Trying too hard to make your kid not like you

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I'm high functioning autistic.

Didnt know that officially until last year, when I was diagnosed. But I suspected it. To be honest, it's not a problem for me. I'm lucky, my parents were great. They gave me confidence to be me and I've settled down to a good math/computing career.

But with my son, who has also been diagnosed autistic, I can't help but try and "correct" the stuff I recognise as being symptomatic of the spectrum. Some of it is to try and prevent him getting teased later on in life, and there is some stuff he does (crawlng around on the floor or refusing to do anything someone else wants - he doesnt do this at school: he's nine) which I think reminds me of me, but I can't get him to stop as I think its a horrible battle of wills.

But I don't even know if I should try. Maybe I'm being nasty and storing up problems by trying to get him to change thngs he cant do. But if i dont try then what then? Its a lousy situation. It makes me feel awful every time I challenge some "stupid noises", but what is the alternative?

Has anyone got any advice as I'm finding it quite depressing

Thanks

I would suggest backing off the pressure and trying to listen and connect more. Because if what you're doing isn't working there isn't anything to be gained from you both suffering, so why keep the pressure on? Try something different

It won't be easy though. You've probably heard too much negativity yourself. But IMO absolutely worth it!

If he knows not to do it in school then he probably knows what is and isn't appropriate behaviour in public.

He might just grow out of it if you just leave him be.

I misunderstood and thought you were posting how to make your kid dislike you. But you want your child not to look autistic. Agree with Babybird, let him be, enjoy him. Kids can grow out if specific behaviors. Don't let him hate himself for being autistic because of you. The world is harsh enough.

Speak from reason, the autistic brain respects logic, but resists pressure.

The only way my parents got that sort of thing across to me was by making me understand that "This is how the world works and if you want other people to take you seriously and cooperate with you, these are the behaviors they will expect to see."

That's not to say that I was imminently cooperative at the time, but those are the lessons that did stay with me as I grew up.

On the other hand, it took them many years to figure out that pushing and prodding and forcing simply did not work. Ever. I would sit down in the middle of the road like a mule and completely shut down.


Just don't forget, that you cannot change his neurology. His brain works the way it works, and if you try to change that, you're both going to wind up miserable and hating each other. There is nothing wrong with who he is.

Maybe you could back off and let him be a kid instead. He will grow out of certain behaviours if he's allowed to be a kid. That way, you won't end up hating each other which is what happened between my dad and I. It took me years to forgive my father.

That kind of sounds like what my mom did to me for years after I was officially diagnosed at 12...she would always tell me that she was "just like me" when she was my age (i.e. socially anxious and awkward, avoiding people, etc) and so I guess all I was put through for most of my early adolescence (pointless speech therapy, social skills classes, a three-week ABA day camp that was more like a detention center for kids and teens with developmental disabilities) was her way of vicariously getting all the "help" she wished she'd gotten as a kid? I honestly don't know, and I don't think I want to.

I will try to say this as nicely as possible: you need to be a "safe" person for your son. He will face enough negativity from the outside world as it is. He needs a safe haven. The fact that you recognize this shows that you're a really good dad. I wish you and he the best of luck.

I have a daughter so like me we clash.

I get wanting to spare them pain. But we cannot. We CAN talk about the NT world and how it works. But home is where you can be you, and it is important that home be where you can dance with a piece of silk fabric or crawl on the floor or flap y our hands, and it is OK.

I had a counselor suggest I needed to learn to play because my efforts to be NT were so extreme that I could not relax.

That is when I learned that my idea of play does not match the NT idea of play. She, an NT suggested I get a coloring book and color. Her advice to play was good but it had to be modified. So now I play, and am happy that I have a place to do so without being too weird for others.

Thanks everyone. I will try and back off a bit more. It's difficult, particularly when you have fairly rigid ideas yourself, but I will try and stop myself next time I find myself being too confrontational. You're right, I should be pleased he recognises this a bit outside of home, and make sure he has a safety net inside. Not going to be easy, mind!!

I agree with others, it's counter productive to apply more pressure.

You could try reframing your advice, so instead of saying "Don't do that", which is directed at him, you could talk more about your own experience, learning how to get on with people.

Children like to learn from stories, and their parent's life stories do have a particular impact. If, at a time when you're both relaxed and un-pressured, you were to start reminiscing about your life at his age.. what you were interested in, what challenges you faced and how you overcame them.. he my start to think about how that relates to his experience, and gain new insights himself?

You really should seek the advice of people who are respected as good parents (brought up good kids and have good relationships with them).

There is no magic formula that works on every kid.

You have to push them and correct them. Your job is to prepare them to be on their own someday.

You also have to love and accept them as they are. It's a balancing act.

My best 2 cents is to make sure when you push and correct your child that you discuss why you are pushing them to try harder or to break them of bad habits. Since people with AS are more rational than others, if you can get them to intellectually understand why you are doing what you are doing, they might accept it more than if you do it with no apparent reason.

I hired specialists, and it helped me a lot to watch and learn, but I dropped the rigid ones and held onto the ones who have taught me about listening and encouraging my child's self expression, not the ones who try to fix the child. The ones who I want for my kids are the ones who teach them how to ask for what they want and need and how to be heard. And who try to give them supports they can use.

There are a lot of difficult people out there including professionals. If you can find one or two who can help you be accepting while still supporting growth, do that. It's made life better for me and for my kids. And I know not all professionals help, I'm talking about the ones your child asks to see and looks forward to talking or playing with. Where you watch and you know there's a connection and they are making the world a better place for your child, and your child ends the OT or speech or counseling session peaceful, and so do you.

My father To this day corrects everything that I do. I grew up thinking that everything I do is wrong. I shut myself off from him because I didn't want to be criticized constantly. My mother was the same way. If they had offered me support when I asked for it, rather than forcing unsolicited criticism on me, my relationship with them and my life in general would have been much better. Being on the spectrum I think I needed more support to find myself as an individual than typically developing kids. Instead, I feel like they tried to force me to be something that was completely unnatural to me. I don't have kids, but I would have to agree with some of the other comments that children just want to be loved and accepted. Maybe that's why I don't have kids, because some part of me is afraid that I would do to my children what my parents did to me. If you don't let your kids learn lessons on their own, and get hurt in the process sometimes, they will never really learn and their growth will be stunted. I think a parent should be there ready with the Band-Aid when the child learns life lessons , but a parent should not prevent the child from learning those lessons. Spectrum or NT, we all learn best through experience.

I'd say to guide him, but don't make him feel he's "acting weird" or anything like that. Try to get him to work with you instead of trying to make him act a certain way. I act different at home than school because I can. But the way I "behave" myself at school really wears me out. I need to be me when I'm at home.

I remember an advert where a mum was with her kid in a supermarket and when the little girl asked for something her mum wouldn't get, she threw a tantrum, crawled around on the floor wailing with tears. She wouldn't stop it, so the mother did the same thing but even louder and more obtrusive, everyone in the supermarket looked at them and the little girl felt embarassed and so she stopped.

Maybe try something similar but in a less public place?