I can't seem to take a joke, they seem too mean to me.

Post Reply New Topic

One thing about the Autism or Asperger's diagnosis that I really relate to is when they say we have a hard time understanding jokes.

I feel like I get upset by jokes and offended and upset really easily. Because even when people say it's just a joke there's this terrible feeling I'm being overwhelmed by that this person is being awful. And people always tell me that it's just a joke, but I feel awful when I hear it. It feels like it's just a fundamentally bad thing to say, even if it is just a joke.

People often make fun of me and say things that sound so mean, but then tell me that it's just a joke and I need to "grow a thick skin".
And people tell me that I'm hypsersensitive. And when I don't like their jokes, they call me politically correct or tell me that it's my autism.

Like, a lot of people make racist jokes. And while I know they're joking, a lot of the things they say really bother me. It's hard to explain, but it feels like a joke and not a joke at the same time. Like they're trying to send a message there that's very mean. And if I ever tell anyone I don't like it, they tell me it's my autism that I can't find things funny or get jokes, and that I need to work on that. But it's hard, all I can see sometimes it how racist or sexist or homophobic or ableist what they just said was.

I find a lot of them really disgusting. For instance, one of my family members used to play a lot of video games. And sometimes when talking about beating someone in a game, he would say they "got raped". I was so horrified and still am by this. Like, why would you compare beating someone in a video game to raping them? It's so gross and horrible and disturbing, rape is terrible. Why would someone do that? Do I just not have a sense of humor? One time, when he beat someone really good in a video game, he said he "rapestomped" them. I felt like I wanted to throw up. I actually felt myself getting seriously sick to my stomach when I heard him say that.

I hope this isn't a violation of the rules. I'm certainly not trying to, I'm not sure if what I've been offended by is offensive or not. So what I repeat from others might be offensive, or it might be my autism. I'm sorry in advance.

1. Posting offensive language, comments, video, or images.
Unacceptable content includes swearing; racist, sexist, homophobic language; behavior intended to provoke or belittle other members; violent or sexually demeaning content; sexual fetish; and discussion of excretory function. Posting graphic images or videos of people or animals being harmed is prohibited.

I know what the rules are, and I'm trying to follow them.

And I don't understand a lot of expressions, whether they're jokes or not, that most people don't find offensive. They bother me. Like I've noticed a lot of people have called me a "p****" when something upsets me to insult me. To say that I'm weak or not as good as them or something like that. But don't people also use the word to mean female genitalia? It doesn't seem like they're talking about cats like household cats or lions or tigers or things like that. It seems like they're comparing you to women's body parts in order to degrade you and imply that you're weak. That really bothers me. I feel like that's not only mean, but that's mean to women. There's nothing wrong with being sensitive, and there's nothing wrong with women or women's body parts.

I don't know why this isn't supposed to bother me, but it really does. And I'm offended really easily. A lot of things that are really common and accept really seem to disturb me and seem mean and awful. And maybe I'm hypersensitive. But things like this really bother me.

And that's it, I really don't like most humor or understand most jokes. Instead of laughing and feeling happy, it causes me a lot of pain and I cringe and wince and feel bad. And worse yet, I'm afraid to say something is offensive because I'm autistic and I don't want to come off as even more socially awkward and autistic by being offended by something.

Last edited by RainbowFairy on 15 May 2014, 4:45 am, edited 2 times in total.

Actually I think if I heard someone use the word rape like that, it'd make me blink. I understand the context and everything, but that's pretty awkward. You say you have a hard time understanding jokes but I think it's something that everyone can try to work on at least to be sure it is because of the autism. It took me a while but I have improved on that.

At one of my old jobs there were people with some pretty brutal senses of humor. There was a guy who'd yell to everyone who worked with him in the parking lot after work. Things like 'aye -insert name- when you see me in the club twerk something'. Another guy loved to do those insult jokes. I passed him once in the parking lot and he yells 'wtf you lookin at??' and I yelled 'whatever I want, coolio' and he thought it was funny. I complained to a manager about that guy before I understood it was all jokes. My first year at this job he was really hard to work with. But now I think those people helped loosen me up.

