Being something you're not doesn't always work

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I often get the same old cliche ''try to be confident and charismatic'' when on other discussion sites (not so much Autism sites, I mostly get this from NTs). But I have learnt that being something I'm not just makes me do more social faux pas than what I would of done if I had just kept quiet. I am a shy, quiet person and that's that, and any confidence I want can be learned gradually, not just forced upon.

A few years ago I started my first voluntary job, and on my first day I decided I'm not going to be the quiet, shy, boring me. I thought instead I might try to be more talkative. I thought it was working, and I was quite pleased with myself because I did feel like I fitted in quite quickly, until I found out I got talked about behind my back a lot, and a trusting friend told me that they were saying that I am very nosy (although she didn't think I was, and I think she did stick up for me). I know full well that I am not a nosy person at all, in fact I am not interested in people's personal private business anyway, unless they are telling me specifically, and even then I don't ask that many questions because asking questions is something I struggle with. But I tried to be more confident, which means I tried to join in and speak up in group conversations rather than always sitting in the corner quietly like a mouse. And this got misinterpreted as being nosy, which I was not intending to be.

This is what happens when I try to be something I am not. I don't gain much out of it and just get misinterpreted as having quirks I know I do not have, like being nosy, cheeky, greedy, lazy, all of that sort of thing. Has this happened to anybody else? As an introverted Aspie, what happens when you have tried to be more outgoing than you naturally are? Do you sometimes feel like you are going ''out of your depth''?

I often act more introverted than I really am because I'm afraid of saying something stupid.

I don't know how to be anything other than the me that I am. I can't even imagine how I would go about pretending to be something else. I mean, I can put on silly cartoonish characters and playact, but I couldn't pretend to be a different sort of real person, I would have no idea where to begin.

No point in me repeating what has already been said, so ^ THIS.
This is exactly how it is for me.

When I was in school, I tried analysing the popular NTs around me in order to copy their behaviour in such a fashion that I won't be treated in a way that made others consider me as a less valuable person. Needless to say, it was a failure as I couldn't really tell what exactly made them "popular" and accepted. All I could do was try to become more open in a way that made me very tired. But I was still ignored and standing outside of the conversating crowd (I think you know that, the effect of the "slowly closing circle of conversating people" putting you into second - if not third - row), so I thought, why give an eff and just make myself unnecessarily tired by trying to fit into people which seem to have no respect (that's how I perceived it) and just mind their own business?

Ironically, just after I gave up trying to fit in, the teacher (due to increased bullying) replaced a lesson by an activity in which everyone could (anonymously or with name if I recall correctly) write something on a sheet with the name of someone of the class. Those sheets were going around the classroom so that everyone could comment on what they think of the person in an "honest way". Every sheet had a "positive" side and a "negative" side when flipping. One had to write on both sides of the sheet - and if one had nothing to label as negative (or positive), mention that.

What I read on mine was that noone thought of me as any mean person at all (rather the big opposite, helpful, kind, calm), on the negative side of the sheet was (almost stereotypical) "very quiet and introvert" and the typical sentences/"tips" that proved that barely anyone even realized my efforts and the energy I wasted during that past year, the efforts that just ended barely any two or three weeks before that action.
It was all "Get out of your shell!" "You should do something and socialise more" "You're always next to the group and not participating at all" "Don't make yourself an outsider" "Don't always listen to music" "Don't just do your own thing, try to participate in conversations" (well, if they had any interesting topics besides relationships, pets, how annoying *insert name is*, Call of Duty and celebrities, just something with more depth, it would have been certainly much easier).
I can't help it but... "duh". I think it summarizes it pretty well.
Unfortunately, at that time I didn't know about the autistic spectrum (believe it or not, though the positive part about this is that I had no stereotypes about it either) and although my teacher in elementary school already clearly noticed that I'm very different compared to my peers, she didn't seem to know all too much about it either and later on on the "gymnasium" (I think that should be equal to high school, both junior and senior high(?)) I had a teacher that knew something about it and suspected it but didn't voice it until my last year of school (unfortunately)... I think that - just maybe - it could have cleared up things for me earlier (also leading to me signing up here much earlier and getting more advice from like-minded people).

