Trouble with knowing what love is

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Hello, I just made this account as I found this website. I am a senior in highschool, and I have known I have aspergers since I was around 8. I have trouble with my family. Though just one parent as that is my life. My father is, quite frankly a word I'm not going to say. And my mother is a pain as she loves my brother more then me. And It isn't a secret though she will deny it to the moon and back. I know it is true, I bug her. My father is much more open about admitting my brother is his favorite. Even for birthdays he shows his love by, calling me. and for my brother... Oh, an xbox. I don't really care though. I am not really a part of my family, I dont really like my father or my brother. I do "love" my mother though. But I don't really know what that is. I have trouble with emotion. I really don't have them for starts. I am very mellow and not caring, almost as if I'm on drugs, which is the last thing I would want. I am very cautious about anything. My mother will have wine at the special occasions and offer some to us. My brother will have some but I refuse. I refuse to do drugs and have had some kids try to even give me some from school. I dont do anything... not sure if this forum is appropriate for talking about it, but lets just say I dont and refuse to do the thing that probably every other teen boy does. I just don't like things that can change people. I never curse, as I feel it is something for unintelligent people, people who just aren't good natured. I don't know I'm very strict with myself. Not really sure, but that's not what I'm talking about. So my mother has yelled at me about "Not showing love to my brother" Which I can't stand because honestly I dont. Even not knowing what love is, I don't like him. He is a spoiled brat who gets everything his way and hasn't gotten trouble in his life. He is her "baby" But he is 15 and needs to grow up. Here is the thing, I don't know what love is... at all. I know about the word and I know, you're suppose to feel something, but I don't. Not even with my mother, I do like her, and I enjoy being around her, but I don't love her. If she thinks me not loving my brother is a problem, bet she has no idea I hate my father and don't really love her. I have and am dating someone right now, though it is not 100% dating. We don't go out, but we do hang together. She is the closest I am to loving, but I don't understand it. She is very understanding of me, and we have been together for about 2 years now. I have kissed her, but not a making out kiss, like a little kiss on the cheek or lips, but I find making out disgusting. I do have problems with touch and being close together. We have this little thing where she says if she is going to come up behind me and hug me she will tell me first, I just have lots of problems with it. But with everything, and the contradiction of my username as we do game together a lot. I dont feel like I love her.

The emotions I feel are, Happy, excited, sad and angry. Though I have a hard time determining Happy from excited and sad from angry. The word love has been broken for me, and I don't know if it is my aspergers or my family or both. I can say it fine, and I say to my girlfriend I love her, to my mother I love her. and when she forces me to I say I love my brother. I hear m father sometimes say he loves me and my mother. But I just feel like it is a random word. Just a word with no meaning. I hate talking about this to anyone, and I never mention my aspergers to anyone, I'm embarrassed to even hear it, I feel like it is a degrading term. Something that makes me feel embarrassed about which is something I do feel a lot. I have a counselor but I never talk to them. In fact I get in trouble for not talking and saying the one word answers. If it has to do about my "disability" as my mother says I will blush and refuse to talk. That is why I am saying this online. Because I feel no one knows me. No one can judge me. So I just want to know, does anyone else have these experiences. Does anyone even know what I am talking about or am I crazy.

Also I am new here and wasn't really sure where to post this, If it is wrong can a mod please change it? I saw love and dating, but this isn't REALLY about that. Not sure though. Anyway thanks.

Welcome to Wrong Planet! You sound incredibly brave. And much more articulate than I was at your age.

People often get more general responses where you posted, from what I can tell. And that's fine. There is a teen section, but I get the impression you kind of want to know if it ever ends.

I can't say that suffering ends, but some things improve, what you're describing I think absolutely can get better. I think those of us that were absolutely despised growing up don't get past that, maybe can go around, I don't know, but not past. I believe that people not understanding each other can get better, though.

About your mom, is it possible she doesn't know how to connect, rather than not loving you? And about talking to your counselor, I remember being 18 and unable to talk to a counselor, and he got annoyed. I don't think he understood about autism and Aspergers though. Is it possible to do something different, have someone you trust more join you, or change counselors, or for the counselor to talk more? The speech therapists call it scaffolding, helping someone have a conversation. And for someone who has trouble talking and relating, that's essential to relate and build trust, unless you can go around that by doing an activity together. It's really stressful trying to talk about difficult things and communicate and it doesn't work, and somebody who makes that easier is really precious to have in your life. I wondered if maybe your girlfriend relates well and understands you?

Try not to be hard on yourself, you seem like you're doing your best---that's enough!!

About love...you're not alone. Yes, love is a real thing, it's not just a word, it covers a whole range of emotion. But it can (can) be a real problem for people who just don't feel it. It can be a problem for people with AS.

My ex is still baffled by the word (we're middle-aged). And it took me a long time to accept that he really does not feel anything akin to what I feel when I love someone. (Still not 100% convinced, but convinced enough.) I do remember a very strange, moving, and somewhat alarming scene the night he told me he loved me, though -- the moment was weirdly all about himself, and he was just crying and crying. He's since told me he doesn't love me, doesn't love anyone, doesn't know what the word means, and pestered me pretty aggressively for a while about how I was teaching my daughter what the word meant.

What he says is that there are people -- a few people -- that he cares about, wants them to be okay. That's not really the same thing, though -- to care is to have a personal investment: he needs the people he cares about to be okay, and he needs those people (though if they aren't okay, or are difficult for him, that eventually exhausts him and he has to back off, stop caring). Loving is a form of appreciation. I still love most of the boyfriends I've had, even though there's no way I'd get back with them.

I wouldn't feel bad about it -- if you don't feel it, you don't feel it, and you don't have to apologize to anyone about it. I'd suggest that if you want peace of mind, and if you want your mom to have peace of mind, that you not stop saying to your parents. But don't say it to new people -- girls -- if you don't feel it, because they'll believe you and imagine a whole lot of things that aren't true, and when they finally discover that it isn't, they're very likely to feel betrayed, even used. If you were friends, you probably won't be after that.

Feel what you feel and don't be ashamed of it.

I wonder about this too. I'm not sure if I've actually experienced "love".... even towards my family. I feel like I need to look up a list of the "symptoms" of love and see if they match the feelings I have towards people to know if I love someone.

I just don't know what love feels like..... or if I have felt it, I don't recognize it as love.

I have no doubt I feel love, I think it's easy to confound the difficulty identifying emotions many Aspies have and the difficult experiences that make getting enough love difficult so it might seem the ASD makes love impossible.

GamingAlone, you wrote that the word love has been broken for you, that your father is awful and your mother loves your brother more than you. There are people who can't feel or express love. But what I am reading is confusion, disappointment, fear, and maybe hope, too.

Please keep trying to explore your world!