Super sensitive question about a particular fear that I have

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I need help understanding something that I do. This is really hard for me to ask because it hurts me so intensely to talk about this. It scares me a little too. I am so afraid to even post this because it is so intimate, vulnerable, and sensitive for me. I hope that responders will bear this in mind and treat this topic with extra sensitivity.

But in the past 6 months I have had three very close people to me that I loved dearly die and one that I was super close to was just last week. And then on top of that I also found out two days ago that one of my professors who was like a dad to me died two years ago and no one ever told me. I am devastated about this news. I never got to say good bye and never even knew that they had a special memorial service for him at school until I googled his obituary and read about it on Wikipedia. I am so hurt I don't know how to even deal with it.

But what I am trying to understand is something that I do that I don't know if anyone else does. When someone I love dies, I get really scared that one of the people I am really close to is going to disappear literally. This particular person is someone that the little girl part of me is super close to and attached to so I am close to this person in ways that I am not with anyone else. It's the closeness of a very small child. I have also been abandoned by three of my closest friends in the past for no reason that I know of except for one of those who told me that she could not be my friend anymore specifically because of my Autistic traits including the childlike part of me.

But I don't understand why with the person that I am close to now, my brain literally thinks this person will disappear from the face of the earth whenever I have lost someone else that I love recently. And I don't think the person will die but I really literally think the person will just disappear like poof, be gone and I will not be able to find or speak to or see this person again.

I don't feel that way about anyone else, just this one person and I get really scared every time and I get frantic and I have to get in touch with this person and know that the person is still here. Is this a child side Aspie thing maybe? Does anyone else do this or know why I would and why it's only with that one person and no one else? I wonder if it's because the parts of my brain that are stuck in my youngest ages which are around 4 to 12 are the parts that are especially bonded with this person. Everyone else that I am close to I am close to at an age level of more like mid to older teen or young adult. It's just this particular person that my youngest child side in particular has bonded to so that part of me comes out a lot more with this person.

But I was just wondering if anyone else understands this type of fear or this type of separation anxiety.

Last edited by skibum on 29 May 2014, 10:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Not sure if I entirely understand you, but in times of mourning I think it is pretty common to be super-aware of our own mortality and that of our loved ones. It's natural to want to hold your surviving loved ones close when struck by grief.

Sorry for your string of losses, and chin up. Be grateful that you knew these people at all.

Thank you Pobbles. I just put my chin up. It feels good actually, like looking towards heaven. I just said goodnight to my loved ones as I had my chin up. Thanks.

The Squid can understand your fears. We have dealt with three deaths that hit close to home in our lifetime. Each time we deal with this, We end up laying in our bed, awake, wondering if our mother will be next. What will we do when we lose her?

We think this is a natural response. Dealing with the death of a loved one opens up questions we don't normally think about. What we can suggest, is that next time you start feeling that way, turn your thoughts to how lucky you are to know someone who means that much to you. We will all die in the end, and there is no way of knowing how or when. Just spend time with that person. Enjoy his/her company! You may have another 30-50 years with them!

Keep in mind too, that when someone dies, they don't disappear off of the face of the earth. We continue to tell their stories, remember those funny moments, and talk about the cool things they did.

You aren't alone, It's just part of the grieving process, you will just have to work through it. Time heals everything.

We are sorry for your recent losses, and we can assure you, it will get better.

Thank you squid, I hope you like hugs because what you said made me want to give you one. I am glad you understand.

I have no problem to understand your fear. It is very naturaly and you are probaly a very kind and sensitive person that care very much for the one that you love.
If I can give any advice it must just be that you allow yourself to have thise feelings, and allow yourself to feel the lost that you have experience. For the one that still is with us, do something nice for that person, bring joy in to that person life.

I understand. I have the same kind of fear. I'm sorry for your losses skibum *hugs*

Sweet Pea hugs

Thank you Mccoolhill. Thank you so much for saying these things.

One of the things I love to do is to color and the childlike part of me expresses a lot of emotion when I color. I really put my heart into the pictures. And I actually colored a picture for the person that my childlike part is very attached to right before the funeral I attended last week and the person loved it. It really touched them because they could feel how special this was. And I never give my pictures that I color to anyone and the person knew that. In fact the last time I gave someone a picture that I colored I think I might have been 4 years old.

Thank you my dear twin. I'm hugging you back.

You're the best Cockney Rebel. I LOVE Sweet pea hugs. I'm giggling all over. THANK YOU!

The Squid does not accept hugs. We are however into the trade of virtual turnips.

Well then tons of turnips to thank you friend Squid.

I'm terribly sorry for the loss of the people that you were close to. Death is very difficult to deal with; I don't process the emotions very well myself since I don't really know how to express what I'm feeling.

When my great uncle died a couple years ago I was really distressed for weeks, because I was so close to him. I'm not sure I can say I've experienced what you're going through, but instead probably go the opposite direction. His wife, my aunt, is probably my favorite person ever. I love the woman; she was basically my grandmother and looked after me when I was a young child. She's getting very old now and has been in deteriorating health. I think I'm pretty much in denial that she's going to die at some point, so I just don't even allow myself to think that she's going to die.

Take care.

I think I know who you are talking about. The way you described that relationship, I would think he wouldn't just disappear on you like that. Although it's true, people do sometimes abandon us and we don't always understand why, it's still ok to have faith someone who loves you that much.

Anyway, like everyone else said basically, grieving does crazy things to your mind and heart. There's nothing you can really do about it, except train yourself to be cold and heartless which would be NO FUN and besides I don't think that would every work with you no matter how hard you tried.

Death is a very touchy, awkward and sensitive topic for everyone, and the death of someone you love can bring even the strongest minded person to tears. Having experienced so many deaths of those close to you can be very depressing and stressful.

They say you die twice: Once when your body is physically dead, and a second time when your name is mentioned for the last time. Simply by being open and honest about how greatly these people affected you in life, you keep a small part of them alive, and help spread the happiness they sought to bring to others. Yes, it is natural to mourn their death, but when you do so it is also good to celebrate their life.