kinda a rant

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Really just need to vent. Also, if anyone can relate to this post, I would love to read the feedback. I get stuck on trying to reply back to feedback ... I think it is part of the aspie thing. But I read a lot of posts on this forum and really get a ton out of ya'll's insights.

I was dx'd last year as a 43 yr old adult female. But I always knew I did not fit in with society. In fact, I did believe most of my life I was a Zeta (a type of "alien") sent to study humans. Sometimes I think I still might be!! !!
But now that I know why my mind works the way it does, I am still frustrated with everything.
I feel like I am trapped in a brain that just doesn't get the way NTs think, socialize, emotionalize, learn, or anything else. They just DO NOT MAKE SENSE!! !! !!

All my life I have struggled to find ways to fit in with others. I want them to like me. But I have just about given up. Lately I just really have been down about the whole "being a part of society" thing. I want to vanish. Go into a cave and live of the land with NO ONE knowing me or where I was. I thought about just being one of the homeless people = even though I have a GREAT job. But homeless people have their own social stuff. So that is not an option.

Sometimes it is so utterly frustrating inside myself that I want it all to just be over. uggggg

I am in therapy, but I can't find the words to describe this internal hell that happens at times when I am out in public. I am very high functioning, so I do a lot by myself like going to the grocery store and such. But I start to just go into my world and will end up walking around talking to myself about whatever catches my attention - such as the stupid people who let expired product stay on the shelves. Or I end up catching myself spending time organizing the shelves when things are all out of place. Or I will get fascinated by the lights and end up standing there looking up and allowing that feeling of goodness to wash over me and remove me from the internal bonfire. Then I notice other people are looking at me. And I can't blame them for doing so.

I do not WANT to do these things and try hard to stop myself or catch myself. But it is like my brain has a mind of its own. And I am so exhausted with the whole thing. So totally exhausted.

I think many people on this site could relate.

Not all that bad, but I've found myself compelled to straighten things and dust surfaces other than my own home.

I understand what your are saying I think, I am 47 male dx'd over a year ago... I feel that I am watching people all the time with fascination trying to understand why they do what they do, I feel sorry for them because they don't seem to notice the small stuff such as wonderful lights or they fail to do the basic things such as stock rotation etc... if you're going to do something do it well I say even if it's only shelf stacking !
I get angry with myself because I insist on rules being followed and sometimes I come across as a jobsworth, I try not to and if I can catch myself before I go off on one everything flows better, it's something I am working on.
I always felt this life was a test for something when I was a teenager, maybe I still do, not thought about it for a long time but its similar to your studying humans thing maybe ?

I can relate the feelings. The internal hell that comes from being surrounded by people but not able to relate deeply with them or really even connect emotionally with them. The frustration of constant misunderstandings, the desire to run away and be a hermit, the idea that you are an alien. I even have an alien tattoo on my arm as well as the Vulcan IDIC. Both tattoos represent my aspie nature.

I can't relate to the need to straighten things up (I'm pretty disorganized and messy) but I have my own compulsions that people just wouldn't understand. Maybe you can find connection and a sense of belonging here on Wrongplanet. It certainly has helped me.