Getting to know my Aspergers Self

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I am going on a couple weeks now of discovering I have Aspergers. I am in my 40s. It has been eye opening to say the least.

This morning I had an experience that pretty much sums up how my life has been going in regards to communication with humans. There was a girl at the cafe in my neighborhood who handed me a lid for my cup of coffee and it caught me by surprise. I repsonded by saying "your good deed for the day". She frowned and walked away. In my head I was trying to come up with something clever to say and it came out as insulting. Before knowing my condition I would have blamed the girl or the city... So I saw this girl again, it just happens she works where I do. We walked towards each other and she turned her head the other way. I want to have a friendly relationship with this girl since we are neighbors and co workers, yet it is highly difficult with the disorder.

I look around my office and notice that people really do not like me. I have no issues with them. I like just about everyone here. Now going back and thinking about the social interactions I have co-workers and my facial expression, which is mostly a frown, it is all making sense to me. I have been completely ignorant to my own emotions and the emotions of people around me. If you asked me yesterday how work is going I would have said, its 'going great, people love me', yet it is actually the compete opposite. I do not think that I am hated as much as I am thinking, but people do not know how to deal with me. They generally think I do not like them.

It has been so bad that I have had women I deeply loved and would have spend my life with run out on me and I never even knew why. First one was because I was too tired to talk to her one night and got off the phone with her, the other was because of "not being emotionally available". I never understood either one of these incidences until now. It seemed silly to me that I would be dumped for the above reasons. I thought I was 100% emotionally available. I would have dropped anything for the girl if I knew she needed someone. now I know I just could not read her.

I'm just typing what my thoughts are here. I really need to get this out. I want to change but I feel that I am always going to have the issues. It makes me want to tell everyone I have Aspergers. To the girl at the cafe, I almost said I'm sorry I have Aspergers and I am poor at communicating. I told my manager at work this and it has made my life a lot easier in the last week but do I really want to go around saying this to everyone? If I do not though, I am just a total as*hole.

-Confused Aspie

I have the same questions. Only recently diagnosed myself, I am also thinking about when I should tell, and who I should tell. With the people I have told, my parents, who in turn have told other family, it seems I am starting to really be understood and appreciated by others for the first time in my life. Although I don't meet much people, what I have been thinking is that with telling someone, I don't really have anything to lose. Normally I am not able to connect or socialise anywhere near normally with people anyway, so without telling I am almost guaranteed to just continue getting nowhere, getting no understanding and being pervasively misunderstood by everyone. What I'm thinking is that if I tell someone, there is at least the possibility that I'll get some understanding from them (and if they don't it's honestly they who have a problem).

Last edited by alwaysnow on 06 May 2014, 1:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

If I were you OP, and I worked with this girl, I would write her a little simple note and say that you did not mean to be offensive about the coffee cup lid at all and I would apologize if I happen to come across offensive. And if you want to be friends with her I would even mention that sometimes you are a little awkward socially but you are a nice person and just have a little trouble sometimes. I have found that if you mention to people that you know you are awkward and that things are a little difficult for you socially and that you know that everybody else knows it they tend to stop being so mean. They sometimes even feel ashamed of themselves.

SkiBum - I have to say that I think that if the OP were to write such a note, she would not be impressed.

GiantStep - you say that it is a couple of weeks since discovering that you have Aspergers. How did you make the discovery?

Why? Don't you think she would understand? If someone wrote me a note like that I would definitely understand. And I would reach out back to them. Wouldn't other people do that too?

I've had women tell me that there is "something missing" in me, and break up with me.

It hurt like heck!

I believe people like Skibum are few and far between. There's a professor I know who, I believe, is "1 in a thousand," and I tell her that all the time. It's quite possible that Skibum, is one of those "1 in a thousand." I believe her assertiveness vis-à-vis her difference will be useful in future advocacy.

Most people would not be so reasonable in this instance. I've passed notes of apology, and have been rebuffed. As far as telling people you are "awkward," I wouldn't do it in most instances. I'm not a cynical person by any means--but I know most people don't possess the sort of insight to understand Aspergians' "awkwardness." This will come later--as awareness of ASD's increase.

In fact, there are some who might escalate the situation further, even to the point of "feeling harassed." I don't believe most people would take that extra step--but the risk is there.

