I love my little sister, but is her violence normal?

Post Reply New Topic

My parents say it's because of her Asperger's, but this is getting old. She is 18. She's bigger than me and always has been. She constantly beats the crud out of me for either no reason or very little reason. I know when I deserve a beating, and when I'm a huge jerk to her, I know I have it coming. When I lock my door, she has a melt down and throws her whole weight (210lb) against it, and has even managed to break my door twice. She takes things of mine and then declares them her own, even after I have written my name all over it.
I just want to know if this behavior is common with people with Asperger's or if she is just taking advantage of it because my parents let her.
I don't like not liking her. She's my little sister and I love her, I just wish she would stop beating me up.

Assuming this isn't a troll thread; then no it isn't normal. People with Asperger's are generally on the receiving end of bullying not the perpetrators of it.

I'm not saying I never bully her. It's really hard not to point out her weight when she points out my list of sexual partners (even though I have been in relationships with them before engaging in sexual activity), but sometimes she'll take a verbal disagreement to a WWE smackdown.

I am confused by your post. Are you saying you provoke her into beating you or do you believe you have it coming because that is what you have been brainwashed into believing which is common in abuse victims?

I'm not an abuse victim, but I don't go out of my way to get black eyes. Sometimes in the heat of the moment I will cross her line, and I should know better because I said it to hurt her in the same way her words hurt me.

If it was me I'd get out of there and/or press charges. I suppose you wouldn't want to press charges because you love her and don't want her to suffer in jail and to keep on good terms with your family. I wouldn't put up with someone beating me up. She is an adult and should know better.

You shouldn't be a jerk to her and she shouldn't be taking your stuff and getting violent.

lol at the title.

You both are grown women. No one should be hitting the other. Period.

Lol, I'm also punched or kicked by my sister throughout life, and she's not the one with Aspergers. I'm assuming its normal sibling rivalry, but respect should be learned at that age.

In my case, there is a level of provocation as I have been told by my psychologist. I'm not sure what but could also be a more violent temperament as part of her personality, she blames PMT and a lifetime living with me. As long it isn't serious violence I'll be fine

Heck no. Your sister is abusive, and she's being a bully. If I were you, I'd move out of there. She's 18; you're older, right?

It's unusual for the younger person to be the abusive one, but it can happen. This girl--she's got some serious problems.

Your typical AS meltdown is more of a loss of control... you know, uncontrollable crying, punching the wall, maybe banging their heads or limbs against things, biting themselves or breaking things. It's not directed against other people, because by the time we're that out of control, we've usually forgotten other people exist. If other people get hurt during a meltdown, it's usually because they've gotten in our faces, tried to pin us down, tried to yell at us, or just gotten within arm's reach when we were randomly kicking and punching things. It's not like it's pleasant (for us or for anybody else), but it's also not an attack against other people.

What your sister's doing sounds like your standard run-of-the-mill domestic abuse. I suppose since you're siblings, a more apt term would be bullying. Because she has AS, she's probably blunt and forceful about it, using her physical strength and making demands instead of manipulating and being emotionally abusive--instead of, say, insulting you, she just hits you. Typical AS style--blunt and direct. But that's all that's AS about it, just the style. The actual actions--the decision to hurt you and to try to dominate you--have nothing to do with AS and everything to do with her decision to be really nasty to her sister.

People with AS are no more violent than anyone else, but we're not any less violent, either. This particular person with AS is violent. She's hurting you.

I'm worried that you say you "deserve" this. No, you don't. Nobody deserves abuse. Many of us here are victims of bullying, both by siblings and schoolmates, and we know what it's like--so trust me when I say, you do not deserve it, and you should not have to live with it. Her AS doesn't excuse it.

Unfortunately, it may be hard for you to get anybody to believe you that this is a real problem. I could never get help when I was bullied as a kid; nor when I was abused by my stepfathers. They'll say, "Oh, it's just sisters fighting," and they've got no idea. That's why I say: Move out. Get away from that situation. She is being abusive, you are in a dangerous situation, and you should not have to stay in it.

I've got 4 kids, 17, 19, 20 and 25. They have always fought from time to time, and now the boys will still sometimes get in fights (the boys are 19 and 25) but the girls usually don't, they just yell and slam doors and not let each other use their stuff. If you come from a family where you two have always fought then I can see still fighting at your age, but I don't think thats an AS thing. It sounds like a temper issue.

