the stuff's *really interesting*. Any smugness/superiority is 100% unintentional and also imperceptible to me. I honestly cannot sense it in myself and have no idea what other people are responding to. I'd turn it off if I knew what to turn off, but it's like someone telling you to jump through the 8th dimension on your way to dinner.

It's very frustrating to be stopped mid-flow, but important to recognize that there's a real problem. "BORED NOW" is exactly what we need, not polite hinting. My daughter's ace at this, will just tell me she doesn't want to hear anymore, that she's bored, that she wants to change the subject, etc. If your husband won't hear it...well, the best solution usually is to point such a person at other nerdy bores and let them talk at each other till they pass out. That, or he can get a professor job. It's nice getting paid for it, though it does reinforce the habit. I've learned that 3-hour lectures aren't really a good thing for me to get used to.

Sorry I can't offer more hope....

Not only do I comment on everything and sound like a professor, nobody in my family believes a word I say.
They say it's because they are older than me, and I couldn't possibly have learned anything they haven't learned.
They got to hating my explanations of shows so much that they prefer the commercials over me.

I think calling someone with autism "smart" in any way ends up being encouragement to do more of the same. WHO wouldn't want to be smart?

Yep, I'm an enrichment to all.

My mother calls me "Google " because I'm the person to go to for information.

I only get called a know-it-all when I go into lecture mode, which isn't too often.