I think I'm codependent

Post Reply New Topic

Hello all,

Let me give you a quick background first:

I just got divorced and am still living in the same house with my ex until we get everything sorted. The marriage was a marriage in name only. We hadn't had a conjugal relationship in over 4 years.

Before I met my now ex-wife, I was in my first relationship with a woman who nearly destroyed me, a woman I am convinced is a socialized sociopath. When I got my diagnosis of AS twenty years later at age 44, it all made sense. The inability to read nonverbal cues leading to social awkwardness; taking things literally; taking people at their word; talking too much to people I shouldn't be talking to--those are all the traits that tend to make aspies born suckers and easy targets for predator personalities.

Though my ex is not character-disordered like that, our marriage was fraught with her incessant verbal abuse, denial of intimacy for months and then years at a time, and all other kinds of bad stuff that made the marriage intolerable. But I stayed in for the better part of two decades before I finally sued for divorce. Also, I've stayed in jobs where I've been severely bullied to the point where it wrecked my health. Most people don't stay in situations like that for so long.

After moving to the Middle East for a year to teach English to feral boys (that's another story), I met someone else I'll call M. It was a big surprise to me, as I didn't go over there to philander. My plan was to see if I could make it on my own and then get a quiet, amicable divorce. Well, the job didn't work out, and I needed to return to the US anyway to finalize things.

Now I'm trying to get back to the Middle East in another job setting, and I'm having difficulty doing that. M has a problem with me doing that, as she feels uncomfortable with me moving back there with or without a job just for her, and I can understand her concern. I look at my behavior, the way I comprehend things in relationships, and I don't like what I see. I'm worried about losing her to another man, I feel like my whole world would end if that happened. I'm risking losing everything for someone who may not be able to sustain a long-term relationship.

Then, pouring over dozens of self-help books, I come across a term I've heard before but never had fully defined: codependency. Now it makes sense. When your identity is tied up completely in a relationship to someone else, when you sacrifice to the point of your own detriment, when you stay bad marriages, jobs, and relationships until it wrecks your health, that's being codependent. And that sounds like me.

I've read other posts in here about people in codependent relationships with aspies, but I want to know about aspies who are codependent. I have a sneaking suspicion that the nature of our condition makes us prone to this personality problem.

Also, HELP! I want to live a life of quality, and that won't happen if I'm codependent. I would appreciate advice with anyone who's managed this problem. I want out of the dark.

Constructive comments are welcome.

The Aspie is codependent in the sense that, because lacking social skills, he easily falls prey to a narcissist.

The Aspie then doesn't know how to get out of this relationship because of the inability to communicate.

The relationship ends in disaster.

This cycle will repeat until the Aspie 1) recognizes narcissistic vampires. 2) stays away from them, 3) learns scripted responses such as "No," "I'm sorry, go away."

Finally, the cycle will end when the Aspie decides to grow up and take responsibility for his life; to honor his wants and needs; to learn a healthy selfishness; to learn to say, "No" to anyone who would pose a threat.

Good luck.

I'm new to being a diag Aspie (I'm 52) and new to this board. JSBACHlover, what you said threw me for a loop! I'm codependent as well and couldn't reconcile why I allow people to use and abuse me and you summed it up for me. I just left a long-term relationship with a total narcissist. I think Aspies have such a hard time with relating to people that when someone seems to like us or love us, we hold on at all costs. That's what I did and my life is in shambles. I lost everything but most importantly my self-esteem.

I'm new to being a diag Aspie (I'm 52) and new to this board. JSBACHlover, what you said threw me for a loop! I'm codependent as well and couldn't reconcile why I allow people to use and abuse me and you summed it up for me. I just left a long-term relationship with a total narcissist. I think Aspies have such a hard time with relating to people that when someone seems to like us or love us, we hold on at all costs. That's what I did and my life is in shambles. I lost everything but most importantly my self-esteem.

You need to learn you can be happy without a loved one, that is the first step to take.