What happens when you hit her back? Also, can you do something like a headlock on her so she can't reach around and hit you or does she just throw you off? I'm a lot smaller than most guys, except height wise, and I've managed to win plenty of fights with guys by using dirty fighting. I'd suggest you learn something like that and use it on her once or twice the next time she bows up like that. I bet she will learn real fast to stop when it stops working and you hand her ass to her.

its amazing how people can misunderstand this so easily,

ive never beaten my sister to the point where shes black and blue, but i do bite, hit, and kick people because of Tics, and energetic outbursts, i also get frustrated and lash out. i really would rather not hit and bite but i can feel the pulse traveling up my spine and it can be very painful, i also find it Stimulating.

What your sister is doing has nothing to do with AS, believe me.

Not really sure if that is normal...I know me and my sister and even my brother have sort of gone at it before, not anything consistant but I remember once me and my sister got in an argument and then started getting physical I think someone broke us up but yeah we were both really mad I guess. One time my sister hit my brother with a baseball bat and gave him a black eye, she wasn't exactly trying to take it that far and felt bad about it. Then of course I know once I pushed my brother and he fell, wasn't trying to quite do that but of course he was not happy about that....and once he pulled a rug I was standing on out from under me when he was really young. And once I was being a real jerk purposely trying to make him mad and he hit me in the face and felt really bad...I never told our mom because she would have gotten really mad at him and he already felt really bad and I felt bad for being a jerk to him. So As far as I can tell siblings can get into fights....though in your case it sounds like she is trying to bully you, so perhaps finding a way to fight back could help, then at least she might think twice about hitting you. But yeah it doesn't sound like a meltdown thing...as usually if someone else is hurt during that its not intentional sounds like she has every intention of doing so. I mean if you guys both tend to bully each other then on your side the best thing to do would be try to avoid that kind of behavior like don't purposely say something to upset her, though I know that can be hard in arguments and such but certainly avoid it outside of arguments.

It is important to stay safe, avoid things that will trigger abusive behavior--but, let me be clear here: It is not your fault that if you tell her she's fat, she'll beat you up. You should not have to be the perfect sister just to avoid physical injury.

Is it wrong to insult somebody's weight? Yeah. I'm a fat girl myself and I've been hurt that way, and it's not fun. But--here's the important bit--it wouldn't be right for me to beat up my sister if she said I was fat.

I've mentioned I got hit by my stepfathers when I was little, right? I used to think it was my fault because I was "rebellious". I didn't like doing chores, and sometimes I talked back, or sneaked chocolate out of the cupboards, or read under the blankets with a flashlight when I was supposed to be sleeping. I thought that because I did things like those, I was a bad child and my stepfather was hitting me because I deserved it. But I was wrong. Now, talking with my counselor, I've started wondering if perhaps I "talked back" sometimes to deliberately trigger an outburst, so that I would know when it was going to happen instead of having to live in fear waiting for it.

Your situation could be a little like that. You may not be the perfect sister--but make no mistake, she's the one beating you up; she's the one chasing after you when you go to your room; she's the one trying to control you. She's being a bully, and it's wrong, and it needs to stop--but with your parents aware of the situation and totally unwilling to step in, you probably aren't going to solve this problem except by physically leaving home.

You could go to college--or move into the dorms if you're already in college. You could move in with a friend--maybe they need a roomie to help pay the rent. You could get your own apartment, if you can afford it. Just... don't stay there.

I love this quote. I feel it's so true. In my experiences, when I'm approaching a meltdown, I tend to disconnect from the world. I usually detach myself from the situation and go some place where I can be alone and re-coup and find it hard to keep myself out of my daydreams. When people finally push me over the edge, I'll usually run away, bite my knuckles, pull my hair, punch walls and if anyone gets in my face, they tend to get screamed at, no matter who they are. When I finally calm down, I tend to forget a lot of what happened but I feel really bad (there have been times when I've chewed out people I respect and told them things I didn't mean, just because I was finally over the edge and they ignored my cries for solitude). So to answer your question, your sister's violent tendencies aren't the result of her Asperger's per se. What she's doing isn't right (though provoking her isn't either).