I would never write a note like that. A female can get away with it but if a male does such a thing, it is creepy. I may try to strike up a cslightly forced onversation and bring up my Aspergers to her in a matter of fact kinda way.

I discovered I was AS because someone jokingly called me autistic. I took great offense to it and then said in my head, "wait a minute, I am kinda autistic". Then I thought of a teacher who brought up the term Aspergers to someone in class once. The two lead to me searching...

She may just be embarrassed and not know how to react. Many young people are easily embarrassed.
A little note wouldn´t hurt, - or a little smile and a "Hi".

To OP.
If you discovered, that your expression looks like a frown, try practise expressions in front of the mirror like an actor.
You can train face-awareness, - not to learn to fake it, but to make your facial muscles react and to learn to recognize your own expression. Do some facial gymnastics as well.

I could recommend "An actors work" (1938) by Stanislavskij (father of method acting).
It is about the mental work of an actor, and true action and interaction on stage = real life and how psychology works from outside in and from inside out, told in a very appealing way with a mix of case and theory.
It is fascinating.

"I told my manager at work this and it has made my life a lot easier in the last week but do I really want to go around saying this to everyone? If I do not though, I am just a total as*hole"

GiantStep - one of the biggest problems with ASD is that it is invisible. Physical disabilities are usually more obvious, and people are mostly willing to help. Your manager sounds helpful, but the fact remains that we will always be 'on the outside' for reasons which those on the inside will not usually be able to understand.

GiantStep, I know how you feel. The good thing is: when you know better, you do better, and now you know better. Don't be too hard on yourself. You have goodwill towards people, you can build on that with your new knowledge. And there is a lot of support here from people who really will understand and get where you are coming from.

Oh, That never occurred to me. Since I am a girl it seemed like it would be fine and I have done that before and had no issue at all. And I can be naive about stuff too. I just kind of respond with my heart sometimes! I guess coming from a guy it might be seen differently. That makes sense to me now.

Kraftie, thank you. That is really nice of you to say about me.

How is everything, Skibum? It's a beautiful, crisp day here in New York.

Funny thing is Im an actor. I have an agent and I book gigs here and there. Based on my acting skill. When Im not acting I put myself in a mode where I feel I am being real. That mode puts me into a frown. If that makes sense. When acting I am very conscious of how I look, it does take a lot of work to get into an emotion for a character. A LOT of internal work. I'm the sort of actor that either gets in in the first take or not at all as a result. Joaquin Phoenix is this way. I sometimes wonder if he has Aspergers. I would say he does. PT Anderson said he knows it happens on the first take with Joaquin or not at all, so he works with him on that.

So as an actor, I will say I have an EXTRMELY difficult time with sense memory. I guess thats where I struggle the most. Digging up a past emotion is near impossible, but it is there. Its like finding it through a fogged piece of glass. I get a slight feeling of it, which I guess prevents me from overacting so it works in my favor...

"I look around my office and notice that people really do not like me"

GiantStep - most of my life is an act - I watch what people do, and I try to learn from them.

That is really funny!
I have read Stanislavskij, participated courses a couple of years and have been completely absorbed by it. Some Chechov courses too a couple of years ago. I would have liked Bhuto dance too. As I have the artistic experience from classical music and body awareness from Alexander Technique and other things,I actually have something to go on.
I made myself a warm up program of all these ingredients, that completely tuned me for acting in a matter of 20 minutes.
Wow, I liked it, but it is too late for me. There are no roles for women my age, not even in amateur theatres.
Anyway, I am too much of a control freak. As long as things go as expected, I´m allright and very much approved, - but they seldom do, and then I´m in a spot, - and impro? ----no go.

Frown.... you mean angry/dissatisfied look? That scares people.
Don´t feel discouraged. You just discovered the background for your difficulties, and already you made a change by telling it to the boss!
It will take some time to digest and begin to imagine how to change things, but you´ll find your balance along the road. It is a process.

Until you have your official diagnosis, I would try to stay away from telling people, "I have Asperger's" on the off-chance you don't and you wind up with a lot of awkward explaining to do later. You can just as easily say, "I strongly suspect I have Asperger's, and it sometimes makes me [insert behaviour you're trying to explain here]." I told people I had it before I was diagnosed, and in the weeks before my diagnosis, really wished I hadn't, in case my test results came back negative; if I had been wrong, I would have looked really stupid, or worse, like a liar.