Being compared to other People with Asperger's.

Post Reply New Topic

So I'm set up to see a neuropsychologist on May 1st. Well my parents decided to research it and decided my dad is totally the same way and likely is my younger brother. The issue with this is thy they push my dad's experiences and success onto me even though I have very different symptoms from what he ever had. This leads to them telling me what I can and can't do in the realms of my limitations because my dad functions so well. Does anyone else have troubles with being compared. I mean the first time I got evaluated the lady told me I had social anxiety because I talk too well to hav ASD.

Differences:
- I have sensory prosessing issue that he never experienced any.
- I have tons of digestive problems.
- I'm in general teetering more towards moderate functioning than him.

I can't drive even though they keep telling me everyone has to drive. They keep telling me I need a job even though I've tried and never so much get a call back because I look like an idiot I'm sure when I turn in my application. Lastly, they act like I don't need help and that can be depressing. Like I'm making excuses just to be lazy. Why are people so quick to compare a spectrum disorder?

This is something that really annoys me. As a female who struggles with Maths, Science and Computing, is very emotional and sensitive and is what most people would describe as an extrovert, I am a nightmare for people who stereotype Aspergers to an extreme degree However, these people don't see the other symptoms that I have. It's called a spectrum for a reason-no two people with it are exactly the same and it annoys me that people try and dictate what conditions we do and don't have based on a snapshot of who we are as people. In many ways, I am more severely affected by my symptoms than my friend with Aspergers who is highly introverted, calm, laid back and a Maths genius yet people do not dispute his diagnosis because it fits in with their stereotypical view of what Aspergers is whereas I get asked a lot whether I really have Aspergers.

Yeah, this is really a big problem in general. It doesn't help that the media pushes stereotypes of Aspergers onto people (Sheldon in Big Bang Theory and other people in shows or movies). Having a spectrum disorder of any kind means that some will be very high functioning and it may not be outwardly apparent much that someone has a disorder at all but other people may be more severely affected- as well as have very different problems regarding the characteristics affect them. Very frustrating. Especially as a female, since many females express Aspergers differently than males and so many go undiagnosed- it is very frustrating.

Maybe it would help you if you found someone who is familiar enough with Aspergers to explain that to your parents. Or maybe you could find some books or online resources that could explain it to them. Hearing it from you may not be as helpful as hearing it from a source like a book or a "specialist."

I would hate to be compared to others with it as well unless I am better off than they are and more functioning. If they were doing it saying "this aspie went to college and got a degree and has held the same job for over twenty years, if he can do it, so can you so there is no reason to not have an education" yeah that would bother me. But "John Doe has had ten different jobs in the last five years and he is trying to make ends meet and deal with the real world but his sensory system makes it so hard for him to be able to do that and he has a hard time getting along with people and he doesn't have good hygiene and you do because you care about your appearance and you have kept a job and you are married and have kids and he doesn't," wouldn't bother me.

If speaking well were a disqualifier for ASD, most Aspies wouldn't make the cut.
People tend to project, and thus tend to believe that what works for them will work for you.

It's annoying, no doubt.
Worse, when you explain your limitations to them and how you have learned to cope, they basically either accuse you of lying ("you can just do the thing, you just need to buckle down & force yourself!" "No, if I could 'just do it', I would. I can't, I have to take another route. f**k off.") or instantly think they have the solution ("Oh, I've had that problem, all you have to do is blah, and it's easy!" "I've tried blah, and meh, and bleh, and etc., and I'm telling you what works for me is really annoying, slow blah") , as if you hadn't tried every other way before settling, finally, on what, although it may be slow & annoying, actually works for you.

Sensory issues are, imho, the core feature of ASD.
Without them you're just talking about socially awkward allistics, not autistics.

Digestive issues, though often co-morbid with autism, are not part of or related to autism per se.

On the other hand significant, regular impairment of functionality caused by ASD symptoms is a requirement for being diagnosed.
Yes, high-functioning autistics are often called lazy, and told that we're just making excuses, when in fact many of us are prevented from doing everything we want to and/or are supposed to by our symptoms.

This is, of course, exacerbated when we are then compared to other high-function autistics who function better & more easily than we do, as if because their executive functioning isn't impaired nearly as badly that that should mean that it's possible fo us to attain that.

My solution?

Repeat the phrase 'neurological disorder' over & over & over until it finally sinks in that each autistic is different with different issues & talents because each of our brains is miswired in its own unique way and that our problems are hard-wired neurological issues & not merely psychological issues, neuroses, or chemical imbalances which can be overcome with therapy, diet, drugs, mental effort, and/or acts of will.

Developing coping mechanisms, therefore, involves acknowledging and accepting the issues for what they are & working within their parameters or working around them, but either way there's no fixing or removing the issues, per se, only leaning how to deal with their continued presences and function more effectively given the limitations those presenses impose.

