Dealing with death.

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I'm wondering if anyone else here has trouble showing or feeling emotions after losing a loved one. My father is battling cancer right now, and I have no idea how to relate to him or say things to make him feel better. We've never been particularly close, he's an abusive person and I have a lot of anger toward him, I guess this could be why. Another example I can give is when I lost my grandparents. I was 19 or 20 at the time, and although I felt a small sense of loss I could not cry or show any emotion about it. I've always felt extremely guilty about that. For a long time I would ask myself the question "what kind of person am I"? I care about other people, but I have a really hard time relating to other peoples grief. My wife's Mother died last year and we watched it happen in the hospital, All I could do was sit there with a blank look on my face. I hugged my wife and told her it would be alright, but I really didn't feel anything aside from mild anxiety. I re-played the event in my head a few times because it did bother me on some level, but again I felt like a monster. I've read a few things about lack of empathy relating to ASD, but I'm still new to the idea. I was diagnosed with ASD just a few weeks ago. I'm sure this has been covered at some time or another, but I have to ask the question, am I crazy?

Nobody completely 'knows' how to respond to death, even NTs have a hard time figuring out how to deal with it. Throw something like aspergers in and boy you have yourself some trouble. Your reactions don't seem too far off of what I've heard, although you may just want to say how you feel more often to show people that you care.

Well, the only times I cried were at a couple proper Jewish funerals when I took my turn shoveling dirt on the grave for a bit, and at my grandmother's on my mother's side, because she was the only one of my four grandparents I really cared about, even though she was interred, not burried.
(It's tradition, Jews don't let others bury our dead, the family takes turns with the shovel assuming there's a burial. No, I'm not joking.)

I think picking up the shovel and actually taking part in buring a dead relative, even ones I didn't know very well, really brought the fact of their death home, made it real in a way thats' hard to describe, but definately produced an unexpected emotional response.
My grandmother, on the other hand, I just loved her and I was genuinely sad she was gone, but it was a perfect funeral, we laughed, we cried, we went to her favorite restaurant & ate good food and got drunk in her honor.
She would have been proud.

As for reacting to the grief of others, I don't know.
Grief is a very personal thing, and empathy is often in response to perceptions rather than actual sharing.

If your wife was grieving, but ok, I suspect that your lack of serious concern or pain for her makes sense.
Honest grieving is fine, healthy, and it's not horrible or terrible.
If your wife was in conplete despair, on the other hand, I bet you'd probably feel emotional pain and sadness because it would hurt you to see her that way because you care about her.
Mild anxiety over her perfectly normal grieving is just about right in terms of a response, I would think, given the comparison.

I don't know many husbands allistic or otherwise, who'd grieve the death of the mother in law just because their wife was all upset about it.
Calm down, you're not a monster.

You should deal with the fact that you have anger towards him. Easier said than done, I know. But if you don't deal with it now you will never be able to and you will carry that anger for the rest of your life.
I don't relate to other people's grief. grief is an individual thing. No one feels the same. Most people don't even address grief. It is too hard an emotion to deal with for many...

I don't think people on the spectrum lack empathy/humanity so much as experience it in different ways then NTs.

I do think there may be something to autistics being more detached under certain circumstances. I too do not experience a significant emotional response to death, other then anxiety when it has actually occurred around me (Or I thought it happening to me). But its not the death part that is worrisome. That is like the ultimate undisturbed sleep. Its the transition that can get tricky.

But when someone departs peacefully, or is dead like at a wake or funeral, I know that person is gone, beyond anything I think or do affecting them and so I feel detached. It is the people still alive that may have needs or be in bad shape at those times, and what empathy I have is focused on them.

Everyone has a different reaction to death. I still cry sometimes when I think about my uncle. In a way he was more like my dad than my own father was, and I was pretty close to him. He died of cancer, so it's somewhat similar to the situation you're in.

it might be best to try and speak to him as calmly as possible about the past, to heal the mental wounds before he dies as it coud leave permenent problems for self if he dies without something being said.

as for the original point of this topic, every person;NT or autistic deals with major illnesses and death differently,regardless of neurology wiring; some are implosive and dont show signs of grief whilst others are explosive and show lots of signs of grief, unfortunately there seems to be a social rule that to care for someone whose died or has a major illness a human means; to show outward grief signs and anyone who doesnt is labeled as uncaring and unempathetic that isnt however the case.

grieve in what ever way that feel ok with, dont do it how society or family expects, its like blackmail for family/friends or anyone else to expect someone to grieve outwardly to show care,and what woud anyone respect more if they had a serious illness and were facing their family? woud they want their family to fake how they feel and make a show out of it,or act naturaly; thereby showing them respect and dignity?


am personaly unable to experience grief of people death,and for self the concept of death is an impossible one to understand, however whenever a pet has died have always kicked off big time,nearly smashed a vets surgery up once after seeing the beloved cat of mine PTS due to terminal cancer but was dragged outside by family and restrained,am being honest but woudnt feel anything to the death of parents but any pet rats,chickens,cats etc have ever had- it feels like theyre still alive but have been taken away from self, cant get around the concept.

I agree with that first bit, and I can relate to the rest of your post in regards to this topic.