At least I got a pretty big satisfaction seeing the sheet of the bully I really despised. You could say, he got (albeit not verbally or physically) bullied in a way for once in that session (I wonder if that was the goal of the teacher?), the comments on his positive side being very obviously somehow forced (many times even a "I don't think I can think of anything positive") and the comments on his negative side being very harsh at times ("You're an egoistic prick." "You're trying too hard to be popular." "You're a heartless and mean person!" "You should see how you're acting on a recording, because it's definitely NOT cool!" "I wonder if you could even take yourself at times" are those that I still remember and it was really uplifting seeing rather positive stuff on mine - especially since the majority of the class at some points during my school carreer liked to join in to the bullying).
Oh and I might have to add something amusing: The very harsh comments were actually by (what I considered) the nicer and calm-natured people of my class.

Guess I steered a bit off-topic at some point and exaggerated by writing a novel here.

Long story short: I'm not unwilling to try to socialise, but if the people don't appreciate my efforts (and the fact it makes tired) and are unwilling to accept my limits and limited social skills, I surely see no point in even considering to waste time doing that and prefer to spend it doing what I can do best: Enjoy it with my special interests (if possible).

You must be who you are.

However, that doesn't mean you can't experiment with change in directions you want to improve.

Yes, Aspies should be tought how to be assertive and to deal with large groups. That's something that's sorely lacking here on WP.

Sometimes it's not you at all and it's the other person. You can use a social skill other people use and you may happen to do it to the wrong group of people and they don't like it and that can be asking them questions about themselves. I think we sometimes take things too personal thinking we did something wrong when in fact we didn't and it's just the other person with the problem.

I was on the train once going to work and this man taps this young woman on the shoulder to get her attention because he thought she dropped something only to get chewed out by her. She screamed at him and told him how it's rude to invade peoples personal space and she doesn't like being touched on her shoulder but her going on and on about it being a broken record made me so uncomfortable I was thinking she was insane and had problems so I got out of my seat and moved all the way to the other side of the train where I could barely hear her. If I were the man, I would have just walked away too or just take out a book to read or my game ignoring the yelling. But instead he just sat there and did nothing and said some things back to her. I just hope it didn't affect the guy too much he would be too afraid to alert anyone they dropped something and then that person sees they don't have their hat or gloves or pen or ticket because no one told them they dropped it.

I also tried to change when I was a kid thinking kids will like me more and I will get more friends and be normal but it didn't work. But the outcome was I felt better about myself ad it did get me to teach myself social skills by reading books about it and what showing off is and being a bad sport and everything so I would be a better person and trying to copy what nice people do because I wanted to be a nice person. I would look at other people and decide if I want to be that person by doing that behavior or be this other person and I did the same with TV characters too. I don't want to be Cruella De Vil so I won't be pushing people aside like they are a door or smoke or ignore people when they say good morning or call people names like imbecile or just walk into someone's home without ringing their doorbell and waiting for someone to come to the door. It was a lot easier looking at villains or bad people and not doing what they do because it was easy to assume that behavior is bad. Also if I heard bad stories about a person, I would learn to not do what that person does people are complaining about or else I would be a bad person and I wanted to be a good person. Yeah that is how I taught myself. I watched Shallow Hall in theaters when it came out and I learned it's shallow to only want someone for their looks and not want them if they have something you don't like such as being fat so when my ex boyfrineds were fat, I was still with them because it would be shallow to not want them because they are fat. Then I met my husband and he was fat too and I refused to be Shallow Hal so I kept dating him. I only go by their personality and how they treat me and how well we get along like it's supposed to be the movie explained. But I do this for myself because I feel better about myself and there are people out there I do not want to be so I use them as a role model for how not to be. I don't do this to impress people or to get friends or else I will be so disappointed if the results are still the same.

Or if the Aspie has lower social status than the person who the Aspie took the example from.

This, this, this. I'm still struggling with it to this day. I was in a co-ed Softball league and this one guy was a loud, egotistical, pseudo-Alpha guy who had the ladies literally clinging to him on the bench. I tried to emulate his confidence and his loud, dominate behavior and it was a monumental failure. It was like I was literally invisible to people went I did it. I still can't figure out what people see in such a person and why people blindly follow him. It's not like he was a manager or captain either like I was.

I also tried to follow the Guidance Counsellor's advice to be big and tough in school and as I said, it was like an 18 year old kid who never played football in the NFL trash talking and arrogantly boasting about himself. It was some of the worst advice I was ever given and have the concussions to prove it.

I don't much...I pick up certain stims.

This is true for me as well.

For me being something I'm not not only never worked it was nearly impossible to do
at all even if I wanted to.

Attempt to be someone else at your own risk

yep

For me, it never works.

So I'm just going to be simple nerdy me.

That's the problem with those f***ing counselors. Their NT, we're aspies. They have no f***ing clue how are brains work and end up giving us just utterly useless advice.