For me, this often involves thinking around things, making deals with myself, letting some things slide in exchange for the ability to do other slightly more important things, planning some things out in advance quite a bit while deliberately not thinking about other things, deliberately avoiding certain things in order to be able to pay attention to other things, making sure I have everything I need including money so I'm not blocked from doing things for lack of resources, forgiving myself constantly every time I screw up and when I fail at this, and a whole host of other bits of mental & behavioral gymnastics which allow me to cope with my many serious functionality issues and function halfway decently, sort of, some of the time if I do it right & I'm lucky.
Sometimes, rather frequently in fact, I fail.

I'm still trying though, still plugging along.
Still trying to explain to the allistics around me that I'm not lazy, I'm not making excuses, and since I told them that I am autistic up front and did my best to explain the fact that it might cause problems they need to accept that it is, in fact, causing problems.

For the most part, if I'm giving someone a hard time it's blatant and often stated outright.

Otherwise, this is nearly always the case:
I am not TRYING to be difficult.
I AM difficult. (For everyone to deal with, most espcially myself.)

Thank you for replying everyone. I practice really hard to get by but I still have lots of meltdowns and I stim constantly. I also try not to question the lack of sensory problems in my dad because he has the complex stims and obsessive interests and social lackings autistics can suffer. Instead I just keep trying to push that he and I are different and that inevitably I need more help than he did.

Is it possible to be moderately functioning with asperger's... Like moderate to high functioning, because I always felt that more appropriate to describe me but I wasn't sure? I always though the term high functioning sets up some standards I'm not ready to meet.

I hate it when people compare me to Daryl Hannah. Just because I'm good looking, have blonde hair and wear an eye patch doesn't mean our autism is anything alike.

We do have identical Hanso swords, but that's a complete coincidence.

High functioning doesn't necessarily mean your dad's level of functioning. For instance, you are still high functioning to others on the autism spectrum. You are part of the highest functioning part of the Autism spectrum. But there will still be people in that part of the spectrum (those with Aspergers) who are more high functioning than others. So you can break down the Aspergers spectrum by itself from lower functioning people with Aspergers to higher functioning people with Aspergers. Even the lowest functioning of those people will be likely to be higher functioning than other people on the Austism spectrum.

So, yes, you can be moderate to high functioning for someone with Aspergers. It can and does seriously impact many Aspie's lives and their ability to function. Just there are some Aspies who are exceptionally high functioning. Don't let that bother you. Don't let them bother you and make you feel bad because you are struggling.

Another thing is that many people with Aspergers find things become easier as they get older and their functioning improves. That could happen with you too. Happened with me. I still struggle, but it is much better than it was when I was a child and much better than it was in undergrad too. Just have to try to keep improving and supporting yourself. And we are all here to support you too!

Some of my symptoms are worse as I have gotten older. And I am very high functioning so it can be really brutal. I always get compared with NT's because if people know my symptoms they still can't get it into their heads that my symptoms are really as debilitating as they are. Apparently if you look NT no matter what you say or how you are some people just expect you to be able to be NT.

I don't know, right now I'm trying to get SSI hopefully so I can take care of myself if anything happens to my parents. I mean because I'm only considered AS for not having a language delay. I'm actually horrific in my day to day functioning. I had another meltdown today because my brother are the pint of ice cream and the Gatorade I bought at the store. I can't lose controls, in sensitive to sound, taste, texture, and bright colors. I also rarely talk in front of strangers and at restaurants my parents order for me. I've often communicated via text messages on my iPhone as well, I'm considering a text to speech app in the near future. I don't feel like I fit in because almost everyone with asperger's seems more functional than me.

Wow, I almost could have written this myself, except my dad is the only "bully" in my family and luckily my mom is more accepting. I'm sorry your whole family thinks that way about you. I made the mistake of telling my dad that he very well could be on the spectrum too, and the next thing I knew, he started insisting that if he could do something then so could I. I get the same kind of comments about driving, working (even though the doctor who diagnosed me said I was very unlikely to ever be able to handle a job and strongly suggested that I apply for SSI), and being lazy. Earlier today he made a rude comment about a commercial on TV with a person who was portrayed as lazy. My dad has fewer sensory issues than I do, is better at small talk, has better executive function, doesn't really get any/much social exhaustion which is a major problem for me, has less anxiety, and doesn't have the same problems judging distance and speed or other navigational problems I have, among other things.

It is very frustrating and makes me feel really bad. I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't really. Maybe it would help if your whole family could be there for your results. If you feel comfortable, you could even ask the doctor to explain how people on the spectrum are all different. My dad was not present to hear my doctor explain everything, but it might have helped.