Has anyone else 'perseverated' like this?

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I'm not diagnosed with anything at all. For the past 6-7 months however I've been unable to block the possibility of me having some kind of autism out of my head for any longer than 1-2 hours. I have no idea why this occurs, and it will be debilitating if it goes on, as it screws with my identity and prevents progression. I don't research autism obsessively like I used to, though it is that drive that sends me to these forums. WrongPlanet is the website I'm most excited to visit every day, far more than any other, and for no good reason.

There are certain situations that will immediately cause me to perseverate on autism. For example, if I realize that I'm making random repetitive movements, I will think of stimming, even if I believe it is not stimming, which will then cause a chain of thoughts along the lines of 'You know this isn't stimming, as you don't experience sensory issues' and 'Why does this keep happening?' It is as if I have instant, pervasive and incorrect self awareness that is turned on 24/7.

Another example is when I talk to people, even my mum. No matter who I talk to, I will suddenly start thinking of how I could possibly have and not have a form of autism, and that persists for a long time.

Every day at university this happens. There has not been one day where autism has not being on my mind almost constantly.

I don't think this is an 'autistic obsession', but rather some kind of compulsion. I don't have OCD (as far as I'm aware) and no attention issues (I don't want autism for attention, for obvious reasons).

I just don't get it, and it's really frustrating. Anyone else have this?

I feel the same way as you do, and have for a while. I have, however, been diagnosed, so maybe I'm in denial

"Another example is when I talk to people, even my mum. No matter who I talk to, I will suddenly start thinking of how I could possibly have and not have a form of autism, and that persists for a long time"

Norny - have you said these things to your Mum?

It seems like a lot of people on WP are or have been obsessed with autism and themselves possibly having autism like you are.

Yep, and I'm one of those people. Actually autism is my main special interest

Mine too. Since my diagnosis I no longer have to think about it 24/7, but for a while there, especially in the early stages of my exploration, it was literally all I thought about, and I had days when I really wanted to stop thinking about it but I couldn't. Had one of those days twelve days ago as a matter of fact. As you get more used to the idea, you'll stop thinking about it as much, and it'll take up less of your time.

It's funny. I've had the complete opposite experience so far. During the early days of exploration for me, I didn't think about it 24/7. True, I would go through times when I would think about it a whole lot, it was never a consistent 24/7 thing. This changed about 2 years ago when my new doctor brought up the possibility that I have Aspergers. It was then that I began to think about it whenever my mind isn't engaged in doing something else, esp. one of my other special interests such as American Sign Language, different cultures, service dogs, my Catholic faith, and puzzles. I've also never not wanted to think about it. I think it helps that I don't really have any negative feelings about having autism as well as just autism in general. I am also very introspective and curious in general and I simply love learning about how my mind and brain functions. Also, the more I get used to having autism, the more I've seemed to really think about it!

Indeed, but I have no idea what causes it. I think the likelihood that I have a form of autism is low, though some other part of me doesn't drop it, and that part seems to mostly be subconscious. I haven't made any 'investments' into the idea that I could potentially be autistic other than making this forum account, which I could abandon at any time.

It's quite disturbing.

OP, in your particular case it does sound like a somewhat but not that exotic form of obsessive compulsion.

This would be different than what I have called the autistic amplification affect in that when a person (who probably is autistic) thinks/feels he is autistic this amplifies the experiencing of that, and also it is different from a person who actually is or may be autistic being preoccupied researching into that.The aim of obsessive compulsion, as I understand it, anyway, is by repeating certain behavior to protect oneself from feeling certain feelings, such as probably mainly anxiety, and it does work in some way which is why people play into reinforcing that kind of pattern in themselves. In your case it may be a passing thing, but it could become more pronounced or take a different form if you allow that pattern to become progressively reinforced. Imo that you are questioning into it is a good thing. Just keep observing your own responses in specific contexts, and maybe you will have an insight into your own patterns. Insight will change the brain as it is direct perception that can burn away the fog.

Yes, the first time I began exposing myself to people with ASD, it really stuck with me and I kept seeing myself through the ASD filter. That was back when I was 19 - 20 years old. I don't do this to an extreme extent anymore. I become aware of my ASD occasionally, especially in awkward situations, but I don't really feel like thinking about it anymore. In fact, I try to stop thinking about it as much as possible, and not going on this forum as much is part of the effort. I don't know why I go back. I guess I need to reinforce this identity sometimes.

I keep thinking I can, and should, forget about my ASD because I live a life that is pretty typical (i.e. I work, have other commitments, have a social life, live away from my parents, etc.). However, when I forget, things start going awry. I think being mindful of it and disclosing appropriately helps me function in the society better.

Mathe girl wrote:

Yes, thinking and talking about it can create what I have called the autistic amplification affect, and my sense is some people participating on this forum, actually quite a few, though well meaning, are actually encouraging that, though not intentionally, and this can be very counter-productive and even harmful, especially for certain young people.

However, and this is why I am responding to your message, there are different ways to use this forum, such as to understand oneself and also ones own autism better. This is how I have tried to use it, and it has been very helpful and generative, even extraordinary.

