Lashing out vs withdrawal

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I see the psychologist this week so I'm going through my list of issues in the context of ASDs

One thing I seem to lack that seems common among auties/aspies is meltdowns and lashing out. I will occasionally have periods of intensity that I suppose could be called mild mild meltdowns. But in general, any stressors cause me to shut down instead of blow up. I also seen that lashing out, such has hitting, throwing things, breaking things, and other unacceptable behaviors are common. Again, I usually just shut down. While sometimes I my feel like smashing things, I never do.

In part, I think this may be because such 'bad' behavior was beaten (literally) out of me at a very young age. Stimming was a no-no but did not always result in a smack down. But anything showing the slightest bit of anger, defiance, or destructiveness would have garnered a painful response from my parents. Can an autistic so thoroughly learn to suppress such behaviors? It seems losing control it is almost involuntary for many.

dude I dont know. i still have behaviours now and i'm 30,

I tend to shut down rather than meltdown but then again I have learned not to take on more than I can handle. My father was a screamer and I was frightened of him and that always sticks in my mind as a negative thing I want to avoid. I have however, and frightened my son who was able to express that to me (something I was never able to do with my father). ADHD medication helped me, I think because it reduced the mental overload. Anyway, I have always been very aware of the consequences of losing my temper so as a rule I don't. But still, they say depression is anger tuned inwards and that's a battle I've faced my whole life.

Though like you I tend to shutdown rather than melt down, I do also have occasional meltdowns. They almost always occur as a result of my shutdown process being interrupted or stalled by outside influences. My meltdowns range in intensity from throwing my stuffed carebear at the wall in a huff, to screaming mean things at people, to destroying objects, hitting walls, hitting my head against the wall repeatedly, and hurting myself. My last meltdown, I stabbed my cell phone with a dagger and dragged my writing desk outside and lit it on fire, and smashed a plastic lawn chair into about a hundred pieces by stomping on it repeatedly.

So I have meltdown behavior, and it is uncontrollable for me. It's like when I get to that point I'm on autopilot, no longer fully conscious of what I'm doing. And in my almost 30 years, I have not learned to control it any better. Nor have my parents or doctors or shrinks been able to suppress my tendency to meltdown, except by heavily medicating me.

I used to lash out violently when I was a kid... usually by additional stress from bullying or the like would literally send me into a blind rage, however i've learned to control it much better, I simply had to, else I would be sitting in prison today.

What helped for me was video games, the more violent, the better. Getting into gaming was literally the best thing that happened to me, as I had another vent for the anger while getting better at the given game at the same time. Dealing a headshot in CS or blowing someone apart in UT was simply satisfying.

I haven't had a meltdown/lashout in years, first and foremost because there is less stress (no bullying), but also since I have extended my "fuse" considerably due to the continouous stress I have gone through

there are two exceptions, though; if people threaten me or if people hit me, then I will instantly start beating them up and not stop before either someone pulls me away or there is nothing but red pulp left.

I cut all my surfboards in half once.

It was in the middle of an existential crisis. I thought surfing was ruining my soul. I'd forgotten about that little incident.

This is it exactly. The consequences of an outburst were ALWAYS negative. Corporal punishment was employed even if I got too excited during a positive thing (too excited about making cookies, for instance "SETTLE DOWN!!" <SMACK> "DON"T CRY OR YOU'LL GET ANOTHER!!")



And THIS. I have life long chronic depression. I attribute it in large part a reaction to the suppression of my true nature and extraordinarily tight control on things like stimming and outbursts.

Turns out my stimming control isn't as good as I thought. Maybe I've become hyper aware, but I find myself doing things all the time. I was walking through a crowded room recently, looked down and saw my hand flapping. It was almost an out of body experience (hmmm ... look at that ... my hand is flapping ... )

smacking me sent me rager and rager until
I bit the hand that hit me, I bit hard
and scratched and did not remember
any of it.

the more they hit the harder I bit
until they called the doc with a needle
and knocked me out.

I can see that in me, but I was indoctrinated early. Pain was introduced as a behavior modifier before I could walk. Or at least that is true to the best of my recollection.

I used to completly shut down and just become a human punchbag for my stepfather.
Ive never become angry, I hate it too much, it would be like being like him.

This is an interesting thought. I really don't like the feeling of anger. It's almost a form of sensory overload so I put in a lot of effort avoiding it.

Thats it as well!, I had never thought of it like that, but its just too much.

I tend to shut down rather than lash out. I had a friend who lashed out at everybody for what seems like no reason at all. I know she's a year younger than me, and she hasn't been around too many people, but I don't want to be that type of person.

I am a lasher outter

The times that I have lost it, it seemed like part of me was driving my actions (like throwing things or pounding my fist on my knee or being verbally aggressive) and another part of me would instantly detach and tell my acting self to stop and be rational (but couldn't).

It sounds like we had similar upbringings. My mom nit-picked every single thing I did. All stims were corrected or made fun of. I tried so hard to be good. Physically, I turned into a robot. I would just sit/stand perfectly still when I was around my parents. By the time I had time to myself, all the energy/anxiety was almost bursting out of me.

I tried very hard to be good. The only times I got in trouble were for saying something inappropriate, or the result of a meltdown/shutdown. My mother would slap my face or make me eat soap if I said something wrong. My dad did the spanking. Most of the spankings were because I innocently forgot a chore, or because I “overreacted” to something. I know now that I was in meltdown many of the times I was spanked. Oh, that made things so horribly worse.

It’s hard to live with an ASD when you have absolutely no outlet. NONE. Not a single flippin one.

I didn’t share this so people would feel sorry for me. That stuff doesn’t hurt now. And I know many people had worse childhood. Maybe a parent will read it and know better.