Copying others - too bossy

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So when I first started at my place of employment I was very meek, reserved, had issues exerting myself and working with the team.

Our director of nursing is a strong confident, powerful woman; I knew that's how I want to appear... So I started closely watching and listening to her to try and understand what id need to be like to be like that....

Well now I'm too assertive and have been told by the administrator twice now that I'm acting above my role and have no authority (he wasn't trying to be mean) and that I need to tone it down.

Anyone else have an issue like this before?

I am so confused.

I have to say, I handled the feedback a lot better this time. Said thank you for your feedback and didn't bawl my freaking eyes out like last time...

Never. Even if I wanted to become bossy and assertive, I just couldn't do it, even if I copied somebody. I am to too nervous and timid. I would love to be more powerful, though.

I copied people as a kid. I also copied my mother so I bossed my brothers around and gave them consequences and threatened them with a kiss. I liked to be in control. I also copied a boy in my special ed class by screaming because I saw it got the teacher's attention quicker. I just found short cuts and thought it was okay. It's like how I would see a kid throw a tantrum in the store when his mom says no and she lets him have his way so I tried it and didn't work with my mother. All it would do was get me into trouble. I also tried to copy Frankie who had ODD because I saw he was in control of his mother so I wanted to be in control of my family at home so I could be calm and relaxed and the house would be all nice and clean and no more lazy folks. When that didn't work, I just thought I wasn't being ODD enough and I had to be tougher and I thought he was so strong because he could break things and hurt people without feeling bad about it and get himself to do it. Mom told me he was not strong, he is a bully.

I have boundary issues. I don't respect authority--never have. I have had this problem a lot. For me I have to focus like a hawk on exactly what my responsibility is, bite my tongue when dealing with supervisors, and let other people (people on the same level as me) do what they want. If I have a problem with a supervisor, I have to play the conversation out in my head before speaking so that I don't sound too angry or like I am trying to buck the system. I make sure that I time the conversation just right, at a time convenient to them. I'm better at writing than speaking, so e-mail works sometimes too. When I am in authority, I can be short with people but so people consider me bossy. I have to work on that too. So yeah...you are not alone. I don't think I necessarily copied anybody when developing my assertive persona, but I definitely have mastered the body language and way of speaking that sends the message, "Don't mess with me." It is appropriate for some situations but not others. The softer approach usually works better with colleagues, I've noticed. I would like to master that. It sucks being on edge at work, wondering if you have made any enemies or made the boss angry.

I'm not very assertive in person but I guess in my emails I am, both times it's been emails. I just say it how it is... Gets me in trouble.

Think a lot of people on the spectrum copy/mimic others to adapt.
But often pick those who stand out the most and can end up over doing it that way.
When I started on posting on forums, decided best to use moderators as example since they follow rules.
But what happened is received warning for breaking the rule of being a "backseat moderator".
Said they knew was only trying to be helpful bout overstepping bounds.

Most leaders are more afraid of someone showing authority than they are of not doing work.

I learned from people who had authority, because who would learn from people without authority. I was too bossy, but it worked for the bosses. My lesson was that I needed more social status.

I have the same problems sometimes too. If it's clear that i have more experience /knowledge of something i tend to get bossy, I try to hold it back when i realize it's happening. That said, when put in a leadership role i have actually gotten complements for being a good leader... Seems to be all about time and place for me.

I copy people occasionally too, but more the way they talk and some of their expression than the whole high-level "communication style". I also try to adapt to whatever communication I am doing. For example, my mother is very good at smalltalk and that kind of social conversation, I tend to speak like her when I have to endure such chitchat. Another friend of mine is a very good orator when he is explaining things he is interested in (often he is even a bit too good and engaged in what he's saying, to the point where I sometimes wonder if he may be on the spectrum. He does not really seem to have social impairments but clearly he is even more hyperfocused than me.), I copy his mannerisms when I have to expose my knowledge in public. A coworker of mine has a slow and very soft voice, in an almost hypnotic way ; it is sometimes annoying (when you want to get to the point and he's too slow) but it's both clear and very soothing, so I try to adopt his manner of speaking when I am trying to explain something to someone who doesn't get it (instead of getting irritated). When I am into deep, important conversations or decision, I use various "heroic" movies and videogames characters to sound like I am really into it.

So my advice would be to vary your models or to find another person to mimic for your work role. There are ways to be assertive without being bossy, and there are probably some people around you who embody them.


On the other hand, in the same line of what ThorAlex says, being a good leader (or a good person in a professional hierarchical environment) is not something that comes naturally even to many NT. Many good bosses used to be bad bosses and eventually learnt to get better. Being in a hierarchical structure and communicating with another person in it in a way that is respectful both to you, to the other person and to the social structure is a non-trivial social skill for both NT and autistic people. (The problem is, not so many people are interested in actually learning that skill, because many NT people don't care about the other person and most autistic persons don't care about the structure.) But there are training and self-help books on the topic.

The missing element is "social status". At a job, you are not allowed to use the communication style of a superior unless you are one.