I've been doing this for the past two years. The first few weeks after learning I may be aspie, I barely got any sleep because I spent all of my time reading about autism and the experiences of other people on the spectrum. There hasn't been a single day since then in which I haven't spent at least a couple hours here on WP or reading about autism in general.

Nope.



I've read a lot about what you call 'autistic amplification affect'.

I'm not sure if what I'm typing here is relevant, but when I said in my original post, for example, that I think of stimming when I make random repetitive movements, I wasn't thinking of autism prior to that moment. If I start flicking my fingers/toes, shaking my leg or swaying/rocking a little, I immediately think of stimming and then it persists in my mind. I don't try to stim, it sort of just happens, and it isn't to nullify any sensory issues or negative emotions such as anxiety.

I have being observing my responses for a long time and that's what caused me to think 'hey, I could possibly have an ASD'. I have (and especially have had) many traits that are characteristic of an Aspie, though none of them have been really disabling. I have had no major sensory issues, something considered paramount by most people on this board when diagnosing. It is probable that I have some weird case of NT, OCD, ADHD and other co-morbids, though for whatever reason I have never truly being able to write the possibility of ASD off.

***Hi Normy, I just read your original message again, and it definitely sounds like a form of obsessive compulsion to me. The only question I could get out of your original message is if someone else has the same pattern you have, whatever that may be. Imo, yes, a lot of people do, as obsessive compulsion is very common and it can form around various repetitive pattern of thinking. Whether or not there is underlying anxiety which you say there is not is another question, as people often aren't consciously in touch with the subtle dynamics of what they are experiencing.

So what is your real question and interest? To try to understand yourself better? And also, what difference if you have exactly this or exactly that or a mix of a few things? To be all to sort it all out and become more free is something else. I think you are a very intelligent young person trying to understand yourself and the workings of your own mind better. Good for you, And you are also practicing some form of self-observation. That is even better. Just try not to get too hung up on labeling, as imo it will take you off onto a side street. Use it as a tool, but try to keep the observation more impartial.

Stimming is very interesting to understand and study. I have done a lot of enquiry and self-observation around that in the last few months.

Again, my suggestion to you is to try to find your one big question and to start from there. If you break it all up into too many little questions, then you risk losing the gist of your inner quest. This is from a personal developmental angle. If your general interest is in autism and how it works, then maybe more questions would be in order, even a spectrum:-) of questions, but again, try to keep it as simple as possible and relate it all back to personal observation of your own brain function and external manifestation..

For example, let's say I'm right, and it is a form of obsessive compulsion---this does not mean that by observing this in yourself you will not discover something else, but if you are only looking at it from the perspective of it is or is not obsessive compulsion then you may miss seeing the most important thing which if you do see will take you on an incredible adventure into self-discovery.......

I believe the reason this happens is because being labelled ASD has huge psychological benefits. Psychological benefits you may not yet be prepared to admit.

Your brain recognizes these benefits on a subconscious level and creates a fixation. I'm sure you are not a calculating person who thinks "I really want to be labelled autistic, it would make my life so much better". Its your subconscious that's doing it for you.

The ASD label acts as a buffer zone between you and the world. You screw up socially and you can say to yourself "Ah, my ASD" rather than "I'm a failure". This may not sound like much, but your ego is a very powerful thing. Think about how terrible toe curling embarrassment feels, even years later. This is your brain telling you how important it is for your social mistakes to be either not made in the first place, or explained away.

You may deny what I'm saying, and say you don't really care what other people think. But how well do you know what your subconscious really wants? Embarrassment IS awful, and its a pretty much universal human experience.

People on here often talk about "wanting to have autism", like its something to be ashamed of. My view is that is natural, and we can't help it. Genuinely ASD people will "want to have autism" all the more strongly, as they really are very disabled in society...and to their brains, this is terrible.

Edit to clarify: When I talk about wanting to have autism, I guess I really mean "wanting to have the autism label", which is altogether a different concept to "wanting to have autism"

Last edited by foxfield on 08 May 2014, 3:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm really tired as I write this (it's almost 6am) so I'm sorry for any sloppiness.

There is underlying anxiety at certain times, though in my original post I was limiting the stimming examples specifically to times where there was no 'reason' for me to stim. I do have moments of anxiety where I'll start shaking my leg or flicking my fingers or rocking etc but I have control over that (if I know it's coming I just prevent it). I don't think the reasons for my 'stimming' are the same as autistic reasons, in that I don't need to relieve and block out sensory issues. If I have any sensory issues, all they do is fatigue and confuse me, rather than amplify something like sound and cause pain.



I do want to understand myself better. I want to know if what I'm experiencing was common to anyone diagnosed with ASD, as I have no idea why I can't get it off my mind. It's as if I'm in some kind of denial and can't say that I don't potentially have ASD. I'm not fond of labels at all, I only use them to simplify what I want to say.



The way you type reminds me of my old school counselor, which is very comforting for me. I've already asked a tonne on questions both on and off this forum (including an autistic in person). I don't think I have autism, as despite having a great many relevant characteristics they aren't as disabling as they are for nearly everyone on this forum.



I never 'lock-in' a perspective, and that is most likely why I made this post. I'm too tired to write any more but there is a lot I could say. I'm not sure if I have written how I truly feel here. Thanks and sorry.