Do you have trouble getting over things

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infilove
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28 Apr 2014, 5:07 pm

To be more specific, if someone does something that upsets you in the past, does it take you really long to get over it, sometimes even not at all? For me I find that is the case. I find I get over some things but when it comes to people doing something that is offensive to me, I find I often NEVER get over it unless I actually confront or write to that person, telling them what they did and how it made me feel. For example, I remember when I was in eight grade, a 5th grader who was a crossing guard volunteer would call me names and try to bully me when I would drive past on my bike. The fact that that 5th grader thought it was okay to try to bully someone much bigger and much older still makes me made to this day turning almost 30. Same with other situations that happened even earlier than then. Of course people say you should let go of the past, and I do what ever I can to try to forgive, I found knowing that everyone is innocent helps helps in accelerating the forgiveness process, none then less, without huge effort or actually confronting the person later on, I find I have trouble forgiving people and I will actually sometimes get almost just as mad when the memory pops in my head as the actual event more then one decade ago. Do you find this to be the case with you too?


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Sethno
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28 Apr 2014, 5:17 pm

Aspies can have a serious sense of justice...and injustice.

Knowing something was never resolved and someone "got away with it" can be intolerable.

On the other hand, no, everyone is NOT innocent. There are terrible, terrible people out there who do harmful things of varying severity, and there's no way they can be called "innocent". Take the attitude that everyone is, you're opening a bottle and letting a genie out.


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28 Apr 2014, 6:08 pm

YUP.

Also I struggle with the fact that I would like to let people know how I feel about something that was from the past. But in a neurotypical world that is frowned upon ("it is in the past, let it go.") In many cases if you bring it up, you are viewed as a horrible person for bringing up the past.

By the same token there are some things from the past that I would like to write to the other person and tell them I'm sorry. But even if I could find the person, in most cases I think this could also be frowned upon to go so far as to track the person down and make contact.



kraftiekortie
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28 Apr 2014, 7:11 pm

There are times when untoward things happen to me. This causes undue anxiety. I am not able to get over it until the next day. I have trouble sleeping until then. I could concentrate at work, though.

I also have a generalized anxiety which never goes away.



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28 Apr 2014, 7:13 pm

Someone did something that unintentionally hurt me a few months ago and I felt a tremendous amount of injustice, stewed over it for weeks. Friends could tell I was too upset about it and told me to let it go. I never talked to this person about how I felt, eventually felt better about it, but the relationship with this person isn't the same.


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Aprilviolets
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28 Apr 2014, 7:26 pm

Yes I have trouble getting over past hurts, especially when at the time no one would help so I end up suffering in silence and then I stew over it for a long time.



ImeldaJace
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28 Apr 2014, 8:02 pm

I've been struggling with this a lot lately too. Most of the time I am able to eventually forgive the person, or at least stop having a grudge against them, but I can not ever seem to let go of the situations and events that happened. I feel like somehow the events become separated from the person who did the thing to me. This almost always was the eventual result of some sort of confrontation too, that allowed the person to be separated from their actions in my head. But also it helped if I learned more about the person and could put their behaviors in context.

But what can I do if I can't confront the person about it? What if the person that was mean and hurtful, wether it be intentionally or not, is a superior, like a teacher or boss?



IamRob
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28 Apr 2014, 8:25 pm

Maybe write a note and put it away,just getting it out could help.

I too have a hard time letting go of things,there have been instances in the past where there was some cruelty to animals and i will never forget it but didnt confront them about it.like purposely swerving to hit a cat,i only reminded that person that it was likely someones pet(even if it wasnt it didnt matter) i was furious and have replayed the event in my mind many times.i would have loved to beat the crap out of the person when it happened.



jrjones9933
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28 Apr 2014, 8:31 pm

I feel this. I think that it sometimes relates to my inability to respond effectively to things in the moment, at those times when I have felt overwhelmed by the situation.

I'd like to find a technique to get over stuff more quickly. I copied a quote from a show (IDK which one), and I keep it at the bottom of my To Do List:

Quote:
You can always look back but you can never change the past. Focusing on what tomorrow may bring is how we move forward in life.


I have a lot of negative self-talk associated with things that have gone wrong in the past, regardless of the extent to which I feel responsible for the way they went. Getting over that habit would dramatically increase the pleasure that I take in my life.



neobluex
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28 Apr 2014, 9:38 pm

I never forget (and forgive) a person that annoyed me.



EzraS
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29 Apr 2014, 2:35 am

Some people/things stick with me. But most people/things I quickly become apathetic about and dismiss.



opal
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29 Apr 2014, 2:57 am

I can but it depends on the situation or person.

Usually I give people the benefit of the doubt if they are horrible once or twice, or if there is a really good reason. I find it hard to forgive people that are horrible on multiple occasions. Sometimes it can be subtle things,and I (or others ) convince me I'm overreacting and then I wake up one day and realise what an A...hole that person is, and they are really in my view unforgivable. This probably looks like black and white thinking to an outsider, but its usually taken a long time to get to that point.

I don't know what other people do. Maybe their radar tells them that person is bad news and they stay away from them at the outset, or maybe they find work-arounds that I don't :shrug:



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29 Apr 2014, 4:40 am

I have a hard time letting go, - even if the person, I offended or who offended me is dead and gone.
I have been rather extreme but it is getting better, even though I still struggle... especially with forgiving myself, - but If I have been wronged, it will leave a little warning sign,when I am with that person. It really means, that I haven´t quite forgiven or that I don´t feel absolutely safe, - even years after.


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Last edited by Jensen on 29 Apr 2014, 5:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

Amity
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29 Apr 2014, 5:19 am

Forgiveness is key, though not always possible. Forgetting about it is a less significant step.
Ive made poor decisions, who to trust and what to trust them with; my life has been significantly altered for the worse by the hand of others. I swore I'd never forgive, but I had to, for myself, bitterness was making me too cold and cynical.
Each time I felt angry, I let it happen and let it pass, reminding myself that i was forgiving them so that I could move forward. Exhausting, but worth it to eventually have a more balanced perspective.
Four years later, whenever I'm impacted by these alterations I sometimes get angry and have to let it pass, still reminding myself that I choose to forgive for my wellbeing. I choose to have a positive outlook about this, it shifts the focus and responsibility from the wrong doer onto me. I think forgetting about it works in one off or minor situations. Otherwise it should be remembered without bias.



LastSanityJermaine
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29 Apr 2014, 5:26 am

No matter how hard I try to get over it nope, It is literally implanted in my brain, the only way I could get over is if karma happens to that person and I witness it.



Davvo7
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29 Apr 2014, 5:48 am

I am the same as many of the contributors here. I simply cannot forgive or forget people who have 'wronged' me. Strangely, I often have more of a problem with affronts that were caused by careless or ignorant behaviour rather than deliberate acts. I guess I struggle more with the fact that people should know in this day and age how to treat people, rather than a sh*t just being sh*tty. I can be quite inventive in different ways of dealing with sh*ts to get even.

I must admit though, the person whose actions I cannot forgive on a routine basis is myself. I am far harder on myself than anybody else and remember mistakes and 'wrongs' from decades ago with absolute clarity and also the feelings of shame and embarrasment that went with them.


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