I discovered it was something about the world I had to get used to.

But I do think it's a bit mean to call you things like p****. Those sound like people you won't learn anything from.

Racist and sexist jokes are not really humor they are ways of promoting racism and sexism with a little bit of social cover. Sometimes they can be a way of diffusing tension around these difficult topics but you can tell this is going on because the person who uses the nasty "joke" this way then does something to explicitly negate it.

Using the word p**** that way is like using the word fa***t to mean despicable. The basic concept that is reinforced every time someone calls someone else a p**** is that women are essentially inferior to men and it's a truly terrible thing to be like a woman. When people use fa***t or gay as a term of abuse they are agreeing with and reinforcing the proposition that homosexuals are essentially inferior and it's terrible and unacceptable to have that orientation.

It is no coincidence that the people who would use these terms that way also use the word rape to express the idea of scoring a decisive victory or suffering a humiliating defeat. The operating concept is that a key part of male superiority is to physically penetrate others. To penetrate is heroic, in that ideology, and to be penetrated is disgusting and contemptible.

The problem is not that you don't get humor but that you see things too clearly. These jokes are part of our civizations nasty supposedly hidden side. Seeing them for what they are is breaking a social convention that demands that we should either go along with the subtext of male supremacy or be quiet and pretend it is not happening.

People are often disgusting and disappointing, but they are under enormous social pressure to conform so going along with this vile stuff may not always indicate that they deeply believe it or support it.

That's how it seems to me and is exactly how I feel. But when I say that, it seems like people blame my autism, telling me that's why I'm offended and I don't get a joke. It makes me want to not let people know I have autism because they'll blame my social awkwardness or lack of social awareness for not liking or understanding something.

And sometimes when I'm feeling self doubt I start to question myself. I start to wonder what other people have done that's really offensive or mean or what's my autism and not getting social situations. When people tell me it's my social awkwardness and autism that is making me think something is offensive rather than funny, I start to wonder if other people are right and I'm wrong. After all, I'm the one diagnosed with autism, not them.

Anyway, I totally agree with and relate to what you're saying. I'm so glad I'm not the only person who is bothered by these sort of things and think they underlie some nasty things. It's nice to have someone who agrees. Rather than calling me weird and autistic and someone who doesn't understand jokes.

About racist jokes I'd say they are OK if it is well-known that the people in the company, and particularly the person who tells the joke, are not actually racist. Otherwise you are completely right that it's both a joke and not, and that person is probably actually racist. (I say this as a Jew, about whom there are many racist jokes.)

The "rape" thing is not humor but extragerration. People like to extragerrate. And it does not mean that they don't think rape is terrible; it is a choice of word for extragerration exactly because it's terrible.

As for p****, I wouldn't see such complicated ideologies into it's etymology. Women are, on average, weaker than men for biological reasons, and the p**** is a differentiating property of them. Dick is an offensive word too, so it's not about superiority/inferiority of sexes.

So why is it bad to be gay, then?

People don't see what they don't want to see.

Edited to add. While explaining away the use of rape to mean triumphant victory in gaming culture as somehow not part of a pervasive male supremacist ideology, please also explain the way many players in online games will stand over the corpse avatar of a player they just killed and hit the crouch button repeatedly and rhythmically to simulate sexual intercourse with the corpse. What is that about?

Last edited by Adamantium on 15 May 2014, 5:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

It seems like a pretty strange place for hyperbole, though.

When I heard him say that, my immediate though was my mind imagining someone being horribly and violently raped. Which made me sick.
And it made is seem almost like it was a good thing, considering that most people like video games and enjoy winning. So comparing winning or losing at a video game seems very extreme and inappropriate.

Since I've been diagnosed with Autism it may be true that I have trouble with a part of me taking things too literally. I knew it was a hyperbole, but it was a really disturbing one. When I heard it, I immediately thought of rape, and it was really painful. And rape is a pretty widespread and horrible thing. I've had friends who were raped, and sadly I'm not unusual for having known someone who was raped.

