I Just Need To Say Something

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An explanation is different than excuse, okay.

How come every time I try to explain something, someone has to think its an excuse? I am trying to explain something to help them understand and we can start to communicate on a wavelength of understanding.

Every time I explain my explaination becomes bombarded by, you're using an excuse, that's an excuse. I'm trying to work with people here. I am trying to communicate to them.

I agree.

If someone refers to an my explanation as an excuse, I'd point out I don't need excusing.

Better though not to try to explain at all. It re-enforces their assumption that that you are somehow accountable to them.

It can be hard to resist the temptation, but after a while you notice you have more credibility if you don't try to defend your actions or position.

But its frustrating. Because I feel the explanation is needed.

I'm tired of looking or seeming to be the badguy.

Whelp, first-of-all, let me just say that I have TOTALLY been in your shoes!! !

Secondly, have you TOLD people that you're "NOT excusing, you're explaining"?

Thirdly, it has been my experience that when we first get our diagnosis / first meet someone, we talk about it too much, and it gets on people's nerves-----I totally did it too. There is, IMO, possibly, all KINDS of psychology behind this----to include: I truly believe some people are, sort-of, jealous that they don't have "something" to explain why THEIR behavior isn't "normal"; also, I think we (ASD people) might----might----talk about it, alot, when we first get diagnosed so that we will come to a better / more expedient acceptance of it. Anyone, IMO, would do the same; it's just that when you're on the "receiving end" of it, it can become grating. When one is on the "transmitting" end, it is cathartic.

Last edited by Campin_Cat on 28 May 2014, 2:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Explanations aren't the same thing as excuses but also, excuses don't have to be a bad thing. There are good excuses and sometimes excuses are necessary but the word has a negative connotation. For example, if someone gets in a car wreck and is knocked unconscious and doesn't show up to work because he was unconscious and taken to the hospital and that person explains that he was in the hospital so he couldn't go to work that day , he's giving an excuse but that's the only reasonable thing for him to do and it's a good excuse.


Excuse
: to forgive someone for making a mistake, doing something wrong, etc.,

: to say that (someone) is not required to do something

: to allow (someone, such as a child) to leaveFrom: link1

Explanation
: the act or process of making something clear or easy to understand : the act or process of telling, showing, or being the reason for or cause of something

: something (such as a statement or fact) that explains something From: link2

Well a couple of things:

-Once again my position is being compromised on a website that I found and partly own with a friend who completely understands my AS. The members not so much.

-They are always getting mad at me, telling me that it's an excuse, blah blah. Actually the only reason why I was promoted was because the friends who do understand my AS thought that I was showing great improvement in controlling and limiting some of my behaviors.

But not everything I can control. I post jokes people don't find funny on impulse. Because in my mind I visualize posting on the forum and the thing in my head makes me excited. I find it funny. They do not. They keep blaming me for things that I don't do. Even try to police my behavior. My friend who owns the site with me, and the one who understands keeps protecting me. But that creates a rift on my site because they think that I am getting special treatment. And a lot of things our head adminstrator disagress with.

Like just yesterday. I was really hyperactive, really excited, and giddy. So I posted a joke that to some was inappropriate. When someone pointed it out, I changed the post content. The original content, was read by three different people so we were impartial

-My friend
-And two Admins

Who disagreed with the member trying to get me in trouble.

I'm just tired of being played as this bad person. I want to explain it in the hopes that they understand and then Help me. Instead of saying things like I broke rules or demote him, etc. Help Me.

Do what my friend did who set me aside and went

"Should change your post, I don't think anyone will agree with it,"

Me, Okay

Instead they have to do what feels like them attacking me. Them shaming me. I feel like I have to defend and explain myself in hopes they'll understand. To no avail.

Yeah. I don't know why people think that. I've had it thrown up in my face, you are just making excuses. And I'm not even sure exactly what they thought I was making an excuse for. When things get to the point that I'm trying to explain myself, it's usually not because my behavior upset someone else, it's because their behavior upset me.

But that's the thing isn't it, people don't want to have to look at themselves, or change what they are doing, they want us to be the ones to understand them and accommodate them.

Wow-----the profundity of those two statements, blew me away!! !! GOOD JOB!! ! I have had this experience too, and should've known to give the same advice.

I'm just really frustrated and stressed out right now. Because I try so hard to be a good person. I just want to be a good person.

Can you give an example?

I actually did in that giant paragraph above.

Well, here's the thing: I'm assuming you and your friend are friends OUTSIDE of work? He's doing exactly what he SHOULD be doing, in backing you up-----BUT, don't expect co-workers to do it. Everybody has their own "stuff", and they leave it at home. You're bringing your "stuff" to work with you----it's like two worlds, colliding----people will be less tolerant.

As for "being played as this bad person"... If I'm understanding you correctly, I experienced this too. After I got my diagnosis, and told everybody, I became the scapegoat, for SO MUCH. It was always: "Well, you know, she isn't 'right' in the mind, so...." The worst was that it came from my own family. I remember my mother silently pointing to her temple, as if to say "mental problems". She KNEW it wasn't "mental"-----I "explained" it all to her! Right now, I've got an uncle who's "a little girl", and he would much rather point the finger at me, so-as-to, IMO, take the focus off of HIM----cuz he's a total friggin' NUT!!




They're never going to understand----they're not TRYING TO. You have an "excuse", in THEIR mind, for your problems-----they're wishing THEY had an excuse for THEIR problems. Like the other poster I quoted said, better to "drop it"----NOT a good thing to do, at work. 'Course I totally get how it's not a good thing for you to be so miserable at work, but.....

Welcome to having a Communication Disorder!
Need I say more? (Lol)
Too bad, most of the time I have nothing to say, but it's not personal.

Often I regret what I did say. Seldom do I regret my silence.

I just don't like my position as the Head Aminstrator being compromised all the time. This project. This design. Was all a product of myself and my friend. We worked together.

I was the one who designed it. I helped find it. I put a lot of time and effort into this project. Its my baby just as much as its my friends baby.

I want...to be able to just relax for once. I want people to....respect I guess.

I'm not sure I fully understand, but are you saying that you're in a position of authority as co-founder and head admin of a site, but your partner(s) and customers ( website users?) are making it hard for you?

I am a co-founder and head of the site. My members/customers are making it hard on me.