I just realized that I've killed myself

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I haven't literally killed myself, but I've metaphorically killed myself. I used to be outgoing and I had a few friends. I got sick of who I was so I decided to change myself. When I killed/changed myself I didn't get bullied anymore, but I no longer had the courage to talk to anyone. I started to feel dead and a lot of my energy disappeared. I kind of want to live again, but not as that pathetic little girl who I killed. I want to live like a normal person.

Why can't you live like a normal person?

You're graduating high school this year, right?

Things will get better from there.

My high school years were absolutely horrendous.

Post high school college or work is great time to re-make who you are into who you want to be and who you are comfortable with.

I did the same thing. You will go through a rebirth.

I feel better after writing that. I have edited out as I don't mean it. but feel better for writing it all the same.

Nuts DevilKisses, your post title scared the crap out of me!

You sound either burned out or depressed to me... The feeling of being "dead" is common among people who are exhausted or depressed, or both. Or under a lot of stress.

What you did, you did to protect yourself. Keep your head down, and you won't get harassed. That's a legit strategy; even smart. Took a lot of self-control, probably.

I think you should find a place where you can be quiet, but still be with people... doing things together, maybe. Hobbies? Volunteer work? Whatever, just find something that'll let you have quiet company. Sometimes it helps to hang out with people much younger or older than yourself. Find a place that's safe, where people won't harass you, and you can start reaching out again.

It's no wonder you stopped interacting; anybody would, if every time they tried they got abused by the local bullies. Hope you find some people who aren't bullies, and find the courage to take a chance on interacting with them.

Cool thing is now that you have realized that this happened you can decide how you want to be from now on and change again. That is a very good thing. Many people don't realize that they can change and they never do.

I wouldn't relive high school if you paid me a million $.

University was great - and a great opportunity to start over from square one.

Good luck!

I went through a kind of reinvention of myself through high school too. I was going through some stuff and I think I just wanted to lose myself in a bigger crowd. I left behind my tiny little group of close nerdy friends and started to hang out with a much larger group of boneheads just because I knew a couple of them that could get me 'an in' so to speak. Over the years I find myself thinking back to high school and the only good times I had was with my smaller group of friends and it makes me miss them and think about them a lot. These are the things you have to learn from so you don't make the same mistakes later. If you did what you did to not get bullied that's completely understandable. But in a few years you'll realise this was just a rough spot and in future instead of having to change to avoid bullying you might just have to change the people who do the bullying Most importantly, you have time to figure this all out Don't panic, you'll get on top of things eventually