I want to be emotionless

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I want to not feel.
I want to not worry.
I want to not care.
I want to be free...

I feel to much.
I worry about everything.
I care more than I should.
I will never be free...

I wish I wish on a shooting star
that this pain of loneliness will subside.
To meet people who deal with as much as I
This is the only place I feel free...

Thank you everyone on Wrongplanet for giving me a place to go when I feel like I am the only person like me on this planet. I would love to live with others and to feel connected but my forever path of destruction and failure keep luring behind me. It is nice to know I am not alone anymore, at least in the sense that I have people to seek help and advice and so fourth. Thank you.

please keep talking

I wanted to be emotionless too for a long time. It's so hard to care, especially when it's usually not reciprocated. But I realized that the emotions I have are the only thing that keeps me from becoming a monster. I made a choice to surrender to the emotion rather than surrender to the monster.

I too have always cared too much about everything then couple that to good logic that tries to anticipate every action and reaction, good or bad.its a good recipie for anxietys and stresses.
I often wished i could just shut it off,but i feel it makes me more human than most people.lie ,cheat,steal,abuse,take advantage,ect.to me that is not normal.

When I was growing up I really admired Spock on Star Trek. Everything he did was filtered using logic. Maybe Vulcans were really Aspies in disguise.

It's been shown that humans, even autistics, make most decisions based on instincts and emotions & then justify those decisions after the fact with logic, not the other way around.
We just tend to be better at rationalizing than our allistic counterparts, that's all.
Sorry to burst your bubble.

Frankly, it was a big shock for me to realize that this is actually the case, but it really is and if you seriously look closely & objectively at how you make most decisions, you'll realize that it's true.

Interesting.

I wrote this in 2006. I am going to go to see if I can 'officially' be diagnosed with Asperger's tomorrow.
In the past I have been 'diagnosed' with General Anxiety, depression, social anxiety/phobia, etc.
No one ever mention Aspergers (and I've been in the mental health system since the 1970's since before that was a term)

I'm waiting for my turn to die.
Whenever I read about an innocent bystander being killed in an accident or random act of violence,
I wish it would be me. I have been ready for 30+ years now.

I want need or desire nothing.
Any opinions I express are dismissed and ignored at home and work.

Why bother

If nothing gives you pleasure
if you're are happiest alone in darkness and silence
if you don't want to be looked at or touched
if you are not heard

why bother

if you look forward to nothing
if no one needs or wants you
if your voice is ignored
if you have no desire to change

why bother

if you would not be missed if you were gone
if people would be relieved when your gone
if your existence means nothing to anyone
if you don't care to change

why bother

I can understand pessimism; God knows I've experienced it by myself and others.

I hope you know your strengths. For you have them. That's a reason to bother. Futility in the workplace? Inevitable! However, there's always Life after Work!


I bother because, otherwise, I will stay in a stagnant, smelly shell. Nobody else will clean up my life.

I bother.....because there's Nature to experience, without the input of other humans.

I bother.....because, otherwise, I'll never eat ice cream again.

I bother......because there's so much out there to learn in many fields.

I bother......because it's better to bother. I don't care if I'm not heard; I'll be heard by somebody or some thing.

My idea of 'bothering' seems to be a pattern of going through the motions.

I work for a place that does NOT want feedback, good bad or otherwise.
They literally tell you that.
Have a suggestion about how to improve a process? they DO NOT care.
I've been here 23 years. I'm a federal employee and I'm not kidding about this

I wrote that essay in 2006. My son has since left home, graduated high school, college and is living and working on his own (okay he's still on my health insurance and cell phone plan!. He has finally realized that I only ever meant well by my diatribes to him about whatever I was 'preachy' about at the time. I'm grateful that he is not like me. He is the person I wish I could have been.

Nature??? the smells and noises literally make me sick. Yes, I can smell grass, bushes, etc. There are a few that don't 'hurt' (honeysuckle), but there are some very common ones that I can't avoid just walking around my urban neighborhood (boxwood bush anyone - aka 'cat pee' - gives me a headache and makes my eyes hurt and there is no way to avoid this reaction. Smell of freshly cut grass is horrible for me.

outdoor sounds - anything relating to lawns (mower/weeder/trimmer) is unbearable for me. Birds - I don't want to hear that either. they come in all tones from all directions. It's an onslaught for me.

Ice cream - I can't eat anything cold like that. Hurts my teeth/gums or what's left of them. I have a full upper denture now. Going to dentist soon to see what to do about bottom teeth (several missing, have a bridge)

I have never been an enthusiastic eater, and now that I hardly can taste food (with a denture) what little pleasure I got from eating has ebbed. I eat to live, not live to eat

Sorry to sound like a downer, but it's hard to exist for me. I'm almost 53 so I've been dealing with this for a long time.

I go through the motions

OK, we're talking about a work of fiction here so I have to be careful.

Vulcans do feel emotions, they just keep them under tight control using various mental disciplines including the application of logical thinking. Personally I think it's impossible for a human to follow such a path because bottling up all feeling like that would drive someone crazy.