krex wrote:
Forget the DX of AS for a second.(I never knew there was such a thing until this past summer),so I never functioned under the premise of a "cure" for who I am.I functioned under the premise that......."people do not like the me I am and I cant change them and cant change many of the things they dont like(unaware of what exactly made me not fit in with them),so I must either stop needing them to like who I am or I can leave this environment that is causing me so much pain."I considering becoming a hermit but didnt think I could totally overcome my need for some form of human interaction.That left leaving the planet all together.When I was younger....leaving meant waiting for the aliens to come get me.Around 15,death seemed like a more practical solution(I thought there was a possibility that death itself would sever my ties with this reality and reunite me with my planet.,I am glad I never knew about that Hale-bop suicide club,I probably would have joined and I dont do well in groups).
NOW....reconsider the AS DX.Here are some options besides suicide.
You cant "cure" AS...it is brain wiring.You can learn skills that will enable you to learn to read others and give non-verbal communication.There are medications you can try, to effect the level of your anxiety or depression, which can effect your ability to function in an alien environment and possibly enhance your ability to use these new skills.A lot of people with AS find this process of "faking NT" draining and frustrating and not worth the effort involved.If it was a "formula"......
A=interacting with NT=cost of 50 units to 1 million units
B=gains of interacting with NT in social situations=gain of 50 units
C=gain of interacting with NT in specific situations=gain of 0 units to 1 million units or more
The question you need to ask yourself is.....in which situations is the gain worth more then the cost?This will be different for each individual regardless of AS or NT....I think the major difference is that NT's seem to have some sort of internal computer that does this collation automatically and unconciously.If you want them to seek to interact with you....you must make your own gain outway the cost in their minds(which they will never tell you because they dont even know they are doing it)
(Long before I was aware of AS), I was re-evaluating my priorities after I decided to stop using alcohol to try and fit in with people.The first cost analysis was that alcohol( to overcome senory issues and be part of a group )was not worth the benifits of being around alcoholics(very little gain in that social group).The next cost analysis was in what parts of myself that had once brought me comfort and happiness,that I had been taught to suprress since childhood,should I readopt.I chose to wear clothes I liked,dumpster dive and hunt for rocks when I felt like it,collect stuffed animals,inspite of how others might view me.I made the dicission,that only the people who could except me as I am were worth the effort it took to be in a social relationship.(There have been a few people who liked this about me and others I eventually abandoned because they wanted to change me).
There are some social interactions that are worth the cost of suppressing "myself".I value my financial independence.I dont want to live at the "mercy" of a government whose own cost analysis states that not being independent makes you less then the full value of a better producer/consumer.The social/psych services is not designed to make you a "better" person but fodder to feed the social service machine(a huge industry that provides many jobs for people who are to low functioning themselves to work in private industry) or a product to shape into a better consumer/producer.
I taught myself the "rules of engagement" in finding and maintaining employment.I researched jobs that would require less social interaction with "normals" and allow me to avoid certain sensory/executive function overlaods.Most importantly,I think<I found a "nitch" working over-nights that no one else wants to work and tends to attract other people with more "issues" then I have.That gave me some value beyond the deficits I have.Looking for work and working are huge drains on me.I often feel that I dont have much left over for the cost of social interaction but can recharge my batteries with my "interests" and my overnight schedule has 3 days to 1 week "off" between shifts.I dont know how people manage to work the 5 days in a row thing with only 2 days off.
So break it down to a cost analysis.What do you value and what are the costs?Seek the balance that works best for you.I dont have any "aspie gifts" either and there are others here who arent savants.I just know it never worked for me to use some "formulaic" value sheet designed by and for NTs.(I personally dont think it works for a lot of NT's either but they just never have to find one that does because they can "survive" using the formula...just not be happy.)
You did so many of the things that I did. I realized early on that the NTs don't know why they do what they do. It's like they have some secret code book in their brain and they label it things like "common sense." If it was so common, they could spell it out.
You are exactly right about breaking it down in to logic. If A and B then C. And it is all about how much it's worth it to you to fake being a NT. It is faking it. I can't stand these people who want to teach coping mechanisms as if we will suddenly understand what the heck the NTs are doing. That isn't what happens and I think that causes so much depression. It's much simpler to realize they have no idea why they do what they do...they just do it. It makes it seem less like we're missing something they have figured out. They didn't figure out anything, they just do it. It's hardwired. Every time you ask them to explain it in pure logic terms, they break down because they can't.
So, just make up your mind how much it is worth to you to be friends with them. If it's worth it, learn it and do it. Don't try to figure it out. Just learn it by rote. It will never make any sense anyway. And don't be messed up if they are mean to you, inconsistent or use you. All typical NT stuff that goes on every day under the guise of social niceties.
But, also don't kid yourself that you can't be you and be liked. That is not true. And if your cost analysis says it isn't worth it, stop doing it and be yourself. You don't need to apologize for who you are. Someday, you will stumble onto someone like you and before you know it, twenty seven years later you will still be weird and wonderful best friends. If you join the right groups or get into the right job, you'll find even more people like you and won't feel so lonely.
Krex is absolutely right. Look for a job that doesn't require a lot of social interaction. Krex found something completely different than I did, but amazingly similar to my best friend. These are jobs that drive other people out of their minds, but we love them. Temple Gradin (sp?) says that she puts herself out there first by her profession and her portfolio. Then, people are more willing to ignore the other stuff. That is true with me as well. We couldn't be in more different jobs, but that is true of both of us. So, there are ways to get along.
And don't despair, my husband decided he liked me when I was writing all over napkins and paying no attention to him whatsoever. His clean freak self didn't even freak out when he went to my place and found me sleeping in a bed piled with books, a typewriter (now we are really going back in the day here) and piles of paper that were my stories. He didn't even lose it when he found out that my roommates had been making sure I ate and that I bought new clothes if I went to the laundry mat and someone didn't do my laundry for me. All of that and he was actually good looking and popular! Imagine! He didn't think I was too bizarre at all. He still doesn't. He is a big help in navigating the NT world and do you know what he tells me often? Don't worry about them. They don't know why they do those things either. You aren't missing much.
You will find your rhythm in life. I'm not sure how that happens, but it does. Just learn as much as you need to know to get along and get the things you want out of the normal world. Don't worry about all that other stuff. Sometimes I think the diagnosis hurts us because it seems so hopeless to hear it can't be cured. But, you can find your way so you just hang on and fight back. You do have a right to be here even if you are an alien. We're all aliens too and we made it. Just remember that.
17 Feb 2007, 12:40 pm