For some reason, the words 'rape' and 'stomp' together like that, were especially bad. As it made me unwittingly visualize a particularly violent rape as soon as I heard it. Which is why I became particularly sick. I don't know why the term stomp made me visualize it more, but it was really bad.

Humor is a very complex construct. It can serve so many functions.

No wonder in science fiction works human humor is depicted as something aliens don't comprehend very well.

RainbowFairy, in many social circles that kind of talk is not acceptable to anyone. In general, the more well-educated women are part of the group, the less jokes involving rape or demeaning talk about women will be acceptable. The more well-educated people period are part of a group, the less you'll hear jokes involving being gay, mentally disabled, or any minority. Do exceptions exist, yeah - there are some professions that place a premium on being an as*hole, so if you're a lawyer or a finance guy, you'll still hear plenty of these things. They're intended to be abusive and aggressive.

When you complain about it, you're complaining about the liberty from respecting other people, this small violence, they've entitled themselves to, and yep, they'll be upset. It's worth speaking up anyway.

That rape thing is horrifying.

I think jokes and humour are only good if they don't put down or make fun of anyone except possibly the joke teller themselves.

To me jokes or humour that are mean are kind of like a comic using swear words "for effect". In reality they're not funny at all.

Violence is not funny. At all. Period.

Last edited by eggheadjr on 15 May 2014, 6:56 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I think the OP has identified three different but overlapping issues -

1. There are still people who see nothing wrong with perpetuating the outdated and offensive idea of treating particular groups as being not worthy of respect simply because of the characteristics they were born with (skin colour, intellect, gender etc etc).
2. There are lots of very funny jokes! Some of them are funnier than others, but most of them are understandable even by Aspies.
3. Unfortunately, Aspies can be slow to recognise that they have been the target of a harmless bit of banter.

For most NTs, workplace banter is part of what makes working life tolerable. For many Aspies, it is part of what makes working life unbearable. In my own working days, my biggest (social) problem was that I was unable to join in with workplace banter.

Note that we are off the original topic here, and into an ideological debate that goes on and on among NTs too.

I rationally don't have any problem with gay people, but I'm repulsed by them. It's not something I can change, and I think many people are like this. It probably has evolutionary reasons: in nature the close proximity of another male usually means competition. (You can say that the reason is in society, but I think society's opposition to gays is due to the biological reason in the first place. Compare that lesbians are not disparaged as much, and that females do not mean a direct physical competition to each other as much as males.) Since rationally I don't have any problem with gays, I won't use the word as negative, but most people don't think rationally.

(Note that I don't play violent games, so this is speculation.) Rape is typically physically bad for the victim and good for the perpetrator, the same way as killing an enemy. (That's in a basic sense; normal people don't want to commit rape because they don't want to hurt the other.) But it's in-game, just like shooting down the other - it does not mean you actually want to rape or shoot down someone. And the in-game goal is to hurt the other - so hurting them in-game translates simply to reaching a goal, which is a success. And as to why always the male that commits rape: other than obvious anatomical reasons, again, in the evolution it's a male's goal to impregnate as many females as possible; things are not symmetrical.

Also note that when manual work prevailed, until 60-100 years ago, man's bigger physical strength was a significant advantage - and the language remains with us - the same way as entering a phone number to call is still called dialing. I'm pretty sure most people nowadays don't consider women to be inferior, so I don't see a reason to force people to change the language.

This might be semantics, but I think they're "teabagging" rather than raping. Hypothetically, their avatar is wiping his scrotum over his foe's face. The aim is to infuriate the player who watches a replay of his death.

In practice, I'm not sure there is much difference, except that it isn't "male supremacist" - it's using sex as violence though, which is still disgusting.

It's always so delightful when evolution is dragged in as justification for bigotry. You know, it must be okay to be prejudiced against [massive group of people] and have deeply screwed up ideas about them -- it's science!

I quite clearly said that I don't support the idea (that is, the conscious thought) that gays are wrong - I talked about evolution in relation to a feeling that cannot be consciously changed. Also, I gave it as a speculative reason, not as a justification; an irrational feeling does not require a justification in the first place as, imho, it does not make one a good or a bad person.