Coming out Aspie

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this last week and a half has been the most horrifying, enlightening and saddening days of my life. Thing is, I can't hide away from who I am and I can't commit the harmful act of not being who I really am.

For the first time in my life, after treating it like a mental condition, after trying to burying it underneath and even hating myself for it, I'm emerging into the open as who I really am because I can't fight it anymore.

Hi all. I'm a near middle-aged Edmontonian and I'm on the spectrum. I felt this was a shame since I was growing up ... I've tried to think I was just like everyone else growing up, thinking I could become part of a regular tribe, find a normal girlfriend and wife and even live my life with a normal career. But ... when I finally admitted to this myself ... I realize I'm not like everyone else. I know no matter how "normal" I am, I'm always going to be looked upon by others as being on the outside. Even other nerds, weirdos and sub-cultural members of a sort will look upon me as someone who shouldn't be there. And ... when I think about it, I have to come to terms with that. I'm autistic by nature, biologically, and it isn't something I can shake like an adopted identity or discard it like old clothes. I'm autistic and, until now, I was ashamed of it. But, now, I must embrace it and truly be who I am.

I don't want a "community" for the sake of being around people; I want to be a part of a tribe that helps me grown and learn. I don't want "girlfriend"; I want a partner that satisfies me sexually, intellectually and, when the rare need arises, emotionally. I don't want a "career"; I want find my calling and earn not only money but find fulfillment from paid in self-respect, joy and challenge. I don't want what everybody else wants. I don't think I EVER wanted what everybody else wanted. I want to truly be me. I want to get out of life what I think I deserve.

I no longer just want "to live with" aspergers. I no longer want to stay convinced there is something wrong with me. I no longer want to spend my life being miserable trying to be somebody anybody else needs me to be.

My name is YakuzaMonroe and I'm on the spectrum. And it has been and always will be my best and most endearing quality.

Of course, you are a person, first and foremost.

It's ridiculous to "shame" somebody, or "shame" yourself because you are a person with autism/Aspergers.

Congratulations on making that very important realization.

If you are really are 35 you may have plenty of time to meet all your goals.

In the 20 years since 35 I've had a 15 year relationship, bought and paid for a home, and have saved/invested for retirement.

I know, right? When I think about it, that in itself wasn't necessary. Growing up with my family, it was shamed as just naturally stupidity.

I'm really glad those people are no longer in my life. Like, really, that's how a lot of this started.

It's ended now, though. I have a cool group of friends, a few of which are aspies like me.

I think so too (and I am 35). That's the fortunate thing about being this way, having the natural intellect, drive and realization to make life the way I want it to be. There's a lot I want to and still can do.