What affects me more so than a death, is other people (family/friends) and how they're dealing with the death, my empathy is absorbed towards them. Any tears that come down my face is mostly because of seeing other people having a rough time dealing with the death, not because of my feelings towards the loss of the person. What struck me deeper than my best friend's death was seeing and hearing his mother at the funeral. Same goes for when I lost my grandma when I was a kid, my father's emotions got to me more so than losing my grandma.


That's not to say I don't feel a loss or saddened when someone I know passes....I just don't express or display such things in ways like others do.



_

If you ask me. I think aspie's have a better way of handling death then NT's do. NT's like to perform these resurrection rituals called funerals and it's just sickening to see how much work and money goes into doing one of these. Money that could be spent on better things. Nt's seem to have this delusional idea that the more money they spend and the more people that attend the funeral that somehow that will conjure up enough magic energy to induce resurrection or establish a communications link with the dead. As an aspie myself. if someone dies. I would use the quickest and cheapest way of disposing of the body because the fact is, when your dead. YOUR DEAD! enough said. I have attended dozens of funerals and not once have I ever seen the dead rise. I know the loss of a love one can hurt and cause you to do stupid things but reality is reality. you just have to accept it.

Sounds like you have distance from your emotions. I think there's a name for that with regards to autism. But being worried that it makes you a bad person probably shows you're not a bad person, you're just letting your anxiety get away on you a bit which is only natural. While not having as severe examples I find my reactions to things are also sometimes inconsistent and this has also bothered me at times. Like sometimes I've done or said something to upset someone and my brain's just too stubborn to make me feel bad at the time so instead I'll feel bad about not feeling bad. But then a couple of years later I'll remember it out of nowhere and I'll just well up with tears from guilt. I imagine you'll have that strange mixed feeling of both grief and relief one day when you least expect it. Don't forget that an anxious mind prioritises things differently. Unfortunately it can often put the rational and important life events and feelings on hold in order to deal with crap that doesn't really matter in the short term.

Yes. I feel nothing when people around me die. Even my own father. I know should, but I just don't. I just say in my head "that person's gone and I will never see them again." and move on with my day.

My own father was abusive and he died of cancer. I felt like something I had gotten used to was no longer there, but I wasn't sad. My mother was in mourning for the rest of her life but I had pretty much gotten over it within the day.

I hear tell that Aspies have trouble with empathy sometimes bordering on sociopathy (my brothers are both sociopaths), and we can also be coldly logical.

'I was there, now its gone. Tomorrow's a new day.'

I wouldn't worry about it.

Glad I'm not the only one who feels like this.

My father, cremated and then the ashes scattered on the church lawn. Everyone remarked how brave I was but all I was concerned about was getting home in time to watch Dr Who.

My mother, cremated and then the ashes scattered on the church lawn. I had no idea what to do with the urn afterwards so I left it on the wall.

My brother, full military burial. I wanted to help carry his coffin but the parade sergeant running the affair took me aside and explained that they were burying one of their own. I've not visited his grave in three decades and I have no plans to.

As for me, the hospital gets me for organ donation and the rest can go into the hospital incinerator, I don't care.

For me, it's different. If someone close to me dies, all I do now (as an adult) is go solemnly "Oh, damn......." and then smile out of appreciation of knowing the person, NOT out of heartlessness.

Even though I do understand the matter of processional protocol there, that was still quite arrogant of him and sad. There is no reason you could not have at least walked alongside at your brother's funeral. For my grandmother's funeral many years ago, my mother and her two sisters had a private one (family members and plenty of friends) to keep a certain organization from turning it into some kind of event having nothing to do with their being there while thinking of the woman they hardly ever knew as their mother.


No, you are not, and be cautious about buying into something like the "idea" we have no empathy. What many of us tend to lack is a *display* of empathy.

I hated my father for many years, then finally realized he had done as well as possible with whatever he had going as I have ever done with whatever I have going. Today he can admit some of his whippings my brothers and I received are now considered abusive, and I realize the harm I did to my two daughters nearly a half-century ago really just came in another way. He seldom calls me and I have no need or desire to call him, and I just say "Okay" when he ends the call with "I love you." At the same time, however, I must admit I cried a bit yesterday -- Yes, Aspies can cry -- when I was looking for something else and happened to come across an old photo of him holding me on his lap when I was just a few months old. You cannot empathize with someone unless you have first had the same experience, so just see your father as he is and treat him -- actions, not emotions -- as you would want to be treated if you were in his place.

I appreciate all of the replies to this post. My father and I are not on speaking terms at present. It bothers me on some level, part of me wants to call him and get the argument over with so I can stop worrying about it, but part of me says forget it. He will never see things my way ( the logical way) so why bother. He seems to adore confrontation the way I adore peace and understanding. We are polar opposites, and his attitude enrages me. I'm afraid I'll end up saying something really mean, which boggles my mind because why should I care? He never had anything nice to say to me or anyone else for that matter. When it comes down to it..I just don't have the " balls" to do this right now. I have too much going on with my own family to worry about this. My son will never know his grandfather because his grandfather is a heartless and callous person. Its a shame it has to be this way.